The Better 'Deep Thoughts' thread, by jack handey (SNL)

[HensonLosesLots]

"When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or
Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it
again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some
mayonnaise for me."

"Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see
that I forgot to put on my pants."

"Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know,
most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to
laugh. Girls are funny."

"I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just
walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to
me."

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em',
cause, man, they're gone."

"Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a
mummy. Forget it, little friend."

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.""

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late."

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."

"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it
was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling."

"Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan
that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for
life?"

"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth
spin real fast and freak everybody out."

"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to
save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

"I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater
until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all
of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man,
those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and and you have
their shoes."

[Warteen]

"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a venus flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it can't hurt the frog because it only has tiny plant teeth. Then some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition."

[HensonLosesLots]

very nice

[Mingdu]

If you ever have a choice between regular heaven and pie heaven, take pie heaven. It may just be a big joke, but if it isn't then mmmmmm boy

[ICallHimGamblor]

"Sometimes I think I would be better off dead. No wait, not me. You"

[LionelHutz00]

I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense.

Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in the pancake somehow.

I believe in preserving the environment for our children, but not for our children's children. Because I don't think children should be having sex.

Sometimes I wish Marta was more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield, so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, "Well, maybe." Man, whose side is she on, anyway?

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

[HensonLosesLots]

lol last one is classic

[LionelHutz00]

ok some more:

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

[JackInDaCrak]

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

[Dr. Spaceman]

"Dad always said laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."


"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him."