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  #31  
Old 12-01-2007, 12:44 PM
DontRaiseMeBro DontRaiseMeBro is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

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I have no clue what to say. This is so [censored] up, she found out this morning and I just found out about it a few hours ago. He was 25, her oldest brother. I really don't know what to do or what to say to her. Any advice is appreciated. thanks.

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The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #32  
Old 12-01-2007, 12:58 PM
heater heater is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

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I have no clue what to say. This is so [censored] up, she found out this morning and I just found out about it a few hours ago. He was 25, her oldest brother. I really don't know what to do or what to say to her. Any advice is appreciated. thanks.

[/ QUOTE ]


The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

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OP,

I'm not sure what you should do, but definitely ignore this guy.
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  #33  
Old 12-01-2007, 12:58 PM
Kaj Kaj is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

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Anything along the lines of "That's really [censored] up; is there anything I can do?" is fine.

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Isnt saying "thats really [censored] up" going to make her feel a lot worse? Its pretty obv she knows it sucks, pointing it out seems counterproductive.

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Maybe I overestimate people, but I think adults are capable of expressing "I am so sorry, anything I can do to help" without actually having to have the exact words written on their hand or a cheat sheet.
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  #34  
Old 12-01-2007, 01:00 PM
tsearcher tsearcher is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

Everyone reacts differently to these situations, but there are some little things you can do that are somewhat universal.

Bring over some food. When someone is grieving it's tough to do the little things like shopping, cooking or even bothering to eat. So coming over with some food and dining with her will make a difference.

Keep her active. You don't have to force her to do things she doesn't want to do, but keep up with the suggestions and gentle prodding.

Have her spend some time with little kids that don't know what happened. Tell some jokes, goof around a little now and then. Some laughter can be great therapy.

She'll want to talk about her brother and what happened, listen to what she has to say.
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  #35  
Old 12-01-2007, 01:00 PM
Sholar Sholar is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

Show up. Say "I'm so sorry" and if she wants a hug, hug her. Then don't say much at all, really. Comments like "This is so messed up" will just upset her more, but if she is making them, you can wordlessly agree.

If you knew her brother at all, try to remember some stories about him in case she starts talking about remembrances. Be prepared for your conversation with her to veer suddenly from her crying and saying how she can't believe this is happening, to joking about random stuff from last week, to her breaking down. Just go with it.

If you had a mutual friend, visit the girl with her. Call before you go and ask whether this is a good time to go, and if not, when a good time would be.
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  #36  
Old 12-01-2007, 01:06 PM
oddjob oddjob is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

my advice. yes, do the "i'm sorry, is there anything i can do for you?" thing. it's standard.

but because it's standard she probably realizes most people just say this without really meaning it. and yes you mean it in the sense that you'll go get [censored] up with her, or brign her soup or something, but most people who say this, say it cause it's standard and do the things cause they're expected.

give her time to process the stuff. then ask her if she wants to talk about it. and be sincere. most people can sense when you don't really want to talk about it, and most people dont' really want to talk about it.

i have tons of really really close friends, that i can talk about most anything about. but there are some things i can't because i can sense they don't want to.

no one likes to feel vulnerable.
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  #37  
Old 12-01-2007, 01:47 PM
MLG MLG is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

most of the advice here is good obviously, just a few things to add.

1. Dont say "I know how you feel" (you don't, its obv. but ive seen tons of people say it when they don't know what to say).

2. Suicide, unlike other tragic forms of death still has some stigma attached to it. Be sensitive to how the family is dealing with it. Many families even if it is undeniable will not openly acknowledge that this was how he died. So, be very careful when the subject of his death is broached in how you interact with her.

3. Many people will be there for the family in the immediate aftermath of his death. The hardest part will be the months (and years) ahead when people are going back to their everyday lives (as they should) and they are left with this tragedy. As a good friend those moments are as important as the upcoming weeks.
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  #38  
Old 12-01-2007, 01:48 PM
Fast Food Knight Fast Food Knight is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

I lost a family member to suicide last year.

My emphatic advice to you is to be there. By "be there" I mean, call her. Even if she doesn't call you back, call her. Invite her to do random, unimportant crap. You don't have to talk about it. Just be with her, contact her, whatever you do, DON'T avoid it because it's an uncomfortable situation. I will never forget how absolutely left out in the cold I felt from the reactions of some of my "good" friends. Also, this applies not only for now and this week but next week, and the next. Two months from now she will still be feeling awful and I PROMISE will appreciate efforts you make to spend time with her and check up on her. And let me reiterate - if she doesn't call you back, don't take it personally. And don't stop trying.
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  #39  
Old 12-01-2007, 02:48 PM
tarheeljks tarheeljks is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I have no clue what to say. This is so [censored] up, she found out this morning and I just found out about it a few hours ago. He was 25, her oldest brother. I really don't know what to do or what to say to her. Any advice is appreciated. thanks.

[/ QUOTE ]


The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

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no. unless op is a psychologist he should not be the one asking these questions. trying to open up discussion about why he killed himself when she is still grieving seems like a horrible idea. if she wants to talk to him about it she will

edit: all he needs to do is be available.

the fact that you would suggest that is an indictment of your own arrogance and possibly a lack of empathy
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  #40  
Old 12-01-2007, 03:50 PM
Kimbell175113 Kimbell175113 is offline
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Default Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide

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I think having to listen to a million people tell you "Im so sorry" would be exhausting.

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It is.

OP,
please pay attention to MLG's and FFK's posts, they are very good. Don't avoid the situation; honestly, it won't even matter if you do or say something dumb as long as she can tell your heart's in the right place and you're trying to help. If you really are that good of friends, just do what you've always done/what she would do for you.
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