Wives and Poker

[Daniel Magix]

To the married fellas - what do your wives think of your online poker habits? Here is my summarized online poker history...

A little over a year ago, I played some online SNGs and turned a small profit. I had checks coming in every few weeks, because I'd cash out some whenever I won. I wasn't interested in building a bankroll at that time. Eventually, I had about $100 left and I tilted it off and my adventure was done. during that time though, I would occasionally get really pissed when bad beats occured. So much that I would take it out on my wife by just being in a foul mood afterwards and being irritable.

So I took a year off from online play.

Then, just a few months ago, I felt confident enough and knowledgeable enough to deposit some more cash and try to build a bankroll. My wife wasn't crazy about the idea of me putting more money in, because she remembered how I would get when I would lose. She didn't like it, but she is not the type to tell me NOT to do something. So I deposited the cash, built my BR up some, withdrew my initial deposit, and have been playing on profit and slowly building for a few months now.

With my modest success, I thought my wife would be proud or more supportive than she is. Now the big thing is not the money, because she has nothing to complain about there, but rather the time I spend playing.

I mean, I don't spend a ton of time playing. My bankroll would probably be growing much faster if I had more time to play. But with a toddler, and a full work schedule, my playing time choices are limited.

I get home from work at 6-6:30pm.
I give my little boy a bath and dress him for bed.
At 7:45 I read him a book or two and put him to bed.
My wife and I eat at about 8-8:15pm.
By 9pm, we are done and the kitchen is cleaned up.
Maybe from 9-10:30pm, we will watch TV and talk.

So as you can see, not a lot of time to play. When I do play, it's usually me sitting down at 10:30pm and playing for 2 hours or so (more if I am in an MTT). My wife is in bed and asleep by 11pm.

She complains about going to bed alone. But mind you, I do not play every night - maybe 2-3 nights a week max.

She used to like to hear about my wins, but now it's gotten to the point where I start to describe a hand to her and she rolls her eyes and says all I ever talk about is poker. See, she plays in our weeknight home tourney and she is 2nd in the overall money earnings amongst 8 other guys! So it's not like I am trying to force poker conversations on a person who doesn't understand poker. She just thinks that I take my hobbies/interests too far. She says I have issues because I take notes on opponents when playing online.

So, I'm just curious if there are other guys out there in similiar situations, and how they deal with it or how they make their wife understand our poker ways.

[DeliciousBass]

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So, I'm just curious if there are other guys out there in similiar situations, and how they deal with it or how they make their wife understand our poker ways.

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After we get this dialed in...I'd like to find out how to turn 72o into Rockets.

Short answer: Stop boring her with your poker stories...She doesn't:

1. Give a chit
2. Edited out...she does understand...just repeat one.

As an analogy, imagine that one of your co-workers, a short, bald-headed, Japanese man with one leg tells you daily stories about his exciting origami making during his off time. He tells these stories entirely in Japanese. Fun time huh!? That's what your wife thinks.

Edit: I reread your story and see the part where she is a kickazz poker player. Everything above stands...except maybe the Japanese guy speaks English on occassion.

Re-edit: I don't know where this mean streak came from.

If your wife wants to know how your poker went for the night, let her ask. If you just have something you need to tell someone, post it here. Just avoid the subject entirely when it comes to her unless she initiates the conversation....

[Daniel Magix]

Yeah, it's easy enough to cut out the poker stories. I think I can manage that, and it's not really fun recounting hands to a person who doesn't want to hear about it. I guess the bigger concern is, finding a way to have her be ok with my playing, as opposed to being annoyed every time I plop my butt down for a session. Maybe there is no answer. I know a lot, probably a majority of the posters on 2+2 are pretty young and don't have a wife and kid/s to tend to. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and child more than anything. I guess I just get jealous hearing about these young kids with huge bankrolls. I do not think I am a phenom, but I do feel very confident in my game right now and I know I can build a nice bankroll if I played more. Well, maybe there is no magical answer. Just wanted to know if other married poker players had any thoughts on the matter.

[Mike]

Having been newly married a few times, I think I may have some insight into your situation.

Your wife married you to be there, if she wanted to go to bed alone and have a part time lover she would have stayed single.

The 'average' guy in your situation (non poker player) plays golf, rides a bicycle, etc on Saturday daytime with the guys, and that's about it. The rest of his life is oriented towards his family.

There is hope for you though. There is a chemical reaction that happens slowely in marriage. Give it another five years and she won't care that you want to stay out of bed and play poker online. Ten years from now, she would rather you are playing poker online than hanging out at the bar with the boys and the forty something single (lonely & horny) women who don't care that you are married.

