Emotional Affairs

[Cobretti]

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You didn't offend me Cobretti.

[/ QUOTE ]I am glad as it is controversial stuff and it easy to take the wrong way [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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He's a pretty interesting guy...confident, really smart, kind of mysterious. Anyway he does this eye thing. He stares at me in sort of an intimate way sometimes. Not like a painfully long stare, more of a penetrating glance. It's intense. Anyway, it's like the main thing that I associate with this guy. (Well that and his calm soothing voice.)

[/ QUOTE ]I think it is interesting how you describe him. All in very positive terms. You didn't say, "oh, he treats me with such respect" [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] You remember the eyes and it sounds like he has the eyes down perfectly. Done wrongly it is a creepy stare. Done correctly and it is a deep penetrating glance that has a powerful affect. The thing is that you must be responding to him or you wouldn't know it was a deep penetrating glance. Your eyes must be playing back [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[KingOtter]

This is actually an interesting topic for me, and it seems to have been derailed into PUA territory.

I'm always terrified when I first meet women. I don't trust myself. I'm married, for 12 years, happily so, and yet before my marriage I was never in a relationship where I didn't play the field... or at least want to. Now I don't want to and I'm scared that I might do it accidently. This fright is probably a self-fulfilling prophecy, since all the PUA techniques are based in confidence.

Some time ago I did ALMOST get into the emotional affair territory. Met a lady through a web-site and started chatting, joking, and had a bit of a back-and-forth on a couple web-sites and e-mail. I realized where I was going and stopped it. It was tough. There was an emotional tie there. We had never even met.

The other night I was thinking as I was driving home... an emotional affair would be much harder to take for me than a physical affair. They'd both be hard, but an emotional betrayal would absolutely be harder. It isn't a hard stretch for me at all in this world of ever-increasing contact beyond the physical that the subject of 'emotional affairs' becomes more a topic of conversation.

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]
This is actually an interesting topic for me, and it seems to have been derailed into PUA territory.

I'm always terrified when I first meet women. I don't trust myself. I'm married, for 12 years, happily so, and yet before my marriage I was never in a relationship where I didn't play the field... or at least want to. Now I don't want to and I'm scared that I might do it accidently. This fright is probably a self-fulfilling prophecy, since all the PUA techniques are based in confidence.

Some time ago I did ALMOST get into the emotional affair territory. Met a lady through a web-site and started chatting, joking, and had a bit of a back-and-forth on a couple web-sites and e-mail. I realized where I was going and stopped it. It was tough. There was an emotional tie there. We had never even met.

The other night I was thinking as I was driving home... an emotional affair would be much harder to take for me than a physical affair. They'd both be hard, but an emotional betrayal would absolutely be harder. It isn't a hard stretch for me at all in this world of ever-increasing contact beyond the physical that the subject of 'emotional affairs' becomes more a topic of conversation.

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I apologize for not responding to your post KingOtter. It was such a good post too and I meant to respond to it at length a week ago and then got overwhelmed with work and the hot guy thread.


First, I'm not sure that what I'm calling an emotional connection is the same thing that others are calling an emotional affair.

Your internet friendship is a perfect example. To me I would think that it would be cool to be able to say "hi, how's everything going with you today?" to someone on a forum. It would be reaching out and making a connection without crossing the line. Is it establishing a form of intimacy? Yeah I guess it is. But where is the harm? Is it any different from if I were to become close friends with V.R. for example, or you were to become friends with tdarko? These aren't affairs they're just internet friendships of varying closeness.

You mention in your post that you had an email thing going with a female friend and you cut it off. You said it was tough because there was an emotional tie there. But why was that necessarily bad? You mean because you were afraid it might lead to an actual meeting, because you didn't trust yourself to maintain a boundary? I know this might sound dumb but why couldn't you just keep it as an internet, non-physical friendship? I would think that this would be the ideal way to have an emotional connectedness and rich conversation without ever crossing the boundary.

[tarheeljks]

nooooo. let this thread stay dead; i can't take it [img]/images/graemlins/crazy.gif[/img]


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why couldn't you just keep it as an internet, non-physical friendship? I would think that this would be the ideal way to have an emotional connectedness and rich conversation without ever crossing the boundary.

