How about just jokes thread??

[polyviewness]

sorry if there already is one....but if there is not im getting the ball rolling just keep on adding if you know any.........

A man is sitting at a diner counter when another guy takes the stool next to him. He notices that the guy has a long duffel bag and asks what's inside.
"It's my sniper rifle," he says. "I'm a profesional hitman."
"No way!" says the first guy. "Mind if I take a look through the scope? I think I can see my house from here." The hitman nods and hands over his gun.
"This is amazing. I can see right into the window of my house," says the first guy. "There's my wife in the bedroom. And she's naked. Wait... there's my neighbor! Bastard! How much do you charge for a hit?"
"Flat price," says the sniper. "One thousand dollars per a shot."
"Well here's a check for two thousand," says the guy. "I want you to shoot both of them: my wife in the head and my neighbor in the dick. That should teach them."
The sniper takes the rifle, aims, then stands still for a few moments.
"You gonna shoot them or what?"
"Give me a minute," says the hitman. "I think I can save you a grand."

[polyviewness]

Three Brave Mice

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three mice are sitting at a bar late at night in a pretty rough neighborhood trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

The first mouse downs a shot of scotch, turns to the second mouse, and says, "I set off mousetraps with my foot. When the bar comes down, I bench-press 20 reps and then eat the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of bourbon, downs them, turns to the first mouse and replies, "When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee. It barely even gives me a buzz!"

The first and second mice turn to the third mouse. He lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this [censored]. I've got to go home and bang the cat."

[polyviewness]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this
luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertiblethat's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff,
sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye
said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

[polyviewness]

Just Licking

A guy walking down the street see's a woman with spetacular breasts and offers her $100 to let him bite them.

"Are you nuts?" she scoffs.

"What about for a $1000?" he asks.

"Listen you sick pig," she says. "I am not that kind of woman."

"You wouldn't even do it for $10,000?" the man asks hopefully.

"You'll pay me $10,000 to bite my breasts?" she asks. "OK, let's go over to that dark alley."

Once there she takes off her blouse, and the guy begins caressing her breasts, kissing them, and fondling them.

"Hey, are you gonna bite them or what?" she huffs.

"Nah," he shruggs. "Too expensive."

[polyviewness]

A huge Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
> steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

[polyviewness]

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them
alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks; Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them; Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks; Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order; Put them in
planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other; Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping; Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces; Put them in information
technology.

If they are sitting idle; Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick
has been moved; Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day; Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window; Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least, If they are talking to each other and not
a single brick has been moved; Congratulate them and put them in
Senior management.

[Jenno99]

[ QUOTE ]
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this
luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertiblethat's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff,
sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye
said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

[/ QUOTE ]

[polyviewness]

LMFAO omg thats awesome, now that made me laugh!!!

[polyviewness]

Hillary Clinton went to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about
the world. After her talk she offered question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office?
And Third - whatever happened to all those things you
took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. Hillary informed the kiddies that they
wold continue after recess..

When they resumed Hillary said, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put his hand up; Hillary pointed him out and asked him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions:
1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4. Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5. What happened to Kenneth?"

[B840]

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."