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#22
08-03-2007, 05:38 AM
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Re: MARCHRON\'S FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORTS
Part 2 of Trip Report:
FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORT DAY 1 When we last left marchron, he had a shimmying car on the way home from Four Winds, and though he departed $253 richer, this still worried him. So when he awoke Thursday morning, he put every last bit of mechanical know-how to work and discovered that his oil didn't need changing, and neither did his tires, and for some reason he's speaking in the third person . . . Oh. Where were we? Yeah, so anyway, I have no [censored] clue what's wrong with my car, and I don't care. With my history with this car, I'd be more worried if things started going RIGHT with it. But that doesn't mean I'll be taking dumb unecessary risks, so not only am I going to pass on screaming down highways hellbent on not missing a deadline I've already missed, I think I'll take the scenic route on some back country roads. Thanks to Google Maps' new drag-and-drop route-changer feature, I can plan it down to each and every country road, and it actually doesn't cost me that much time because the total distance is shorter even though I can't go as fast. If you've ever used Google Maps or other, similar websites, you'll probably notice a disclaimer somewhere that says that traffic and construction may prevent you from following that exact route. And guess what? It's true. The FIRST off-the-beaten-path road I took: closed due to construction. Turn right for detour. So I make the detour, and suddenly I'm in the middle of some new ritzy subdivision. LOL? Eventually the county forgets to put up another sign, and I come to a T-intersection without knowing which way to turn. Luckily, the two cars in front of me both turn left, so I follow them, and LOL, the road's still closed there, too. So all three of us have to back up the train and turn around, where we go over dirt roads and people's driveways and God-knows-what-all before my internal compass tells me I'm now going east. I wish to go west. [censored] this, where's the highway? Four Winds' official directions advise that, no matter which direction you're coming from, you should take Interstate 94, get off on Exit 1 and come south to the first light. Since I did not follow these instructions, I was the first person to the light coming north, and there were seven million cars at the light from the other direction, with about fifteen million more still waiting to exit the highway behind them. Christ, this is going to suck. The stoplight's been turned off so Potowatomi Tribal Police and Berrien County Sheriffs can direct traffic, and there's 23 million and one cars trying to jam down onto one road. When we all make it to the entrance, they spread us into three lanes, but again we all have to jam down into one, a task further hindered by the fact that the police sent a tour bus into the thinnest of the three lanes and it scraped two emergency vehicles in its attempt to merge. LOL OWNED. (There will be MS Paint of this, I promise.) Some comparisons: Miles between South Bend and the entrance to Four Winds: just over 40 Miles between the entrance to Four Winds and the parking garage: just over 1 Time elapsed between South Bend and the entrance to Four Winds: about 50 minutes Time elapsed between the entrance to Four Winds and the parking garage: I don't know, because after about 20 I decided to park in the RV lot. [censored] this, it's 95º outside and I have a hinky car that's had coolant problems in the past. Which reminds me: Number of overheated cars on the side of the road between between the entrance to Four Winds and the parking garage: 2 One of them wasn't mine. Three cheers for the RV lot. I accosted Four Winds in Part 1 for not having a state-of-the-art waiting list system, and I was wrong to do so; they just weren't using it last night because there was no need. Today, there was, as the place was pretty hoppin'. For those of you curious, these were the games being spread: LHE: 3/6, 5/10, 10/20 NL: 1/2, 2/5, 5/10 Omaha: 4/8 Hi/Lo Kill, and I think someone was trying to start a PLO game. And they had $50 "Tier One" sit-n-go's to a WPT satellite and $100 cash sit-n-go's ready as soon as 10 people signed up, plus the 4 HU tables. To put yourself on the list, you scan your W[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] card on a half-kiosk/half-podium looking doodad, select all the tables you wish to wait on, and it tells you how deep the list is. To check where you are, you look at the large flat-screen over the cashier cage. The poker room manager has a foldover laptop, and when you're up, they check their display to find your seat. A pretty efficient system, just missing one thing: a microphone. Seriously, nobody had any clue when they were up unless they were milling about the big screen, and since that's in a high-traffic area, nobody was milling about there. It can't be that much of an extra burden to put another screen outside the poker room, or use a microphone to broadcast just in the small portion of the back of the casino around the poker room. But heaven forbid we upset the Three-Card Poker players. Now, the tables. In the center of each table there's what appears to be a Microsoft Surface interface, though nobody in the room was geek enough to know for sure. This is the playing area, and it shows everyone's actions, bets in play, and bankrolls behind. It also keeps track of the pot and the rake, and more good news: THE RAKE IS THREE DOLLARS. In front of everyone's seat there's a smaller touch-screen setup. When your name is up on the list, it will reserve the seat for you, so you know where to sit. You scan your card, enter a PIN, select how much you're bringing to the table, and you're