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  #11  
Old 08-26-2007, 09:26 PM
tuq tuq is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

Good posts in this thread, particularly by knowledgeORbust.

To address the OP, it's tricky. My parents divorced right after I graduated high school, but to be fair they separated all the way back when I was in eighth grade and my mother and I moved into an apartment and left my brother and father behind (only as I am typing this do I realize how strange it was that my brother stayed behind and I left, but at the time he was involved in coke dealing and various other nefarious activities and as it turns out he would leave the state by the end of the year anyway to clean himself up, whereas I was never getting into trouble...oy the train wreck it would have been living with those two without my mother to right the ship).

I suppose it was for my benefit, but they officially weren't divorced until I graduated because prior to that he came by the apartment from time to time (he sold the house around a year after we moved out and resumed his nomadic lifestyle) but for all intents and purposes it wasn't a real marriage.

When they divorced, I was like "it's about goddamn time, you guys are oil and water". It was a relief and had they done it ten years sooner I probably would have been happier.

One thing that I definitely think that would suck for a developing child is divorced parents who don't live in close proximity of each other. In fact, the whole concept of visitation sucks to me, the kid gets yanked out of his environment and has to spend time in a totally different one, which I'm sure there's been lots of studies on but which I would guess stunts his/her social life and puts an awkward pressure on spending time with the visiting parent.

My solution: don't get married, then have kids, then divorce. Instead, post on 2+2. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
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  #12  
Old 08-26-2007, 11:38 PM
MrMon MrMon is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
I think we could have an interesting debate about whether parents or peers are more influential on a child's life. I'm unconvinced that peers are more important.

[/ QUOTE ]

I saw an interesting study on this a few weeks/months ago. It's a tough thing to measure, so they used adopted kids where they could also interview the birth parents. They then compared the adopted kids to kids living with their natural parents and looked for influences on the kids. Surprisingly, the study showed that both groups of kids were equalling influenced by their birth parents and their peer group, even though the adopted kids had no contact with their birth parents. The adoptive parents had very little influence on their adopted kids lives, except for picking their peer group.

Now, I don't know the validity of the study, but it seems to follow other studies that show peer group is equally important to parents, only this seems to reveal that most of the parent effect is due to genetics.
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  #13  
Old 08-26-2007, 11:48 PM
katyseagull katyseagull is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
It sounds like your issue with your dad hinges substantially on abandonment, not divorce. Divorce doesn't have to be abandonment at all. Why do you feel your dad walked away from your sisters, rather than simply got a divorce?



[/ QUOTE ]


I feel my dad walked away because he literally "walked away". He left the home and never moved back in. He left his children with endless days and nights and weeks and years of having no father in the home. He basically re-negotiated his contract with us to where he got 11 months out of the year to run around with women and begin a new life while my mom took the burden of raising us.


**********************************************


Anyway, to answer the OP's question -

Yes, children can benefit from a loveless marriage but as Blarg, Knowledge and Dom point out, the negative effects can outweigh the benefits.

Here's what I see as the benefits to the kids if the parents stick it out though:

- having both parents in the home gives a balance to the kid's life. For me, I would have loved to have had a father in the house. I think all kids deserve to have a father figure in their life. My father would have intervened when my mom got weird and would have provided us a richness to our life that we didn't have without him.

- Financial security is increased. Not having to deal with a stressed out custodial parent who is always worried about monthly bills.

- Not having step parents introduced into the children's lives. This is really tricky and adds so much stress and confusion that it's unreal.

- Having 2 parents around is better than one. They are more effective with discipline and can spell each other when one gets tired or stressed out. The conflicts that I saw with my mom and one of my sisters would have been greatly reduced if my dad had been in the home.

I'm sure I could go on. These are just benefits I thought of off the top of my head.



