Let's Talk About Family

[Blarg]

So much for equal treatment under the law. I wonder if we're merely hundreds of years away from that.

[katyseagull]

Thanks for telling us that story One Outer. Wow, sounds like you've had one heck of a busy life. First child when you were what, 17? Gawd. Talk about having to grow up fast. Well your story was pretty interesting and I thank you for explaining how you ended up marrying a crazy woman. Man I hope she's finally figured out how that pill works. Sounds like things have calmed down though, and that you are much happier in your new life.

My only piece of advice, always put your kids first. I really worry about kids when their father's aren't in their lives much. Especially if you start a new family, know what I mean?

Anyway, sorry about your mom moving away. That must be tough. Texas is pretty fun. I hope you will be able to visit her often.

[One Outer]

I'm in my kid's lives a lot. I take them every weekend I can; she's only obligated to give them to me every other but I get them more often. The kids definitely come first. My girlfriend and I have been tossing around the idea of taking permanent custody of them in a year or so. I know my ex would give them to me. And I like their educational options in Saint Paul better than where they live now.

[Fishwhenican]

[ QUOTE ]
That's also pretty rough. I don't know if this is true elsewhere, but I was told that in Minnesota BOTH people have to go to jail if the police are going to arrest one of them on a domestic violence call. It was hysterical how I was treated; they took me straight to jail and put me in general population, like I stole car or something. Her? They took her to the hospital and had her checked out, rape kit and everything. Then they took her to jail and gave her a private cell. I couldn't believe it.

On the upshot, my divorce was smooth. We both wanted it over with. I even got everything I wanted without spending a dime on lawyers. We just talked it over ourselves and had her lawyer draw up a settlement. Then again, it's not like we had much to divide up.

[/ QUOTE ]

It's kind of comical what happened after my wife attacked me. When she came into my work and attacked me I was behind a checkout counter and there was a a customer right at the counter looking at stuff in the display case. His eyes got pretty big while this is going on. Also, one of my co-workers is about 5 yards in front of me on the store floor doing something or other watching all this happen. After it's all over, guy at the counter goes "I'll be a witness" and co-worker is too stunned to say anything. I tell the guy at the counter thanks and look at the co-worker and laugh and tell him thanks for jumping in to help save me.

Anyway, Later that night my soon to be Ex-Wifes parents call me and basically beg me to drop any charges. They are pretty good folks and I like them so I tell them I'll see what is going to happen and see what I can do. I call the cops and they explain to me that in Wisconsin when the police are called for a domestic disturbance, someone is going to jail. Doesn't matter if charges are pressed or not. It is completely out of my hands at this point. They certainly were not going to take me to jail because I have two witnesses saying they saw the whole thing and that I did nothing other than defend myself to keep from getting hurt. So, here is the funny part. If it had been me doing the assault I have no doubt that the cops would have tracked me down right away and thrown me in jail. It took a month for my Ex to end up in jail. They knew where she was and where she worked but never went to get her. She eventually "surrendered" to them a month after this happened when she had bail money all lined up and spent Zero time in Jail. Best thing to happen though was that there was an automatic restraining put on her. That and it cost her money in fines for attacking me.

[Fishwhenican]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm in my kid's lives a lot. I take them every weekend I can; she's only obligated to give them to me every other but I get them more often. The kids definitely come first. My girlfriend and I have been tossing around the idea of taking permanent custody of them in a year or so. I know my ex would give them to me. And I like their educational options in Saint Paul better than where they live now.

[/ QUOTE ]

Katy's 100% correct that kids need to come first.

If you really believe your Ex would give up custody, and there is any way possible, get your kids. I tried like hell to get primary custody of my son but there was no way the Ex was going to give up the Child support money and no judge would think of taking kids away from their mom at that point. That is the only thing I regret about my deal, that I couldn't spend more time with my son. I tried but the Ex was a pain in the ass every chance she had and made it pretty darn hard. Thankfully everything turned out OK and he ended up a pretty good kid and we get along really well. Just wish he was closer to me so I could see him more but he has his own life now, is doing well and that is A-OK with me too.

[NhlNut]

Reading these kind of stories, all I can think is that the human race is doomed.
Seriously, we need to find a way to sterilize people until they are 25 or so.

[One Outer]

[ QUOTE ]
Reading these kind of stories, all I can think is that the human race is doomed.
Seriously, we need to find a way to sterilize people until they are 25 or so.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree.

[Blarg]

Having a baby soon after you become an adult is way too similar to getting a checking account, becoming eligible to vote, and other things that don't require much in the way of thinking and are assumed as rights or undertaken without having to really think about it. It would be nice to put some cognition back into life and behave and think as though there's really a place for it when it comes to acting on such crucial matters as deciding whether and when to be a parent. But coming out of the heavy programming of our childhoods and the total lack of experience as adults that we've had a chance to acquire, I guess it's easier to draw on habit and preconception than bring much wisdom and understanding to bear.

[One Outer]

I don't understand the last part. Am I being obtuse?

[Blarg]

I mean that our backgrounds instill us with habits of thought and with simple prejudices. That's a great deal of what we bring into adulthood, and it's not a solid basis from which to make important adult decisions that could affect the rest of our lives. It's hard to apply any wisdom about what adults should do when you've only been one for a few years yourself. It can even be hard to realize that there might be some shortcomings in the ways you see things, or what those might be.

There's a self-satisfied certainty that comes from ignorance which is not helpful. A lot of us think that we should make a baby or do whatever because that's what is expected of us, that is what will make us happy, or that is how people are supposed to live. But a young person may barely have any idea of who he really is yet, so how can he know what's best for him? There's a lot more of wild guessing, naivete, willfullness, or either optimism or pessimism than deep understanding involved in many of our decisions when we're young. So erring on the side of caution seems wisest to me. You can always make a child, but you can't ever unmake one. So you're really much better off being a grounded adult, both capable and willing to think through the consequences for both parent and child, before taking the giant step of having a kid. It seems trivial and self-absorbed to do it merely as a willful or hopeful act, and even worse to do it because you didn't want to take a late-night trip to the drugstore.