off. On your screen you see the nicknames of everyone else at the table, as well as their bankrolls, who's the button and who's still in the hand (though these are also on the main display), and who the action is on. At the back of your display is a little light that kicks in when it's on you. When it's your turn, you look at your cards by touching the area right above them; by cupping your hand into a C-shape you prevent others from seeing, and the corners of the digital cards peel up so you see what you have. On a couple of occasions, I had to blink for a second because it really did look pretty lifelike. No pictures obviously inside the casino, but there's still-pics and promotional video at their website: playpokerpro.com. How do I like it compared to standard B&M? It's . . . different, and that's really all I can say about it. Next time you play live, try to keep track of all the things that happen that waste time: the shuffled deck replacement, deal, the players who don't bet right, the dealer having to drag the bets into the pot, players (or dealers) who misread their hands. The machines eliminate all of that, though there's a slight learning curve for players who are unfamiliar with the technology, of course. It's not a perfect replacement, though; the tables aren't programmed for live straddles or blind-chopping, though there's no reason why upgrades couldn't put those in. However, there's something to be said for the ambience. Don't laugh, but the one person who did more to get me hooked on the whole atmosphere of poker than anyone else was . . . future "The Price Is Right" host Drew Carey. Hey! I said no laughing. Seriously, his short story "The Royal" in his book Dirty Jokes & Beer: Stories Of The Unrefined is really a magnificent description of a poker room (in the story, the Horseshoe in Vegas) and the thrills and excitement that go into playing just one pot. With all the aesthetics you lose out on through electronic poker, I can't see myself playing at Four Winds exclusively, though the lower rake and tournament juice will certainly bring me back (and the short distance doesn't hurt, either). I put myself on the waitlist for 3/6 and got sat with two Mikes. When the table broke up, I did two things: go to the registration desk to change my screenname to "Irish Mike" (someone else named "Mike," though not at my table, followed suit and now he's billed as "Assassin Mike"), and, since I just couldn't stand it anymore, went on a quest to get some real chips. Since there were 23 million people there and ONE cashier cage area (duhhhhh), the line for that was seven miles long. So I found a nearby Pai Gow table, and requested to get change broke, and they told me they couldn't do that. WTF? I'm going to play, you goobers, I just want $10 in white chips when I'm done. I went to the end of the cashier cage line, dejected, where I met a helpful staff member. For the life of me, I cannot remember her name, which is a damn shame, because she was gorgeous, and not just because she recommended doing a check-change at the craps table. Whoever you are, I'm sorry, I'm bad with names. Call me. At craps, I decided to juice my karma by donating a yo for the house and putting $5 on the hard 4 (2+2, LDO). You jerks didn't come through for me, though, and I lost that bet but broke even on the rest. Thanks, Mason Malmuth; if you would have called your company Four Plus Four Publishing I would have made $135. Back with shuffling chips, I got a seat at another 3/6 table. On my left was Hector — not the guy in Part 1 I called "Hector," but someone actually named "Hector." On my right was Hector's wife, Angela, and between them they contaminated my seat. It wasn't either of their faults; Angela was a self-confessed newb and Hector, poor Hector . . . he was a poor swimmer and could never survive the river. Seriously, that guy took some ridiculous river beats and dropped three $60 buy-ins in rapid succession, and I followed him to the rail. To Hector's left was a bad-beat artist who looked like William Hung, and was to poker what William Hung is to singing. To his left was Anthony, who cracked my QQ with 74s. To his left was Rafael, who was all-in twice, hitting runner-runner to win one of them, and then proceeded to run it up to $180 or so. Nice work. And to Rafael's left was Jeremy. Many of you may know that I am an alumnus of the University of Notre Dame, so when someone shows up wearing a Michigan Wolverines jersey, even though we're in the state of Michigan, I tend to not like them. Jeremy was awesome, playing off of me like we were Martin and Lewis. I mentioned drinking, he mentioned my "Irish Mike" screenname, I mentioned that I'm really Polish, and he whipped out his ID. Jeremy is very obviously of Latino descent, but his ID reads "Jeremy Liewjuerozakowski" or something just so awesomely Polish. He's adopted. And he was kicking ass, raising on absolute air and taking down pots left and right. I knew the beats were getting to me when he raised and I iso-3-bet with AJo, not even concerning myself with the two opponents caught in between us. Hector capped and I wound up in it deep. When the smoke cleared, I had $19 left at the table. Total loss -$81, total on the day -$69, total for the trip +$184. I guess my theory was right: electronic poker does make you more loose. A postscript: the buffet was expensive, but outstanding. However, if you're from the Midwest and are used to Japanese/Oriental restaurants that serve only bland, tamped-down wasabi with their sushi to suit the wimpy palates of white people, I'd recommend you tread lightly near the sushi portion of the Four Winds buffet. The wasabi greeted me with a firecracker to the sinuses and then ripped its way down the usual path, reaching its real target zone about halfway through dessert. The sad thing is, it was so good I may have it tomorrow. Just with less wasabi. 