I've known a couple of friends who have contemplated divorce. In most of these cases I think they are being overly emotional and reactionary. If they would calm down and take some time they would have a change of heart. Women especially seem to think the grass is greener and that they will be better off without the "jerk", when from my perspective they might not be better off at all.
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  #14  
Old 08-26-2007, 11:55 PM
bernie bernie is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
I'm still not sure what I think about the whole thing. I think my dad was a bit of a jerk to do it, to be honest. Even when I disassociate myself, I can't understand how my dad could walk away from my older sisters. There was so much he could have taught us.

[/ QUOTE ]

But he could've still stayed involved in your life w/o having to be married, couldn't he? I'm guessing he walked out and didn't take much time with you guys? I'm sure you've seen it the other way around, where they get divorced yet the father is still in his kids lives. To me, it's not crappy he did the divorce, but crappy he didn't carry on afterwards with you guys.(if that's the case and I'm reading this situation right)

Edit: I saw your response to Blarg. You don't need to respond to this post if you don't want to.

b
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  #15  
Old 08-26-2007, 11:59 PM
bernie bernie is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
Too many parents today are just stubborn and selfish.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think alot of this has to do with people getting married and having kids at too young an age these days. They just aren't ready maturity-wise to be married, much less have kids.

b
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  #16  
Old 08-27-2007, 12:09 AM
bernie bernie is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
In fact, the whole concept of visitation sucks to me, the kid gets yanked out of his environment and has to spend time in a totally different one, which I'm sure there's been lots of studies on but which I would guess stunts his/her social life and puts an awkward pressure on spending time with the visiting parent.

[/ QUOTE ]

Compounded by the fact that some of these kids are used as pawns by one or both parents.

b
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  #17  
Old 08-27-2007, 12:10 AM
tuq tuq is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
I think alot of this has to do with people getting married and having kids at too young an age these days. They just aren't ready maturity-wise to be married, much less have kids.

[/ QUOTE ]
Aren't people on average getting married at historically the oldest age ever? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]
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  #18  
Old 08-27-2007, 12:13 AM
bernie bernie is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I think we could have an interesting debate about whether parents or peers are more influential on a child's life. I'm unconvinced that peers are more important.

[/ QUOTE ]

I saw an interesting study on this a few weeks/months ago. It's a tough thing to measure, so they used adopted kids where they could also interview the birth parents. They then compared the adopted kids to kids living with their natural parents and looked for influences on the kids. Surprisingly, the study showed that both groups of kids were equalling influenced by their birth parents and their peer group, even though the adopted kids had no contact with their birth parents. The adoptive parents had very little influence on their adopted kids lives, except for picking their peer group.

Now, I don't know the validity of the study, but it seems to follow other studies that show peer group is equally important to parents, only this seems to reveal that most of the parent effect is due to genetics.

[/ QUOTE ]

I wonder if this study was done on adopted kids adopted near birth? I think foundation-wise, the parents have great influence over the kids first (about)8 years of their life. I think that has alot more lasting effects than the peers may influence(if adopted that early). I think alot of the peer stuff also comes from some of the relationship with their parents through those early years. Bringing in the rebellion factor. Kids don't tend to rebel against their peers.

b
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  #19  
Old 08-27-2007, 12:16 AM
bernie bernie is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I think alot of this has to do with people getting married and having kids at too young an age these days. They just aren't ready maturity-wise to be married, much less have kids.

[/ QUOTE ]
Aren't people on average getting married at historically the oldest age ever? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

Not sure. But the divorce rate decreases dramatically after the age of around 28. Along with that, in some places(like here in Wa St.) teen pregnancy is rampant.

b
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  #20  
Old 08-27-2007, 12:25 AM
pryor15 pryor15 is offline
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Default Re: Do kids benefit from a loveless marriage?

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I think alot of this has to do with people getting married and having kids at too young an age these days. They just aren't ready maturity-wise to be married, much less have kids.

[/ QUOTE ]
Aren't people on average getting married at historically the oldest age ever? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

i haven't seen any numbers, but i'd imagine that's the case
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