Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate

[luckyjimm]

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Jimm wrote:

Okay, I understand - but why don't you close your door? If you need air, open a window a little. If you won't close your door, of course you'll be disturbed by anyone moving between 11pm-8am!
I always wake up around 6-7am (even when I start work late!) and need the bathroom. . There's not much I can do about that.
But, yes, I'll make sure not to use the kettle or bang around etc.


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I want to hear what his response was to this.

Although some of his requests are outrageous (no toilet and door open) I agree that it's not passive aggressive... it's pretty straightforward and polite.

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No reply yet! We'll see.

He is 36 years old, no girlfriend though good at getting one night stands, over-educated, underemployed, but charming and sociable most of the time. Fun to go out drinking and partying with. But he's just cranky at home.

The Frenchman is similarly over-educated, under-employed, and last time I lived there spent his time watching / falling asleep in front of the TV, smoking a little dope, and eating take-out. Also girlfriendless.

It's a pretty good flat for me to be in, all-in-all: non-threatening, clever people, not entirely dissimilar to me, though perhaps not as screwed up.

The Italian and I were pretty good friends in the 9 month period between now and the last time I lived there, so it's a shame to see this bickering come up so quickly.

I think he thought what the [censored] was I doing up at 6am anyway, since I don't start work to 2.30pm. And truth be told my reason for being up - wanting to go to an all-night Internet cafe to play with some money that had gone into my bank account in the middle of the night - was a bit bonkers. This also meant I had to wheel the bike across the flat from the balcony where it's stored to the front door.

When I lived there before, I spent all my free time in the nearby poker club, and I would come in at 2-3am every night and there wasn't ever any problem. So I'm not sure why he's bringing it up now.

[luckyjimm]

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In my first year of Uni, I shared a 5-person flat. Because I'd taken a gap year (year out between school and uni), I was put in with 3x 3rd year exchange students from other countries and another fellow 1st year who'd gapped.

Our 5th wheel, as it were, was a Swiss guy who left the very same passive aggressive notes. It was comments like "be quiet" when he'd gone to bed, "shut the door quietly", if one of us put something in the [communal] fridge that wasn't totally cling-filmed (saran wrapped?) he'd wrap it and write in sharpie marker "do it yourself next time", etc. etc.

It was annoying, but it didn't stop me not wrapping my crap in the fridge. When he kind of freaked out about how unfair it was we didn't submit to his demands, I pointed out that I was a domestic first year student, and that kind of meant i was gonna a) stick my food in the fridge without high concerns for covering it, b) stay out all night drinking and come back at 3am, perhaps shutting the door a mite louder than usual, c) have friends round playing old school NES games whilst we smoked weed and that if he didn't like it, as the 3rd year foreign exchange he surely had every right to request a transfer to another flat.

Of course, you don't have that luxury, exchange is off. So, I would suggest the following compromises.

1) Lavatory - agree on a "if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down" rule for any time of day. I'm cool finding piss in the toilet in the morning, but someones turds they can flush themselves, even at the risk of rousing me at 4am.

2) Get a kettle to put in your room, man. Fill it from any old sink, but hey, why not.

3) He shuts his door when he is sleeping. Not only does this a) let you know he's asleep and can vary your noise accordingly, it's b) more sensible for both of you in terms of noise allowances

4) He gets pans of water off all the goddam radiators in the house except in his room unless the other flatmates agree to it. wtf is with this weirdness, if i wanted to live in a steam room I would.

I think if he shuts his door (totally acceptable) and you boiled water in your room, and you had a flat policy on toilet flushing protocol, you'd be pretty tip top.


edit: oh, hey yeah that site reminded me, he freaked out about us not washing up straight away either. Even though I provided nearly 100% of the crockery and utensils for the flat.

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Great post! Thanks. I'm tempted to email it to him, only I think that'd aggravate things further.

[luckyjimm]

Oh, at 10.30am tomorrow I've got a girl coming over. A girl of the does-stuff-for-money type. I've known her a long time and she's entirely trustworthy. But let's hope he has a good night's sleep and please God doesn't take the day off sick.

[Peter Harris]

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Great post! Thanks. I'm tempted to email it to him, only I think that'd aggravate things further.

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Cheers Jim, just been in a similar predicament, though thankfully it was university, not real life.

I wouldn't email him, I'll just wait for a time to chat and say "hey, I'm cool not flushing the loo in the mornings, but maybe if one of us does a crap it's better to flush?" and you can start the negotiations from there.

thank you for the link, I'll enjoy trawling through some of those puppies.

[traz]

inviting a hooker over could lead to awesome things

[luckyjimm]

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Great post! Thanks. I'm tempted to email it to him, only I think that'd aggravate things further.

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Cheers Jim, just been in a similar predicament, though thankfully it was university, not real life.

I wouldn't email him, I'll just wait for a time to chat and say "hey, I'm cool not flushing the loo in the mornings, but maybe if one of us does a crap it's better to flush?" and you can start the negotiations from there.

thank you for the link, I'll enjoy trawling through some of those puppies.

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I only know that link because Dids posted it to his blog. It's a great site.

[luckyjimm]

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inviting a hooker over could lead to awesome things

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She's not really a hooker. Just, well, very liberal. And we both have needs.

[cpitt398]

i stayed in a house with a guy for two months that would email you anything that could be the slightest bit confrontational, even when you were home. It was really annoying when he would be talking to you like everything was cool and then you check your email and see that an hour earlier he sent an email bitching at you an hour prior that you hadn't seen yet

[luckyjimm]

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i stayed in a house with a guy for two months that would email you anything that could be the slightest bit confrontational, even when you were home. It was really annoying when he would be talking to you like everything was cool and then you check your email and see that an hour earlier he sent an email bitching at you an hour prior that you hadn't seen yet

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Yeah, exactly. This is what I object to. Talk to me, don't email, text or write notes for me. I doubt it's so important it can't wait till you next see me.

I am really pissed off they haven't sorted the Internet out - they have a contract with some company, but it's gone down and they haven't got it fixed. But when I got back last night and saw it still wasn't working, and I saw the Frenchman was in his room (the light was on), I didn't bother knocking on his door to ask him about it. Because, well, why make a scene? So part of being a good housemate is not complaining about every little thing that pisses you off, or every way in which your housemates are different.

His text by the way read: "Hi Alex, I've spoken w/M about internet. Could you please try to be as much silent as possible at night? Thank you! C"

Text AND email is much annoying!

[Wires]

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inviting a hooker over could lead to awesome things

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She's not really a hooker.

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What is "not really a hooker"? Kind of seems like a "you are" or "you are not" kind of thing. No real grey area.




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A girl of the does-stuff-for-money type.

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Puts her firmly in the "you are" category, imo.