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#23
08-03-2007, 08:39 AM
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Re: MARCHRON\'S FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORTS
[ QUOTE ]
Jeremy is very obviously of Latino descent, but his ID reads "Jeremy Liewjuerozakowski" or something just so awesomely Polish. [/ QUOTE ] What do polish women get on their wedding night that is long and hard? Their husbands last name. Ta-daaa [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]
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#24
08-03-2007, 12:45 PM
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Re: MARCHRON\'S FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORTS
Buzz's Notes:
comparisons: awesome SNG setup: awesome cupping: no comment also: ha i was going to suggest changing SN. nh! Question for anybody: Would you rather sit at a table where you can sit down and get dealt in without posting, or one where you are required to post or wait for BB? iso'ing michigan dude: standard re:[ QUOTE ] Next time you play live, try to keep track of all the things that happen that waste time: the shuffled deck replacement, deal, the players who don't bet right, the dealer having to drag the bets into the pot, players (or dealers) who misread their hands. The machines eliminate all of that, though there's a slight learning curve for players who are unfamiliar with the technology, of course. It's not a perfect replacement, though; the tables aren't programmed for live straddles or blind-chopping, though there's no reason why upgrades couldn't put those in. [/ QUOTE ] I dunno..I like this stuff. It makes the game very animated and fun, although I can see an increased WR playing at these table, i.e. online speed / cheap rake / live players = $$$$$. I like to interact socially though, so I'm curious about how much of this is cut out. LOL at phil laak in the video. overall:[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]
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#25
08-03-2007, 01:12 PM
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Re: MARCHRON\'S FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORTS
Live, I prefer to sit down and get playing w/o posting. The pace is slow enough that I'd rather not have to wait to post my BB or be faced with a somewhat -EV proposition. Well, hmmmm. I suppose if I'm forced to post, everyone else is forced to post, too, if they want to play right away. Would the EV I gain their posting be good enough for the cost of my hands lost waiting to post? That's tough to say, actually.
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#26
08-03-2007, 08:09 PM
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Re: MARCHRON\'S FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORTS
[ QUOTE ]
edit: who's Run? as in Run's house behind the crack/whore houses? [/ QUOTE ] Run's House We had, a whole lot of superstars, on this stage here tonight But I want yall to know one thing-this is....My House And when I say who's house, yall know what time it is. Who's house? Runs house! Ah, once again my friend Not a trend for then They said, rap was crap But never had this band Till the ruler came With a cooler name Make ya dance and prance and drove the fans insane Name is Run my son Number one for fun Not a gun that's done and get done by none The others act in fact ya just wack I kill Why? its fun my son and Run heads the bill Who's house? (Say What?) Run's house! Who's house? (Say What?) Run's house! I'm in the house y'all I'm in the house y'all And this is how DMC turn it out yall I'm in the house y'all I'm in the house y'all And this is what DMC be about y'all Well my name is dmc, the all-time great I bust the most rhymes in New York state Reporters cry, producers die They want to be down with the king! The wanted man from the wanted clan Wanted by every fan from across the land Not a g-a-n-g off the street R-u-n-d-m-c complete! Who's house? (Say What?) Run's house! Who's house? (Say What?) Run's house! Run, Run, Run, Run Get on the mic and (MC) Another time I take for the rhyme I make Make me mad and sad because the fad is fake See I do this thing so come persue this king One minor rhyme is all you can spring Cause I'm the best I'm def, ask the rest they left Thats my name my game and we don't need the rep You get the booze you lose, you suckas close your mouth I set a trap for rap thats crap Its run's house! Who's house? (Say What?) Run's house! Who's house? (Say What?) Run's house! Some underestimate and miscalculate My intent to create what I call the great Till I make a song that I prove em wrong See my song so strong it'll make em come along Come in the door, get on the floor Hard rock hard hitting hip-hop hardcore Causing casualties and catastrophes And tragedies for the sucker emcees Use your strategies to get the best of me You dirty rat MCs, whoever you may be You need to go down south, you need to shut your mouth Its all about no doubt just shout cause we talkin' 'bout.... Who's house? Run's house! Who's house? Run's house!
