Child Raising - Discipline issues

[0netime0nly]

Lol. I'm 20, was hit with the spatula a couple times by my mom, and gripped and shaked by my dad a few times. Wasn't that great a kid always, talked back to them a decent amount.

Quite frequently I was grounded, and had to stay in my room, could go nowhere else in the house. I did not speak a single word to them, they didn't speak a single word to me either for as long as a week, and quite often two weeks.

I like them okay now, but now that I'm living on my own, I don't really care to see them much, if I didn't see them for a year, probably wouldn't miss them or care at all.

[James Boston]

AZK-

I got the belt pretty regularly as a child, until it stopped hurting. Then, they moved to taking stuff from me (CD player, TV, whatever), because that became more behavior modifying. My mom did slap me in the face once when I was about 15, but I totally deserved it.

I'm fine....great relationship with my folks....have no kids, but no issues with spanking FWIW. I'm 27 BTW.

[olliejen]

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My friends are floored. They cannot believe my parents raised me this way and disagree with it very strongly.

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Clearly none of your friends are immigrants or children of immigrants... [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[ChicagoTroy]

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My friends are floored. They cannot believe my parents raised me this way and disagree with it very strongly.

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Clearly none of your friends are immigrants or children of immigrants... [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

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LOL, I remember seeing a French lady in her 60's slap her daughter who was about 30, in public, over practically nothing. I damn near laughed my ass off.

[Big TR]

30 year old father of a 5 year old.

I was occasionally spanked with the stylish 1970's 3 inch wide white belt and/or wooden spoon. I turned out fine. My brother, not so much. This small sample size evaluation leads me to believe that beatings don't translate to how you become as an adult.

I have smacked my son's hands a couple times when he was doing something dangerous after being told not to do it, like touching the stove. I smacked his mouth once when he talked back. My wife was never hit growing up and has never struck my son. She doesn't like when I do it.

I feel bad when I do it, but don't think I am causing irreparable harm to my son. My wife and I find it is much more effective to take away his favorite game or to send him to the corner for 5 minutes to get the wanted behavior.

[Aces McGee]

I was never spanked, and don't approve of spanking children(then again, I'm 27 with no kids). However, I also don't think it's THAT big a deal.

Slapping young kids in the face, on the other hand, I have a big problem with. Not necessarily due to the risk of physical harm - although I think such risk exists and shouldn't be taken lightly -- but the message of "I can hit someone when they upset me or do something they shouldn't" isn't one I think kids should get.

-McGee

[RunDownHouse]

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the message of "I can hit someone when they upset me or do something they shouldn't" isn't one I think kids should get.

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I dunno, I think the message of, "If I do something I shouldn't, I'm going to get hurt" is a message most people could use more of. I acknowledge the argument that mental pain can be worse than physical, but there's plenty of evidence of all kinds that physical punishment can be deterrent without being debilitating.

[Aces McGee]

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the message of "I can hit someone when they upset me or do something they shouldn't" isn't one I think kids should get.

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I dunno, I think the message of, "If I do something I shouldn't, I'm going to get hurt" is a message most people could use more of. I acknowledge the argument that mental pain can be worse than physical, but there's plenty of evidence of all kinds that physical punishment can be deterrent without being debilitating.

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RDH, I'm not sure you've understood the point I was trying to make.

Let's say you whack a kid for doing something he's not supposed to do. Maybe he learns that he's not supposed to do that. But now he sees his younger sister do the same thing. Can you really blame him if he smacks her?

In my opinion, it is very difficult to use corporal punishment to deter kids from misbehaving without giving them the idea that it's okay to hit others who make them upset.

-McGee

[HDPM]

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the message of "I can hit someone when they upset me or do something they shouldn't" isn't one I think kids should get.

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I dunno, I think the message of, "If I do something I shouldn't, I'm going to get hurt" is a message most people could use more of. I acknowledge the argument that mental pain can be worse than physical, but there's plenty of evidence of all kinds that physical punishment can be deterrent without being debilitating.

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RDH, I'm not sure you've understood the point I was trying to make.

Let's say you whack a kid for doing something he's not supposed to do. Maybe he learns that he's not supposed to do that. But now he sees his younger sister do the same thing. Can you really blame him if he smacks her?

In my opinion, it is very difficult to use corporal punishment to deter kids from misbehaving without giving them the idea that it's okay to hit others who make them upset.

-McGee

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I think kids are smarter than this. I know there are people who don't want to use anything they consider violent, but they still use techniques that if an adult used them would be considered violent. I mean a time out given from one adult to another is called kidnapping or false imprisonment, it is a crime. Forcing somebody to stay in their room is kidnapping if one adult does it to another. The important thing is context. It is OK for one adult to lock another one up if he is a jailer and somebody is lawfully sent to jail. It is not OK to lock somebody up just because. Likewise it is more than OK to use violence to defend yourself and kids. What if somebody tried to forcibly kidnap a kid - would a parent not use violence to resist it? Well, violence is pretty damn good in that situtaion in response to something that horrible.

So, IMO context matters and I agree with Boris. A good parent who smacks a kid justifiably is not creating a sociopath. A bad parent using emotionally abusive but physically non-violent means can screw their kid up. And I think kids can tell the difference and can learn when physical force may be OK. IMO it isn't hypocritical to teach a kid he can't hit people unjustifiably while smacking the kid occasionally. He knows the difference between what you as a parent can and should do and what he can do to/with peers or siblings. The kid can't give his sister a timeout if she upsets him, just as he can't hit her anytime he's upset.

This is also not to say discipline has to be physical. But as Boris said, it does have to be reasonable coming from a parent who loves the kid. If those things are there the particular technique is less important IMO.

[Boris]

I think this issue is blown way out of proportion to its importance. When it comes to discipline I think by far the most important thing is that the punishment fit the crime. Kids know what is fair. Unfair punishment (basically abuse), whether its spankings or groundings or yelling or whatever, I think leads to messed up people.