Standard Parent Question

Conspire · #1 10-22-2007, 03:00 PM

A couple days ago I was having a conversation with my parents and my mother brought up the issue of having kids. I have never really discussed this and I told her that I dont see myself having kids ever. She gave me this look of disappointment as if I had done something wrong. I told her, that I dont want to be held down and it is not a responsibility that I am interested in or want to take on at any point in my life. She then brings up the angle of what if your wife, not girlfriend, but wife doesnt feel the same? Of course I tell her that it would not be her decision alone I have a voice and if she wants a kid its not gonna happen.

My mother just like everyones mother wants their kids to be happy, live a good life, ya know all that fun happy stuff. I dont have a huge religious background, I was never forced to go to church and always had the option to make my own decisions in my life.

At this point in my life I just dont see myself having kids of my own in the future, but I feel like they want me to go against my feelings and atleast think about it. I cant predict how I will feel about the subject in 2,5, or 10 years. What is it with parents and why they are always so obsessed with having grandchildren?

tarheeljks · #2 10-22-2007, 03:30 PM

i had a similar scenario except i told my mom that i was unsure whether i would ever get married. she gave me the same look of disappointment you mentioned and then started sharing her sentiments about having grandchildren, etc.

my mom wanting me to get married makes more sense, but i have no idea why parents care about their children having offspring. maybe it's b/c they believe it will make us more appreciative of the sacrifices they made as a parents.

entertainme · #3 10-22-2007, 03:37 PM

[ QUOTE ]
What is it with parents and why they are always so obsessed with having grandchildren?

[/ QUOTE ]

It has something to do with continuing the family into the following generations. They probably also feel that you'll miss out on one the most rewarding experiences in life. Also, they know from their friends that having grandkids to spoil is major fun, almost part of their reward for raising you. Believe me, they get absolutely giddy when those little ones come along.

Kimbell175113 · #4 10-22-2007, 03:37 PM

[ QUOTE ]
maybe it's b/c they believe it will make us more appreciative of the sacrifices they made as a parents.

[/ QUOTE ]
Meh, it's not like they thought it through and made a decision to want grandchildren for any logical reason, it's just what their genes are telling them.

tarheeljks · #5 10-22-2007, 03:47 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
maybe it's b/c they believe it will make us more appreciative of the sacrifices they made as a parents.

[/ QUOTE ]
Meh, it's not like they thought it through and made a decision to want grandchildren for any logical reason, it's just what their genes are telling them.

[/ QUOTE ]

yeah, you're probably right. so it is what it is, then?

Conspire · #6 10-22-2007, 04:07 PM

I also took into account of after me dying who do I leave any money/possessions to? Its not like I need to have kids, I could donate all my money/possessions to a charity and help out a lot of people.

Maybe im just being too self centered and not thinking about other people in my life at the moment.

daveT · #7 10-22-2007, 04:24 PM

If you are under 30, you shouldn't be having kids.

I think that for several people, they go through changes. If you force yourself to try to have a wife at 25 or whatever, you will be a statistic like the other 75% of unsuccessful marriages, and you don't want that for kids. I think that these days, we are maturing in more ways, and nature seems to know that, and it does not allow us to mature to child-wanting until we are ready. Unfortunately, many people feel rushed into parenthood, and that does not turn out good.

Blarg · #8 10-22-2007, 04:34 PM

Being older has a lot of benefits, but just being around younger people livens older people up. It gives them a lot of energy and reminds them of how much of that optimism and bounce might still lurk inside them. It's invigorating. If I wanted to die quick as an old person, the first thing I would do is surround myself with other old people. If I wanted to stay vigorous and optimistic, the first thing I would do is surround myself with kids. It would just feel better.

To the OP, I think your folks also feel that their own story is getting chopped off before finishing, when you don't help finish it for them. It's natural to think one's story goes on, and hopeful. Having it cut off doesn't give that sense of roundness, of a fully-developed life and complete story. It's bound to be disappointing, even if it's not surprising in the least.

Imagine how many parents of gay kids go through this. A lot of the disappointment they may feel probably has nothing to do with their kids sexual orientation; it just means that unless something a bit odd and still fairly unlikely is done, the story of those parents, and that bloodline with all its parents before it, comes to a quick stop right there. They're one star in the heavenly firmament that just blinked out.

Blarg · #9 10-22-2007, 04:40 PM

[ QUOTE ]
If you are under 30, you shouldn't be having kids.

I think that for several people, they go through changes. If you force yourself to try to have a wife at 25 or whatever, you will be a statistic like the other 75% of unsuccessful marriages, and you don't want that for kids. I think that these days, we are maturing in more ways, and nature seems to know that, and it does not allow us to mature to child-wanting until we are ready. Unfortunately, many people feel rushed into parenthood, and that does not turn out good.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agree. Parenthood and adulthood are very far from the same thing. One can push you toward the other, at best. But just because you hit a certain age doesn't mean you are ready emotionally or financially to have a kid.

It used to be people just popped them out and that was that. It still is that way, but much more so by far among poor and uneducated people. Because that's one of the best ways to stay poor and uneducated yourself, and pass it along to your children. The birth rate in all developed countries dries up as people realize they have options, and pumping out kids without consideration for the consequences to either parent or child is often a big mistake.

4_2_it · #10 10-22-2007, 04:51 PM

You know, my dad made this comment to me about 10 years ago: "Have you ever noticed how the very old and the very young seem to be able to interact on almost every level?"

He said this as we watched my grandfther play with my 3 year daughter. I was very close to my grandfather growing up, but never saw him act this way around me. I think the fact that he was now 80 instead of 55 made a big difference.