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#27
08-03-2007, 10:53 PM
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Re: MARCHRON\'S FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORTS
I saw Run-DMC, Beastie Boys, Whodini, timax social club, couple others in madison square garden in 1985 (sophomore year of college), that's right - before some of you were born, and before most had heard of any of those groups. My friends and I were the only white people we could find in the garden, pretty wild. Then the beastie boys took off and white suburban kids started listening to rap. We started early b/c we played hoop and hung with a lot of black kids.
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#28
08-04-2007, 08:57 AM
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Re: MARCHRON\'S FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORTS
Part 3 of trip report:
FOUR WINDS TRIP REPORT DAY 2 It's Geriatric Day at Four Winds. Bring a bottle of Metamucil, get a $5 comp off the buffet. Why was it Geriatric Day? Because, among other reasons, for the first time I was not coming to Four Winds alone; I brought my stepmom's mom, who insists on calling me her grandson even though she's not. (Shut up, I'm not a nit, it's just a sticking point for me. My mom's husband is not my dad, my dad's wife is not my mom, and my dad's mother-in-law is not my grandmother.) You'd really have to know my step-grandmother to get the full impact of what this means to my trip, but here's what really counts about it: she is a slot player, and a serious one at that. Four Winds has 19 e-poker tables but about seven trillion slot machines. She wanted to tag along one of the days of my trip, and since the rest of you jerks have evidently decided not to show up and holla at your boy or shoot me a "sup bro?" or nothing, I might as well bring her. Not only is Linda a slot player, she takes the [censored] seriously. She's got a whole system, you see, a sixth sense about which machines are "hot" and which are "cold." Explaining to her that machines with identical payout programs cannot possibly be different from one another, and that periods of "hot" and "cold" are simply mathematical variance is like trying to teach a dog to sing opera. You might as well just piss in the (four) wind(s). And when she told me her favorite poker game was Stud Hi/Lo, I bought her Ray Zee's High-Low Split Poker For Advanced Players, and she scoffed at it. I don't think she's touched it since the day I bought it for her. After all, mathematical facts are mere primitive cave drawings when compared to the mighty power of her intuition. That said, there's been a disturbing pattern that's beginning to emerge when she's come with me to the different casinos in our area: she wins money and I lose. When we went to Resorts, I went BUSTO at their 5/10 table (this was before I discovered 2+2) and she made out like a bandit. When we went to Trump, she went broke and bummed $20 in cash off me while I finished my last orbit at 3/6. I finished stuck about $100, but she'd turned my $20 into about $250 in those 15 minutes or so. LOL slotaments. Despite her little idiosyncracies, I really don't mind her hanging out with me. I'm 27 years old and I ran out of grandparents four years ago, so it is nice to have a grandmotherly figure around, especially one who likes to go to casinos and who at least understands what I'm talking about when I regale her with stories of bad beats or gouda-movin'. I wish she'd get off my ass about not having a girlfriend, though. Also, she has a handicapped parking hangtag, so when she comes with I get to park 10 feet from the casino door. Ship it. The first thing we have to do when we arrive is enroll her in the W[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] so she can start racking up comp points and become eligible for the three rolling jackpots for club members. With enrollment, Four Winds gives you a $10 credit for slot play, so while I was there I went ahead and got that installed on my W[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] card, the same one I use to log on to the poker table. Hey, I may not like slots, but only fools turn down free mobnies. We get to the floor and she sits at the first frickin' machine she comes to. According to her well-honed rules, machines that sit right next to the entryway pay out more often; casinos rig them that way so entering customers will see them pay off and get eager to sit down at other machines that don't pay as well. Again, you can go right on ahead and tell her that those machines pay out more often because they're sat at more often because they're easy to get to, but she will cackle at your delusions and crazy beliefs in things like, you know, logic. I leave