Marriage: One unfaithfulness exception, or none?

[7ontheline]

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I disagree with several posters who say that my thinking about this possibility is a bad sign for marriage success. I think it would be more likely to succeed, because marriages that are based only on passion find it difficult to surmount obstacles later - keeping a level head may not be the best thing in terms of "I love you for ever and ever baby [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]" but probably it's better in the long term. People who dismiss or ignore difficulties are less prepared to deal with them.

Agree or disagree?

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Disagree, only because cheating is a total betrayal of everything the marriage is supposed to stand for. Of course there are going to be fights and rocky times, but planning for the possibility of an affair seems ridiculous to me. The posters who have said that you have no idea how you will react are probably right. It's fine to plan for what things you want to do to keep your marriage fresh, how to read trouble signs in the marriage, and so on to AVOID affairs, but emotion plays such a huge role in how you will react that trying to come up with a rational plan in advance seems a little pointless.

[Temp Hutter]

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I disagree with several posters who say that my thinking about this possibility is a bad sign for marriage success. I think it would be more likely to succeed, because marriages that are based only on passion find it difficult to surmount obstacles later - keeping a level head may not be the best thing in terms of "I love you for ever and ever baby [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]" but probably it's better in the long term. People who dismiss or ignore difficulties are less prepared to deal with them.

Agree or disagree?

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Love has more to do with self sacrifice than selfishness. If you love your wife, why would you do anything to hurt her and vice versa? Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the love of your life.

It was a big shift to get married because I was no longer #1. And now that I have kids, I am not even in the top three. Life has never been better.

[APXG]

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I disagree with several posters who say that my thinking about this possibility is a bad sign for marriage success. I think it would be more likely to succeed, because marriages that are based only on passion find it difficult to surmount obstacles later - keeping a level head may not be the best thing in terms of "I love you for ever and ever baby [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]" but probably it's better in the long term. People who dismiss or ignore difficulties are less prepared to deal with them.

Agree or disagree?

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OP,

Realize that most posters in this thread are employing the 'traditional mode of thinking' and thus are at an inherently different level of thought from you. While you may or may not be off base with your specific current ideas, don't allow those on a lower level influence you through their sheer volume.

[elus2]

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Realize that most posters in this thread are employing the 'traditional mode of thinking' and thus are at an inherently different level of thought from you

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I have a feeling that I'm getting horribly leveled here. Seriously.

[jackflashdrive]

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While 75 per cent of men are found to be involved in extramarital affairs, 25 per cent of women have relationship with men outside the purview of marriage.

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Bull. There is no way that number is true. It's written as if 3 out of 4 men who are married cheat. No way.

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Ya, I know. I didn't intend to include those middle two paragraphs. I copied and pasted from a website that I later deemed unreliable. I thought I had deleted that info from my post but apparently not. Please disregard. The 1st and 4th paragraphs are fine.

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Umm.. It's all from the same website right? If the middle part is so incredibly wrong I, for one, certainly do not believe the rest of what is written either.

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No, I did a search for marriage statistics and orginally got the information that I later said was incorrect. However, the other information (from the ABS website, the same site that you get when you click my 'fertility' link) is from a subsequent search -- different website -- and is very likely correct. It would indeed be silly for me to reject some of a websites statistics out of hand but include other stats from the same site.

[Aloysius]

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Realize that most posters in this thread are employing the 'traditional mode of thinking' and thus are at an inherently different level of thought from you

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I have a feeling that I'm getting horribly leveled here. Seriously.

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Replace "traditional" with "American" and maybe he's closer... I read a book review in The Economist about the history of infidelity, and the current climate globally of acceptance etc. In broadstrokes, it seems that the U.S. are the most uptight and suffer the most emotional devastation. Other 1st world Western countries (e.g. France) tend to look at affairs more practically wrt keeping the marriage going. I'm a traditional American, so whatever, and my take on it is similar to 7ontheline's... but it's interesting anyway. Below is something I posted in some other EDF thread:

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Thread reminded me of a book review of "Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee" (examination of infidelity around the globe, exploring differences in attitudes towards adultery, and frequency) I read a couple months ago: here is a reprint of the article.

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Her conclusion: people in rich countries value monogamy and tend not to stray often. In America, however, “adultery crises last longer, cost more, and seem to inflict more emotional torture.” Americans are so guilt-ridden, she writes, that they don't even enjoy what should be the pleasurable bit. Better, she reckons, to take a lesson from the French, who believe that monogamy is optimal, enjoy the lapses when they happen but try not to escalate them, and never, ever, confront a spouse for cheating.

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-Al

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[SlowHabit]

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the whole point of marriage is having children, otherwise why even call it marriage, just call if bf/gf.

by getting divorced, you risk screwing up your kids. once you have kids, i think you have to do whatever is best for them, not yourself.

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Looks like someone got assimilated by the Asian culture [img]/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]

[heater]

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I am actually more worried not about her being deliberately unfaithful, but as a thing where she was manipulated by another guy. She is very trusting and might make some unwise decisions if such a guy came along.

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Wow. You sure do have a ton of respect for your future wife. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[garcia1000]

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Wow. You sure do have a ton of respect for your future wife. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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I don't like olives, but I'll eat a pizza with a few bits of olive in it if it's baked well and the other ingredients are good.

Thanks everyone for the different points of view. A lot of food for thought for me.

[gurgeh]

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Thanks guys. I am actually more worried not about her being deliberately unfaithful, but as a thing where she was manipulated by another guy. She is very trusting and might make some unwise decisions if such a guy came along. I have no plans to have an affair and I don't think I will do such a thing.

I'll not bring it up, and if it really does happen, I'll deal with it then. I think it's a less than 5% chance it'll come up, anyway.

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Trusting is one thing. Dumb is another. And altogether different from both is a strong sense of identity. If she knows who she is and what she wants, she will not be manipulated into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

I may very well be wrong, but I think the capacity for self-deception is the strongest predictor of infidelity.