Standard Parent Question

[revots33]

Having grandkids is fun, probably more fun than parenting in some ways, so I don't think it's a shock that your mom would like to have grandkids some day. I think a lot of parents have a kindof Norman Rockwell vision of their old age, with a house filled with their visiting kids and their grandchildren. Especially at the holidays, gathered around the Christmas tree, etc.

That's not to say it's not 100% your decision - but the desire for a parent to become a grandparent seems perfectly natural to me.

[Blarg]

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they also get to know their grandparents before they die.
just thought this needed a mention.

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this is an excellent point. Some grandparents are very cool.

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Ten years or so probably doesn't make a difference in that regard, not with the lifespans we have these days.

[daveT]

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If you are under 30, you shouldn't be having kids.

[/ QUOTE ]lol blanket statements. i know plenty of good parents in their 20s. i know a lot of unimpressive parents in their 30s and 40s.
on average, kids with young parents are healthier. they also get to know their grandparents before they die.
just thought this needed a mention.

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LOL? Thanks.

I am just about to turn 30 in one year, so yeah, I probably have a view-point that you don't have:

During your 20's, you are not emotionally mature. Sorry, but that is true and statistics show that the average person gets married at 24 (f) and 26 (m) and are divorced within 7 years. For the most part, people that have children in their 20s cannot afford to have children, have dreams that are not achieved, and these dreams are unachievable once the kids are in their lives. As much as people don't want to admit it, several people have not had enough life or sexual experience before they are married. Look at the emotional affairs thread and look at some of the attitudes that are displayed there. If 50% of all people cheat on their spouse at one time, what kind of emotional strain is going on at home. Kids think more on an emotional than intellectual level. No matter how much parents try to hide their anger and guilt from each other, a kid knows, and the impact is there. For this, people should not have children too early.

To be honest, no 27 year-old has a grasp of the realities of the world. You may think you know at that age, but you don't. At some point, you will realize that the world is too big for you to attain all of your dreams and for you to understand what things means. A child is only going to hinder that growth. I think that there is a much better chance of creating a happy family after 30 than under 30 for the prior reasons. I don't have the answers to life. I do know that I cannot learn until I recognize how incredibly stupid I am, and right around 30 or so, that wisdom drives home. So no, you shouldn't have kids before you are 30, IMO, because your ability to create the best possible child-hood is hindered dramatically, especially if you have kids at 25 and want to stretch yourself to higher achievement at 29.

Mind that the central thesis of the quote that you LOLed is that we are living longer, aging slower and learning more in a shorter period of time. Paradoxically, this bombardment of intellectual information slows our emotional growth.

[Conspire]

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A couple days ago I was having a conversation with my parents and my mother brought up the issue of having kids. I have never really discussed this and I told her that I dont see myself having kids ever. She gave me this look of disappointment as if I had done something wrong.

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I'm not sure it's dissapointment. Maybe somewhat. Since your mother obviously enjoyed having you, she isn't going to emotionally grasp why you aren't looking forward to having kids of your own.

I think, beyond dissapointment, part of that "look" is hurt. Somewhere inside her is a voice asking "Was his childhood so bad, was my parenting so poor, that it's made him not want children? Is this my fault?" And she fills with sadness, not just because you don't want children, but because it calls into question whether the life she gave you as a child was a good one.

Now, obviously, you know it's got nothing to do with that. But, I can tell you, as a parent, you want so much for your child's life to have been a happy one that your gut instinct is that you've failed when he/she rejects having a child of their own. It's not really logical, but it's there.

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Very nice view, that helped open my eyes into her perspective. Its understandable for my mother to feel that way, but still in the end she will learn to accept whatever choice that I do make between now and the future. I would hope that she really wouldnt be hurt for the rest of her life if I chose not to have kids, im also sure that she understands im only 23 and have plenty of time to get a good grasp on life.

[Conspire]

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I think that there is a much better chance of creating a happy family after 30 than under 30 for the prior reasons. I don't have the answers to life. I do know that I cannot learn until I recognize how incredibly stupid I am, and right around 30 or so, that wisdom drives home.

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That is how im looking at the situation too, people are generally more financially stable in their 30s compared to 20s as well.

[Blarg]

By far.

Who wants to raise their kids in an apartment? People do it all the time, but in this increasingly polarized, hyper-competitive world, it would be nice if the kid had a firmer foundation than folks living paycheck to paycheck.

[entertainme]

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I am just about to turn 30 in one year, so yeah, I probably have a view-point that you don't have:

During your 20's, you are not emotionally mature. Sorry, but that is true and statistics show that the average person gets married at 24 (f) and 26 (m) and are divorced within 7 years. For the most part, people that have children in their 20s cannot afford to have children, have dreams that are not achieved, and these dreams are unachievable once the kids are in their lives. As much as people don't want to admit it, several people have not had enough life or sexual experience before they are married. Look at the emotional affairs thread and look at some of the attitudes that are displayed there. If 50% of all people cheat on their spouse at one time, what kind of emotional strain is going on at home. Kids think more on an emotional than intellectual level. No matter how much parents try to hide their anger and guilt from each other, a kid knows, and the impact is there. For this, people should not have children too early.