Linda to her slot luckboxery and, despite the fact that she got a map the second she walked in the door, I tell her how to get to the poker room if she needs me. Since the floor is pretty crowded, I point to the ceiling, where there's a blue ring of light that represents . . . oh [censored], I don't know, something symbolic that nobody really gives a damn about but provides the veneer of aesthetics and artistry preventing people from seeing the truth, that it's a house full of seven trillion evil machines that screw old people out of their Social Security checks and pension funds. Anyway, at the four compass points of this big blue ring, there's four other light displays, presumably representing "Four Winds." I point to the ring and tell her to follow it all the way around to the "north" circle, underneath which is the poker room. Pretty simple, right? If not, here's an MS Paint. Linda's slot machine is represented by the red X:  I pop my collar and roll on under the north circle. All right, bitches, Irish Mike has just entered the room; remember, you plebes are forbidden from making eye contact with his greatness. Egotistical? No. I'm beginning to think someone from Four Winds is reading this thread. I bitched about the lack of a state-of-the-art waitlist in Part 1; wham, waitlist shows up in Part 2. I still nitpicked a little about putting the waitlist screen in a bad location, and wham: they put a smaller screen on the registration desk. I scan in to put myself on 3/6, 'cause that's still how I roll, and it's three deep. While I wait I decide to burn off this slot bonus. I find a "Deal Or No Deal" carousel right outside the poker room and sit down. Shut up, it was either those or the Village People-themed machines. I put $10 in to activate my $10 bonus, push a bunch of buttons, having really no idea what I'm doing, and eventually the very small touch screen says I've used up all the bonus. Ship it. The machine spits out a voucher ticket worth $20. Sweet, I don't know what I did, but I broke even on my $10 and tapped $10 worth of house money. Hey, those rolling jackpot screens are everywhere, even above the Pai Gow tables. Now that I'm a full member of the W[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img], can I win those even if I sit down at a table game? No, gotta be a slot player. Grrrrrr. [censored] slots. When the waitlist for 3/6 gets to six players, another table is opened. By the time it's full, it's become Geezerville. It was like a commercial for the Clapper rolled up and tried to step to me, Four Winds' Ironman Badass Of Teh Three/Six Limit Mafia, Stayin Fly-y-y-yy-y-y-y-y-yyy Til I Di-i-i-ii-i-i-i-i-iiie. I'm in Seat 8. Seat 1 is John, who strongly disliked this whole computer thing and seemed to be in a hurry to donk off all his chips so he could go to some other card room, evidently unaware that you could just exit out; you don't have to stay at the table until BUSTO. I kept on calling him "Tom" because he was a dead [censored] ringer for "Captain" Tom Franklin: same beard, same hat, same penis on some whore's back, everything. This caused tremendous confusion because there was a "Thomas" in Seat 6, who was the least worst player of the bunch. Donald was in Seat 2. "Donald" was my grandfather's name, and he did what my gran'pa used to do, cut a switch and beat the [censored] out of people, including me when my AK was no good against his K3 that flopped two pair. But the awesomest guy there was Chester, in seat 4. A poker host was assisting him with how to operate the touch screen and when action was to him and he looked at his cards, I'm guessing, the host noted his age and said, "Now, you can fold . . . or you can call . . ." not even considering that someone who lived through both Roosevelt Administrations would come in raising on his first hand. Nope. "I wanna raise!" he said, and thumbed the Raise button like he was trying to squish a bug. It gets three-bet, he caps. AKx flop, Chester's jamming it like a slice of toast. The turn comes and Jessica, in Seat 9 to my left, bets and Chester finally calls. Tom raises behind him, Jessica three-bets and Chester awesomely call/caps. Tom figures out his hand is no good and ducks out. The river brings a fourth spade, and Jessica is quite noticably pissed. She bets out the last few dollars in her stack, Chester calls and shows 7x 7[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img] for the runner-runner one-card flush to wipe out Jessica's KK. Hell yeah, go Chester! Jessica shoots daggers out of her eyes and goes to the cage to reload her card. In Jessica's place sits some middle-age dude, making him a spring chicken at this table. I assist him with how to place his bets, but after the guy in Seat 10 leaves he moves there so he