Post the stupidest drunken story you've got

[gumpzilla]

Somebody passed me a link they saw from Metafilter to this article on the prodigious drinking skills of Andre the Giant. It's worth a read in itself, but it got me thinking about stories of drinking to excess and concomitant stupidity. I bet we could round up some pretty good ones.

Here's the one I've decided on for myself. It hardly casts me in an appealing light, but I still laugh thinking about it. For some reason, I found that during the first two years of grad school I was doing a lot more drinking than I was as an undergrad. 7 or 8 of us would go out a couple of times a week and run up these sick bar tabs that, in retrospect, I have no idea how we were able to afford. (I'm sure all of you poker ballers can crush me on this one, but keep in mind that you have to normalize this to grad student salary.)

Anyway, after one of these nights we walked back to the house where a bunch of my buddies were living a couple blocks away from the bar. Upon arriving back at the house and finding an unusually large number of people there - though all people that I at least sort of knew - I for some reason decided that now was the time to take off my pants and just air it all out. So I'm walking around with my pants off, and eventually this guy Morris (name changed to protect the drunk) is envious of this idea and decides to get with the pantsless program as well.

To up the ante in the progression of stupid drunk ideas, we decide to go out on the roof and sit around while he smokes a cigarette. We're sitting up there conversing, when all of a sudden Morris announces "I'm a B-52!!!" and launches himself off of the roof. I look over the edge and see him, wearing only a shirt, lying spread eagled face down on the ground, softly moaning. To up the scary factor, he'd landed about a foot away from an iron stake in the yard for horseshoes. Yikes!

People came out to investigate. Apparently right before this happened, somebody else said "You know, the last time he got on the roof, he fell off <THUMP THUMP PLOP.> Ah, there he goes again." Anyway, out they come to find a half-naked dude in the lawn. He'd escaped any real injury, only breaking his glasses and biting his tongue. (He told me later that he ate nothing but ramen broth for the next 3 days. Jesus.) Once the situation had been resolved to my satisfaction, I began pissing off the roof, because hey, when am I going to be mostly naked on this roof again? Thankfully even in that state I was not enough of an [censored] to aim for anybody.

Shortly after this, people got a lot more serious. Which is largely for the better, but I do miss it occasionally.

Cliff's notes: Naked dude is B-52, faceplants from roof onto lawn for eventual hilarity when all ends well

Your turn!

[Mason Hellmuth]

tom10167:

I think you just found a great candidate for your murder scheme.