Post a stupid, yet funny, joke

[guids]

[ QUOTE ]
I have two cow chips:

Question: What's the number one use for leather
Answer: To hold cows together.


"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow"
"The interrupting cow, who?"

When the responding person is asking "The interrupting cow, who?", moo right in the middle.

[/ QUOTE ]


Im seriously dying of laughter right now. Explaining the interrupting cow joke, not to mention the good punctuation for some reason has me rolling.

[PantsOnFire]

Bad:

What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.

Better:

What's black and white and red all over and can't turn around in a corridor? A nun with a javelin through her.

[NajdorfDefense]

A guy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for chocolate ice cream. The clerk says "I'm sorry. We're all out of chocolate. Would you like another flavor?" So, the guy says, "Ok. I'll have chocolate." The clerk says, "Look, I told you that we don't have any left. Pick another flavor." So, the guy says, "I want chocolate ice cream, not anything else. Give me some." So, the clerk says "I told you: We done have any more. Try something else." So, the guy says, "But I only want chocolate."
So, the clerk asks, "If you take the 'van' out of 'vanilla', what's left?" "The guy answers "illa." Then, the clerk asks, "If you take the 'straw' out of 'strawberry', what's left?" The guy answers "berry."
Then, the clerk asks "If you take the 'f' out of 'chocolate', what's left?" The guy answers "There is no f'in chocolate!"

The clerk says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

[NajdorfDefense]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I’m from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I!"

"Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[NajdorfDefense]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

[garcia1000]

There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke. Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aardvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobody's surprise (except Juan), he won by a LANDSLIDE!

Juan was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best. And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had won by a LANDSLIDE!

Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again. His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell by 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the province's Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president was the murderer.

So they had an election for President. 'Hey, how about Juan?' Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had won by a LANDSLIDE!

The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbyists want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that! Arrgh!

Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars and the aardvark rushed to the hospital. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.

The firing squad levied their guns at him.

'Ready.......'

'Aim.........'

Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, and instantly killed Juan with a golf gun!

[IlliniLou]

[ QUOTE ]
There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke. Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aardvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobody's surprise (except Juan), he won by a LANDSLIDE!

Juan was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best. And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had won by a LANDSLIDE!

Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again. His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell by 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the province's Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president was the murderer.

So they had an election for President. 'Hey, how about Juan?' Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had won by a LANDSLIDE!

The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbyists want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that! Arrgh!

Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars and the aardvark rushed to the hospital. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.

The firing squad levied their guns at him.

'Ready.......'

'Aim.........'

Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, and instantly killed Juan with a golf gun!

[/ QUOTE ]
what ... the .. hell ..... [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[guids]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke. Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aardvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobody's surprise (except Juan), he won by a LANDSLIDE!

Juan was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best. And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had won by a LANDSLIDE!

Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again. His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell by 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the province's Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president was the murderer.

So they had an election for President. 'Hey, how about Juan?' Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had won by a LANDSLIDE!

The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbyists want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that! Arrgh!

Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars and the aardvark rushed to the hospital. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.

The firing squad levied their guns at him.

'Ready.......'

'Aim.........'

Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, and instantly killed Juan with a golf gun!

[/ QUOTE ]
what ... the .. hell ..... [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]


All I know is that the aardvark MADE A HOLE IN JUAN.

RIMSHOT!

[SpaceAce]

A plane loses in engine in the middle of a flight and the captain comes on the intercom to explain the situation:

"Folks, we've lost an engine, but this aircraft is equipped with four engines and we'll have no problem making it to the airport. However, we will be about fifteen minutes later than expected."

Everyone relaxes and the aircraft continues on, but a few minutes later, there's a loud noise and the passengers can see flames coming from one of the remaining three engines.

"Uh, folks, we've lost another engine. Please remain calm, though, we have two engines in perfect working condition and we'll still make it to our destination. However, we will be arriving about thirty minutes late."

The passengers are getting restless, but what can they do? Just as everyone is settling down, there is another flameout and once again the pilot's voice comes out of the intercom:

"This is your captain speaking. Unfortunately, we have lost a third engine. This aircraft is perfectly capable of flying on one engine, but with only one engine operational, we will be landing at least an hour late."

At this point, a woman in one of the aisle seats loses her temper and bitches out loud: "If we lose one more [censored] engine, we're going to up here all day!"

SpaceAce

[PantsOnFire]

A man is vacationing in Nepal and has rented a car. While driving though the countryside one day, he is admiring a beautiful monastery. All of a sudden a chitzu puuppy runs in front of the car and is killed instantly.

He gets out, picks up the dead carcass and looks around. Assuming it's from the monastery he walks up to the front door and and rings the bell. A monk answers the doors and the man says "I'm very sorry but my karma ran over your dogma".