can see the center console better. Jessica rearrives, and even though Seat 9 is open, she takes Seat 3, to Chester's right, presumably so she could wait until he wasn't looking, break her rum-and-Coke glass on the side of the table and shove the jagged edges in his eye. With both Seat 7 and Seat 9 open, I start wondering if I applied enough Degree Antiperspirant and TAG Lucky Day body spray. I didn't have to worry much longer, because another Donald sat down in Seat 7. He looked like 2003 WSOP ME finalist Tomer Benvenisti, only thinner and dorkier. To differentiate them, I will heretofore refer to Donald #2 as "Donkald," to easily reflect his playing skills. I also have to help him figure out how to play, and this is how he repaid me: his first hand, he limps, I raise AQ, flop QTx, he donks, I raise, he calls. Turn blank, check bet call; river 10, he donks, I lolcall, your T4s is good, nice hand Donnie. Jessica picks up on the fact that, as the Four Winds veteran at the table with three days of logged play, I've become associate table host, helping the fish get acclimated to these waters so I can scale and gut them. She says, "You know, you should work here!" and a floor hostess who was dropping by agrees. I respond that if I work here, I can't play here, and she says "Well, you can still play the slots." Grrrrrr. Just for that, I'm not toking the house on the next pot I win. But I think I'm picking up on a trend here: with no dealer there's a certain air of democracy and cooperation at these tables, like we're all in this together, just tryin' to get by in this crazy mixed-up world where you can play casino Texas Hold'em without a dealer, cards, or chips. And even though I look like a complete toolbag with my sunglasses and ten whites for shuffling, I'm being helpful and my usual chatterbox self, and I think it helped me get paid off a little more. It certainly helped in a sick three-hand rush I hit. First hand, I have 22 in the big blind and flop my first set of the trip. I miss out on a couple river bets, though, because the 2K8 flop turned into a 2K888 board and I didn't have the balls to value-bet four opponents when any other piece of the board had me whaled. Next hand is A3[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] in the SB, where I complete and then lead into the family pot on a flopped four-flush; Tom raises, and was thoughtful enough to stick around when I turned the nuts, check/raised him, then bet the river. Then I get QQ on the button, Chester limps, Tom raises, Donkald cold-calls, I make it three and Tom caps, and similar ridiculous postflop action, but somehow my QQ survived UI. Ship it thrice like cheese and mice. Starting with $100, I hit the mid-$250s at my high-water mark before Jessica coolers me with her AA vs. my KK. After that, I start taking stock of the table. Chester BUSTO'd, reloaded, then BUSTO'd again Donald is bolting for the O8B 4/8 Kill game, and Donkald's beginner's luck has worn off and he's down to the e-felt. Looks like I've squeezed just about all the juice out of this lemon. Wonder where my next challenge will be? Right on cue, 'cause I'm a mother-[censored] P.I.M.P., a host comes around and asks if anyone at the table wants to get into the last two spots in a $50 cash SNG. Yesterday I had been on the waitlist for the $50 Tier One WPT minisatellite SNG, but stopped when I did the math: $450 buy-in to the big satellite as the prize, $50 buy-in times 10 players minus the juice = winner-take-all. No thanks, I'd rather crush the donks in my 3/6 'hood, yo. But later I had a long conversation with the Poker Room Manager about his new place, and, according to him, the decision to go digital was made out of a casino-wide commitment to provide the best value for the players. As if he were trying to sell me a car, he added, "That's why I'll never charge more than 10% rake in a tourney." And he's right: the $100 cash SNG is $90 + $10, where the $100 tourneys at Majestic Star are usually $85 + $15. He was a good salesman, and I gave serious thought to buying in for that if I had a little more of OPM to play with. And here a hostess came around giving me that chance for half the price. Donkald jumped up and said "I'm in, I just have to reload," making nine players. Well, if there was any doubt left about whether I should take the plunge, it's gone now: Count Donkula over there sucks so much I'd take his action if he wanted to play HU4SOULZ. Without trying to sound like I was too enthusiastic about sitting down with Donkald again, I signed up. Bad move. While the manager's policy on tourney rake is certainly commendable, in return for the reduced juice, we got a blind structure that was retardedly awful. Starting stacks were 1,500 and the blinds started at 50/100 — FIFTY and ONE [CENSORED] HUNDRED — and went up every fifteen minutes. If a starting M of 10 doesn't suck enough, in half an hour it's 2.5 if you break even until then. Maybe the $100 cash SNG is better because you're paying more, but I'm certainly not going to find that out the hard way. I played all of four hands. First hand, 65s in the small blind, and even though the implieds probably didn't justify it, I completed into a four-way pot, bet 300 into a Q65 two-tone flop and took it down. Next hand was after I'd paid two orbits of 100/200 blinds, when I shoved A9o over a few limpers and successfully squeezed them out. Next hand was at 200/400, when the guy on my right shoved for 600 UTG, I overpushed with AQ[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img], and his T8[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] flopped seventy-three outs twice with x[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] 9[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] 7x and rivered an 8. Then three hands later I had 65s in the SB and openshoved into the chipleader in the big blind (who got the chip lead when he bluffed with KQ UI and Donkald called off three-quarters of his stack with Q4s for a naked wheelshot — damn you, Donkald, you were supposed to chipdump to me, you douche), who called with whatever and flopped his whatever and Jesus [censored] Christ I'm such a [censored] moron for not following my own [censored] rules. I went outside to calm my nerves, and discovered that happily, the commitment to patron value extended to the bar, too. Basically, unless you order the tippity-top shelf superballa [censored] like Grey Goose, any drink is a buck-fiddy. Barkeep, Absolut and Diet plzkthx. A quick aside, while I was drinking I still had all the chips from craps yesterday since the cashier line was seven miles long, and since they'd gone to all the trouble to tell me about Pai-Gow Poker, I thought I'd play it. If you've never, it's a pretty cool game. You play against the house, getting seven cards. The object is to make a five-card "High" hand and a two-card "Low" hand that both beat the dealer. The coolness comes in the fact that if you only win one of the two, it's a push; the dealer only wins ties if hands are exactly tied, i.e. you both have AQ up front. House edge is a shade over 5% because of the tie factor and all wins pay out 100-95. That's a 5% vig, but since you can cobble together at least a push most of the time, you usually won't go broke in a hurry. I knew all that going in, but what I didn't know was that "Pai Gow" is evidently Chinese for "You're [censored]." If you think it's not real poker, think again: my first hand I got 9875432 for the nut low. Awesome. Later, I had a straight and AK and lost to a flush and a pair. Then I had J-high and 9-high and somehow pulled out a win. Sometimes good hands get beat and crap wins. That sounds like real poker to me. I come back in and find that Donkald has reloaded for more 3/6. Hotness. I'm in, and this time you owe me one. But there was a problem: the ten $1 chips I was keeping for shuffling had somehow become nine. This is not good. Did I leave it at the bar? At the Pai-Gow table? I've already pissed $50 away due to stupidity, I can't have something [censored] up my qi right now. Sure enough, I dropped a couple hands early to fall to the $80 range, when right about then Linda walks in, needing to follow security because despite my instructions and a map, she made two complete orbits of the big blue ring without seeing the poker room. LOL can'tfindherasswithbothhandsaflashlightandabloodho undaments. She asked how I was doing, and then announced she was up over $200. [censored]. She can't win! If she wins, I lose! [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored]! I'm screwed now. Damn, and I was up like $110 before I paid for that stupidass tournament, minus $50 minus the $20 more I'm stuck at this table means I just gotta stop the bleeding before I lose $40 more. No problem. K9[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] OTB, somehow everyone else finds a fold and I openraise on Donkald's BB. He calls, naturally. Flop A[img]/images/graemlins/diamond.gif[/img] K[img]/images/graemlins/diamond.gif[/img] Brick:house:, check bet call. Turn blank and he donks? Probably not an Ace. King-rag two pair leaves me with outs, so I call. River 9[img]/images/graemlins/diamond.gif[/img], he bets. Not like him to bet into the obvious draw getting there. I call, having no idea what he has, and of course the one time he decides to do anything but check/call with a draw, he has QT[img]/images/graemlins/diamond.gif[/img], missed his royal but hit the nuts anyway SOAGDB HY(ACHx5) Right about then, the guy in the tournament who doubled through me with T8s came up to me and said "Is this yours?", holding out a solitary $1 chip. Duhhhh, like there's anyone else in here who's dorky enough to need real chips at a digital table. Gimme that. You're going down, Donkald. *cue "Eye Of The Tiger" . . .