To be honest, no 27 year-old has a grasp of the realities of the world. You may think you know at that age, but you don't. At some point, you will realize that the world is too big for you to attain all of your dreams and for you to understand what things means. A child is only going to hinder that growth. I think that there is a much better chance of creating a happy family after 30 than under 30 for the prior reasons. I don't have the answers to life. I do know that I cannot learn until I recognize how incredibly stupid I am, and right around 30 or so, that wisdom drives home. So no, you shouldn't have kids before you are 30, IMO, because your ability to create the best possible child-hood is hindered dramatically, especially if you have kids at 25 and want to stretch yourself to higher achievement at 29.

Mind that the central thesis of the quote that you LOLed is that we are living longer, aging slower and learning more in a shorter period of time. Paradoxically, this bombardment of intellectual information slows our emotional growth.

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I'm sorry, you guys are really losing me with your generalizations. You'd be amazed at how much maturity having a child before thirty brings to the party. FWIW my kids never lived in an apartment either. NTTAWWT.

IMO it's much more people dependent than age dependent. Also, if you haven't have kids, you really have no idea how it changes your life.

[Duke]

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I am just about to turn 30 in one year, so yeah, I probably have a view-point that you don't have:

During your 20's, you are not emotionally mature. Sorry, but that is true and statistics show that the average person gets married at 24 (f) and 26 (m) and are divorced within 7 years. For the most part, people that have children in their 20s cannot afford to have children, have dreams that are not achieved, and these dreams are unachievable once the kids are in their lives. As much as people don't want to admit it, several people have not had enough life or sexual experience before they are married. Look at the emotional affairs thread and look at some of the attitudes that are displayed there. If 50% of all people cheat on their spouse at one time, what kind of emotional strain is going on at home. Kids think more on an emotional than intellectual level. No matter how much parents try to hide their anger and guilt from each other, a kid knows, and the impact is there. For this, people should not have children too early.

To be honest, no 27 year-old has a grasp of the realities of the world. You may think you know at that age, but you don't. At some point, you will realize that the world is too big for you to attain all of your dreams and for you to understand what things means. A child is only going to hinder that growth. I think that there is a much better chance of creating a happy family after 30 than under 30 for the prior reasons. I don't have the answers to life. I do know that I cannot learn until I recognize how incredibly stupid I am, and right around 30 or so, that wisdom drives home. So no, you shouldn't have kids before you are 30, IMO, because your ability to create the best possible child-hood is hindered dramatically, especially if you have kids at 25 and want to stretch yourself to higher achievement at 29.

Mind that the central thesis of the quote that you LOLed is that we are living longer, aging slower and learning more in a shorter period of time. Paradoxically, this bombardment of intellectual information slows our emotional growth.

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I'm sorry, you guys are really losing me with your generalizations. You'd be amazed at how much maturity having a child before thirty brings to the party. FWIW my kids never lived in an apartment either. NTTAWWT.

IMO it's much more people dependent than age dependent. Also, if you haven't have kids, you really have no idea how it changes your life.

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Yeah, you can't accurately judge maturity by an age. I have a sister that is 28 and less ready to have her 8 year old daughter than a lot of 19 year olds would be. Both financially and emotionally.

Maybe if you account for some IQ as well you might be zeroing in on a better indicator, but just because the average 25 year old is a retard does not mean that all are. Then again, most people who aren't retarded at 25 do not have kids then either.

We all know the guy in the poker room with 25 years of "experience" who sucks. He basically played for a year, and then repeated that year 24 more times. He didn't get any better. This is how most people are with everything and everything in their lives. The kid who took it seriously and wasn't a mongoloid could be more advanced than the "experienced" guy after far fewer years.

The same is true for wisdom and life in general.

EDIT: entertainme, you hit it on the head with "it's people dependent." Just because you became more mature with your children does not imply that it will have that effect on others. Try to remember that. Having kids is not the key to understanding parenting and life that you almost imply.

[Conspire]

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IMO it's much more people dependent than age dependent. Also, if you haven't have kids, you really have no idea how it changes your life.


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Very understandable, I just do not want to change my life anytime soon. I know people my age that are married/have kids and it has made them different people. For better or for worse is always a matter of opinion, and I respect that.

[daveT]

True, entertainme. I guess I am glossed over because I live in LA. I think that the area that you live in also has an impact on how much you are qualified to have children. I know that people having children too early costs us way too much money. For example, in California, all prenatal to low-income parents (less than 25k) is paid for by the state. With WIC, etc, the costs of raising a child is hampering to the society.

Let's say I live in Mobile, Al, where the average income is like 20k a year, rent in a house is 400 a month, etc, then raising a child when you are younger is much easier and probably better, due to strong familial ties, easier living standards, and the fact that there would be less competition for a good job. Surely, a low-income person would be able to find a job in a factory earing 10/ hr and do swell for his family.

I posit that my generalizations may be wrong. If you have a child too early here, you are asking for trouble.

I want to believe that the majority of the posters here want "more" from their lives, whatever that may mean. It is much harder, if not impossible to chase and fulfill "more" when this is compounded with the stress of raising children. I understand that this is not a nice statement, that some people believe that children give all you need in life, but I think that parents should be able to think to about the dependents lives before they decide to create them. If they are not able 90% guarantee stability in marriage, income, etc, then I think it would do them better to wait. For some, there is no other goal but to have children, I respect and envy them.