If that doesn't make sense look at it this way? Your little boy will be grown up and gone next week, your wife will have wrinkles and droopy appendages. You will likely be a little droopy yourself.

What I am saying is like many other previous posts, poker will always be there, what you have now, will not. Go find some Harry Chapin songs and give them a listen.

[jb9]

A few random thoughts:

Don't talk to her too much about poker (which can be hard if it is your main hobby). Her reaction is probably a combination of being annoyed by hearing about it and worried that you are becoming a degenerate gambler because it is all you talk about. By talking about it less, it will annoy her less and seem like it is less important to you (thus making you see less obsessed even if you are a degenerate gambler).

Give her a chance to object before getting into big MTTs. Not saying "ask for permission" per se, but let her know what your plans are the same way you would if you were going out with some friends for 5-6 hours to see if it conflicts with any plans she has.

Don't let bad beats/losses cause you to be cranky/annoying with her. Take a few deep breaths before leaving the computer and forget about it. Post in BBV if you really gotta blow off some steam.

If you notice her being annoyed with how much time you are playing, just back off temporarily before she gets upset and makes a big deal out of it. Take a few days or a week off and try to do some things she likes instead.

As for playing late at night, I hear you and have no advice...

I don't know if it is worthwhile to try make her understand poker other than the fact that it is a hobby that you enjoy and that you plan to continue playing. As long as it is not taking money out of the household economy, that will make it better than most other hobbies (e.g., playing video games will have you in front of the computer just as much but will cost $$ rather than earning $$).

[Daniel Magix]

Good advice from everyone, thanks.
I do explain to her that there are a lot worse things I could be doing as hobbies, such as going out drinking with my guy friends. But I don't really drink, ever. And my main hobbies are poker and magic. Magic books, dvds, props, can be expensive, but I perform shows on the weekends occasionally, and it's now a profitable hobby/side business that I actually pay taxes on. Same with poker - I am a winning player so far. So money is not an issue there either. And I have a very good job earning an above average income - I earn enough that she was able to not work at all for quite a while after our baby was born, and the bills still got paid. We own a home and have almost no debt. I guess it's for all of these reasons that I was having trouble understanding how she gets irritated when I play.

But I guess no amount of money can take the place of simply having a husband there to go to bed with each night and talk to. I understand that. Like I said, it's probably just jealousy of these young high-rollers. I know that given the chance, I am good enough and disciplined enough to grow a nice bankroll.

And no worries about the tilting/anger problem. I've now been playing long enough where my skin is becoming much thicker to frustrations of poker.

I did think of one solution recently - I normally wake up around 7:15-7:20am each morning to get ready for work. If I can get myself to actually go to bed at a reasonable time (I am a night person), I can try waking up at 6am and playing for an hour each morning before work. That way, I can still go to bed with her each night, and still get some poker in every day. I thought of that idea last week, but so far, I am still going to bed late and can't get my a$$ up in the morning.

[4_2_it]

My wife has similar feelings. She gets upset when I roll into bed after midnight. However, marriage is all about give and take.

I try to keep my playing to a couple days a week and never let it interfere with our family schedule. For example, I make every 8AM Saturday soccer game without complaint no matter how late I play on Friday night.

There is still occasional friction, but she understands that poker is my hobby and it at least keeps me in the house and out of trouble (or at least as much trouble as a 38 year old can get into).

Not sure how much this helps with your situation, but just realize that you are not alone.

[kimchi]

My gf moved in a few months ago and my table time has basically been slashed in half. I get an hour in before she gets home from work and maybe a few more hands on the weekends if she's away/out and I'm not.

I recently took her to China with my winnings which I'm sure smoothed things a little, although she recently said 'you don't play much these days so you?'

Luckily I can usually play for at least an hour every day at work too [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

If I were single, I'd play A LOT more, but I'd obviously much prefer not to be single than to play more poker.

I think it's all about what's more important.

[Lucky]

she views poker as a sort of 'cheating' on her. While i don't, lots of guys cheat on their wives and get along just fine. How? Because when they're around, their over the top, extravagant with gifts, flowers, compliments.

So, do what the cheaters do; it may feel uncomfortable at first but it'll probably be good for your marriage and def good for your game.

[ErnestGoesToWSOP]

Get a laptop and play in bed next to her. I am married and this works out just fine. I even rub her back sometimes while I am playing. Damn I'm a great guy.