* QJ OTB, openraise his BB again, he calls. Flop Q98, check bet call. Turn 9, check bet call. River 9, check bet call YOUR 8 IS NO GOOD SHIP IT. KQ in EP, raise, he coldcalls, we're HU to the flop: AK5. Bet, call. Turn like a 7, bet call. River like a 9, bet, he folds 42s face-up SHIP IT. He is just hoping I could give him some insight into the evolution of the market economy in the early colonies. His contention is that prior to the Revolutionary War the economic modalities especially of the southern colonies could most aptly be characterized as agrarian precapitalist. I say of course that's his contention. He's a first year grad student. He just finished some Marxian historian, Pete Garrison probably, and so naturally that's what he believes until next month when he gets to James Lemon and gets convinced that Virginia and Pennsylvania were strongly entrepreneurial and capitalist back in 1740. That'll last until sometime in his second year, then he'll be in here regurgitating Gordon Wood about the Pre-Revolutionary utopia and the capital-forming effects of military mobilization SHIP IT HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? I was crawling closer and closer to the $100 breakeven mark when suddenly William, an older bald guy with glasses three seats to my right, decided he'd had enough of me running over the table, which had suddenly nitted up except for Donkald, and I was cutting in on all of their action with him. They were getting outdrawn by him, and he was paying it all right to me as cab fare to Valuetown. To keep Donkald from noticing the rising stress level of the table, and to keep the other guys in a good mood, I came up with a really clever backhanded insult by calling Donkald "the MacGyver of Texas Hold'em," because he could make something out of anything. "Yeah, Donny over there, he can make a four-high straight. Give him a ballpoint pen, a sock, a 9-iron, a bowling pin and a roll of duct tape and he can make a flush out of it." Donkald was proud of his new custom title, and the rest of the guys knew what I was really thinking. Anyway, I open QJo, way too early to do so, Donkald finds a preflop fold and William three-bets me from the big blind. Flop TT9, he bets, I freecard, he calls. Turn 8, he donks, I raise, he three-bets, I tank. I've hid my straight pretty well. For all he knows, I have an overpair, maybe JJ with the OESD. But he's tight. Would he really be doing this even with AA? Or trips? It's not like him to overplay a hand. 99? 88? [censored]. I call. River K and now pocket Kings got there. Bet, call ZOMG HE TRIED TO RESTEAL FROM ME WITH 98o HAHAHAHA I HAVE $116 NOW THANKS FOR PUMPING A WORTHLESS TURN CARD SHIIIIIIIIIIIP IT. Donkald goes BUSTO in the next couple of hands, and I lie and say the buffet is calling me, when in reality I'd be playing a 10/20 table for 3/6 stakes, and I'm not interested. I walk outside and bump into Linda, who was able to find the poker room without a GPS navigational system this time, and confesses that she lost it all and she's hurting all over and she's hungry and she wants to go home. I'd like to LOL, but I've been there. To add insult to injury, we have to make reservations at the buffet WTF? and when I tell her I broke even to clear my slot bonus, she started ranting and raving because she never got no goddamn bonus. So in the intervening time, I have to find her a wheelchair and take her W[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] card and figure out why she couldn't get no goddamn bonus. The chair was easy; the goddamn bonus, not so much. The computer at the W[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] enrollment booth said she never got it, so they re-installed it. I brought it back, with the chair, and when she tried to use it the panel display rejected her PIN, and when you put a "wrong" PIN in three times, it locks it out entirely. So I had to go get that fixed, and they said they wouldn't do it unless she authorized it. So I had to go get her, wheel her back there and get the card fixed, then take her back to the floor so she could clear her goddamn bonus. But she was out of cash, so she used my $20 voucher. Where I put $10 in, broke even, and got $20 back, she put $20 in and when she cleared it the voucher came out for $20.30, meaning she lost $9.70 of the $10 goddamn bonus play. LOL. Sorry, Grandma. Jesus Christ, it's almost 9 AM. [censored] it, sleep is overrated. To the Four Winds!
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