jokes you've made IRL that flopped

[GrammarPolice]

[ QUOTE ]
it seemed we had a good report going.

[/ QUOTE ]

Rapport.

[modestmoose]

A local law firm got a box at an MLB game and invited a bunch of big clients and a few other local professionals including myself. I arrive at the suite and am the first person from my firm there, the only people to arrive so far are several older established businessmen in town and a couple of lawyers.

Everyone is standing in a circle chatting and a lawyer I know introduces me to everyone, basically saying everyones name and what they do/which company they own (I am 27 and probably the only person under 40).

The last person she introduces ("Jim"), she only gives his name, he is well know to everybody in our city as he own a large retailer named after himself and does a ridiculous amount of local advertising (e.g. constant radio and television ads, his picture in the local paper every weekend).

I say the first thing that comes to my mind: "So Jim what do you do?"... uncomfortable silence... "My family owns a small retailer". Apparently 40-50 year-old business types aren't big fans of The Office.

[Ikaika]

[ QUOTE ]
There are some really great lines in here. This has been one of my favorite threads in a long time. Here's my contribution:

This happened back in the day in 9th grade science class. We're watching a video on bacteria and the human body, etc. It's showing a clip of a housewife cleaning a bath tub with disinfectant when suddenly a spider crawls out of the drain and startles the woman. The narrator says, "Don't worry. It's just a common house spider. It can't hurt you."

And I go, "Unless it has a gun!"

Only me and my friend laughed. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

for some reason...this is hilarious to me. Nh.

[Autocratic]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

"When I was a kid I went out to Missouri, visiting my great grandparents. When I was there I saw a caterpillar museum, which seemed really crazy to me. I actually liked it a lot though, and I tried to go back a few years later, but it had turned into a butterfly museum."

[/ QUOTE ]

I actually really liked this one

[/ QUOTE ]

The thing with this joke is it needs to have that "I'm just telling a story" feeling. It doesn't work as a response to "Hey, Terry, tell us a joke!" I mean, obviously, if I am seeing a standup comedian I understand it's going to be jokes, but there's no contrast/exaggeration if it's explicitly laid out as a joke beforehand.

I think it's a quite solid joke.

[/ QUOTE ]

The thing is, if you ever tell anyone you do stand up as a hobby, you are constantly pestered about telling a joke. "Why can't you tell a joke? You do it all the time! Come on man! Come on!" Eventually I just started using one or two of them to tell people in these situations.

[Cancuk]

OK:

Grade 11 acting class and we have a substitute teacher who obviously doesn't know anything, like a shop teacher or something so we're just playing really stupid games until the class is over. Anyway, we're doing some retarded game where you look at eachother, one person turns around, and the other person changes something about their apperance: undoes their shoelace, button's up shirt, etc and the other person is supposed to figure out what the difference is.

So, my friend and I, who are both complete idios and will do anything for a laugh, are together. The teacher is making the rounds and she's right beside us. So, my friend turns around, I undo my pants and take them off leaving me just in boxers. My friend turns around and explodes laughing when he sees that I took my pants off and immediatly falls to the floor.

Teacher, not impressed. We were laughing for the rest of the class though.

[Phresh]

Cancuk,

That's pretty funny.

[IggyWH]

Story my roomie told me the other day :

He was hanging out with a friend who work at a different YMCA than he does and also present were four of his friends female staff members. They all know each other through the Y, but since my roomie works at a different Y, the 4 female staff members don't know him THAT well.

Somehow, they got on the topic of donating sperm and my roomies buddy told my roomie that he should donate his sperm because "he's got great sperm". I guess this line turned into the joke of the night between them all. So when my roomie was departing from the group, while hugging one of the female staff members, she says to him "You have great sperm" to which my roomie replies "Yes, I do. You should taste it sometime".

He said there was awkward silence aand weird looks all around.

[James Boston]

This happens to me all the time, usually in the form of a movie reference no one gets. It also used to happen alot when I was a kid at church. I remember the teacher once asking, after finishing the story of Jonah and the whale, what we had learned from the story. I replied, "don't go swimming without a buddy." Didn't go over well.

[T-God]

Oh, I thought of one:

A few years ago this girl from my Logic 100 (lol?) class asked me to help her out with an assignment, so I agreed and we met at some coffee shop.

She had typed out her answers already and showed them to me and I saw her name at the top. She showed me the paper then was like "I'm _______ btw (don't remember her name atm)", then she gave a playfullly upset look when I told her that I saw it on the paper already. Then I caught on to her joke and said "And your address too!". And then it was weird....


So, ya, don't make stalker jokes around girls.

[IlliniLou]

[ QUOTE ]
Story my roomie told me the other day :

He was hanging out with a friend who work at a different YMCA than he does and also present were four of his friends female staff members. They all know each other through the Y, but since my roomie works at a different Y, the 4 female staff members don't know him THAT well.

Somehow, they got on the topic of donating sperm and my roomies buddy told my roomie that he should donate his sperm because "he's got great sperm". I guess this line turned into the joke of the night between them all. So when my roomie was departing from the group, while hugging one of the female staff members, she says to him "You have great sperm" to which my roomie replies "Yes, I do. You should taste it sometime".

He said there was awkward silence aand weird looks all around.

[/ QUOTE ]
LMAO thats awesome