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if he didn't trust him self to maintain the boundary, then avoidance was the best course of action. even if there is no risk of physical temptation, you can tell when you are getting into the gray area in terms of emotional involvement whether it's over lunch or via email.

[katyseagull]

Sorry tarheel! Forgot that you were tilted by this thread. My apologies [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]. I was just curious about KingOtter's email friendship. I'm a nosy person. I've been learning a lot from you guys about the male psyche and male desires. One thing I'm learning is that men get attached prettay easily to internet chicks. It would seem, if I could generalize for a second, that you guys are an all or nothing bunch. Can't you maintain friendships that are somewhere in the middle, in that grey fuzzy area of, say, friend...maybe a little more than friend but nothing physical going on, just great chemistry and support? Is that asking too much of you?!!

[tarheeljks]

heh, i was just kidding.

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One thing I'm learning is that men get attached prettay easily to internet chicks.

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maybe, but it should work both ways. i

i don't need all of a girl or none of her, but once two people reach a certain level of emotional investment i think that the desire for "all or nothing" emerges. friendships in the gray area are definitely possible and are very enjoyable rewarding, but they carry their own risks. whether it's too much to ask is circumstantial. i may be able to carry on in such a fashion with girl A w/o consequence, but w/girl B i may find myself wanting to take the next step. and obv there are the scenarios where operating in the gray area w/girl A may threaten a relationship w/girl B. it just depends;

edit: sorry, i didn't answer the question definitvely, but i've got nothing better [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]. maybe someone older can offer some wisdom

[KingOtter]

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You mention in your post that you had an email thing going with a female friend and you cut it off. You said it was tough because there was an emotional tie there. But why was that necessarily bad? You mean because you were afraid it might lead to an actual meeting, because you didn't trust yourself to maintain a boundary? I know this might sound dumb but why couldn't you just keep it as an internet, non-physical friendship? I would think that this would be the ideal way to have an emotional connectedness and rich conversation without ever crossing the boundary.

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I was definitely afraid it was going to make it to a physical meeting, and the tie was much deeper than just being friends, although it never got to one-handed typing. It was at a time, too, where I spent a very significant portion of my day on the road with a long commute, a day-job, and some businesses to look after when my day-job finished. And having that closeness with a woman not my wife, while not having that closeness with my wife while I was gone so much felt wrong.

Can I maintain a relationship that is just a 'friend' with a woman online? Probably... maybe... Especially now... I work out of the house and spend a lot of time with my family. But this was a case where it was indisputably heading beyond friendship at a time when there was a distance between me and my wife... so at that time, no, there's no way I could have just said 'this is just a case of friendship'. Not with the woman in question, and not at that time.

I agree with tarheels, too. And I don't think it's just men. I think what happens is that when people find other people that actually like to pay attention to them at a time when perhaps their real-life partners don't, it becomes pretty easy to get sucked in.

[katyseagull]

Thank you KingOtter and Tarheel. I appreciate you sharing your opinions and that story with me because it's nice to get the man's perspective on this.

I do think that people get caught up in internet friendships because maybe something is missing from their real life. I'm just not sure it's such a bad thing as long as they know how to set boundaries. But I will definitely remember what you guys said.

[Orlando Salazar]

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First things first. I want to have an emotional trist with you and your pretty toes Katy [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] I mean it in the most polite way possible. I think I'm in love!


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Orlando you big tease. I don't know if i'd know how to have an emotional trist. What would that entail on my part? Would I have to do much work?


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I find that the work is the fun part...
Me? I'm pretty easy to please =)


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This is the couple I always thought would stay together for the rest of their lives. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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This is part of the reason I don't support marriage (especially in the American sense). Many people who get married use the contract as an excused to stop doing the work needed for a strong, lasting relationship. They stop respecting eachother as individuals and ignore eachother's viability. I think discussions of expectations before moving in, children, buying a house, etc is all that necessary. Good communication and some self awareness can go a long way in avoiding these situations. But when temptation arises, people can benefit by assessing the potential risk to what they have and find out if they can handle it.

Emotional "affairs" are as bad as their effects.

[Blarg]

All that making sense sounds so unromantic!