The mark of the douchebag

[KotOD]

Because we live in a free and open society, we can't just go around putting giant red 'D's on the douches of society. Instead, we are left to fend for ourselves, assessing and avoiding, constantly on the lookout so that some giant douche can't corner us with a story about his douchebag life. I'd like to start a comprehensive list of easily identifiable external markings that are a 100% foolproof sign of douchebaggery. My submissions are as follows:

1. White oval European country stickers with US beaches on them. Imitating these stickers with beaches is one of the worst fads of the last 15 years. I don't care that you've been to CM, SBL, LB or wherever. Everyone goes to a beach on vacation -- no one cares where you go, you aren't special. For those of you that have two stickers on your car -- we can only hope for a speedy end for you.

2. Fraternity license plates. There are no explanations needed here.

3. Famous golf club bag tags. If you aren't a member or a regular of said course, treat the thing as a souvenir and hang it in the den. Don't put it on your bag. We've all played big-name courses too, but we aren't douches enough to leave a bag tag out there for show and tell purposes. Also, if you have a bag tag for one of these courses and go out and shoot a 103 on the local muni -- kill yourself so that the rest of us don't have to suffer.

4. Wearing last year's clothing to this year's event. You people who are wearing the last tour shirt of the band you are seeing tonight; you people who are wearing "US OPEN 2005" gear to the 2006 US Open; you fellas that are wearing "WSOP 2006" gear to the 2007 WSOP -- do you know how asinine you look? Do you have any friends?

I'm holding a few others in reserve because they aren't as foolproof as these.

If you're reading and have one of the marks of the douche, don't argue, you're wrong -- you are a douche. The only thing you can do is eliminate the mark and hide your douchebaggery from the rest of the world.

For the rest of you non-douches, are there any other full proof markings that indicate the beast is among us?