How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

[Howard Beale]

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Do you have friends at the casino you play at?

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I'll be your friend. Just let me know ahead of time and I'll clean up before you bring her. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

I'm also in accord w/ the others here: You have to tell her straight up exactly what you are doing, no holding back. There is no use trying to whitewash it or lie or make it seem different than what it is. I'd tell her everything and let her see it for herself by sitting behind you a few times. At least that won't be as boring as sitting behind me. I want to say it again: Be completely honest. So far I've seen 3 marriages break up over poker. I'd like to avoid a 4th.

[Cactus Jack]

Frankly, there's very little you can do, my friend. If she doesn't understand the basic math of poker, then all you say will go in one ear and out the other. Some people don't get it, like congressmen or my mother. They will always equate gambling with luck.

My ex was bipolar, and when she sat in front of a slot machine, she was playing until it was gone. Yet, she hated my playing poker and couldn't believe I wasn't just getting lucky. She never got comfortable, and we split, although more the bipolar part than the poker part.

My only advice is never surrender your penis. If she owns it, she'll own everything else. It sounds as if you might already be in negotitiations for a Neville Chamberlain peace accord. Man up, or lose it. No other way to put it.

CJ

[The Dude]

You're an idiot for lying to her for so long. The best thing to do, as others have already said, is to be open about it. Starting the conversation with "Honey, I've been misleading you for years about how much I gamble with, but you should know before we move in" is problematic, but it would be completely unnecessary if you hadn't lied for so long anyway. And if you wait until the stakes are higher (you've moved in together, you're engaged, etc) it's only a recipe for a bigger disaster.

Good luck, dummy.

[surfdoc]

I have a pretty good deal of experience in this department and it sounds like a similar situation to where I was a few years ago. I think some people underestimate how hard it is to convince people that what we do isn't the same type of gambling as the gambling that was done by their uncle Charlie who lost the family retirement at some sleezy casino in Reno one week. I think those saying that is a measure of you girl's intelligence are dead wrong. That has nothing to do with it. As far as what you want to tell her, it really does depend on what your goals are in life and with her.

If you are going to keep a full time job and only play poker on the side as a hobby for extra income and entertainment then I don't really think it matters if you tell her about the daily swings as long as you are a winning player. If you have a seperate roll and this money has nothing to do with her or the monthly expenses then it will be fine. For a while I just cut my win/loss by one zero and reported that number and it worked just fine. In fact, I still don't see any need to report the huge losses. It accomplishes very little. In fact, I think it is better to train them not to even ask when you come home from a session. It actually works out well. Sometimes I don't even know myself which is awesome and akin to playing online with a tilt blocker. I just think it is unhealthy and unwise to update the sig other on a a daily basis. They aren't trained the way we are to handle the emotional swings associated with daily variance. I still only update my wife on a monthly basis. This is basically inevitable since I have to have some justification for ramping down my hours at the regular job and buying all kinds of stuff with winnings will really be the only possible way that I can keep playing a lot.

However, there are many caveats. How you spend your time after a 9-5 day will become a big issue. If you head to the casino 4 nights a week this is going to start wearing her down, especially if there are kids. Therefore, if you plan to play a lot of poker, or use it as a primary source of income, you will need to tell her why you are going there so often and share your results. For a while I was only playing on my own time and it gets pretty easy for them to lock you down if you are just playing for fun. This is even more true after kids arrive. If you can show that the income has a positive impact on your life then the pain or annoyance of you being gone will start to melt away and if you are really lucky you may get encouraged to go play. This is seemingly pretty rare even with my friends who are full time pros.

My advice is to take this slow. You are mostly hearing advice from the younger crowd who are pushing the "come clean" line. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not advocating lying to her directly. I just think that drawing a line in the sand before she is ready is a good way to wreck a relationship. In general, most of us have a good deal of issues. The women are certainly no different. Just give it some time to develop and understand that it will come with patience. Good luck.

[SNOWBALL]

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if she gives you an ultimatum you have a decision to make. if she's someone you plan on making your wife, examine your priorities. if your own needs/wants are more important to your fulfillment than she is, then it eventually wasn't going to work anyway. plus, she might surprise you.

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It works both ways. If she gives pope an ultimatum then it shows that her petty prejudices are more important to her than he is, and it wasn't going to work anyway.

[surfdoc]

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if she gives you an ultimatum you have a decision to make. if she's someone you plan on making your wife, examine your priorities. if your own needs/wants are more important to your fulfillment than she is, then it eventually wasn't going to work anyway. plus, she might surprise you.

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It works both ways. If she gives pope an ultimatum then it shows that her petty prejudices are more important to her than he is, and it wasn't going to work anyway.

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This isn't really how things work man. Sometimes people are confused and need time to sort it out. We all have flaws and any lasting relationship with have to overcome challenges and both will need to compromise.

[James.]

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if she gives you an ultimatum you have a decision to make. if she's someone you plan on making your wife, examine your priorities. if your own needs/wants are more important to your fulfillment than she is, then it eventually wasn't going to work anyway. plus, she might surprise you.

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It works both ways. If she gives pope an ultimatum then it shows that her petty prejudices are more important to her than he is, and it wasn't going to work anyway.

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i agree. however, i don't know her, but from what pope has stated he said that he didn't know how he would handle an ultimatum. after all, he is the one that has been deceitful. so i would think that's probably a bigger part of the equation than her prejudices on a particular subject. and just because someone is ignorant doesn't mean they are petty. they are just misinformed/uninformed. hopefully pope can speak with her in a diplomatic manner and help her see the light. if not, as you(and i) said it wasn't going to work very long anyway.

the key is: talk to her about it before you go any further in the relationship. if it doesn't work out, don't do it again in the future. learn from the mistake and grow as a person. that's all anyone can do or ask for in these types of unfortunate situations.

keep in mind, if this thing's going to work there's a decent chance she'll surprise you with understanding. if she doesn't understand/accept it then it's likely a matter of time anyway...

[DUI]

you tell her yourself (directly) about what it is that you do and how you play, also why you play as well as the benefits you receive from playing. Show her this the person you are, and explain to her by explaining how different she is by participating in her own activites that she likes to involve herself into. She will either understand what you do if you can show how you are playing your game to best win over a long haul. If she cannot see that, there is not much that you two can do to be happy and share the same future together without a fight by the issue coming between the two of you

[scoresman]

As someone who recentley got married, come clean wirh her. Give the benifit of the doubt that she can understand that your are a winning player. Have her read books or look at this site to understand that you are a winning player and that poker is beatable. as lomg as your poker money is seperate from your other monies she should understand.

[Adebisi]

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She doesn't approve of 'gambling' and while she knows I am a winning player, doesn't like that it adds nothing to society.

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It's probably more important that you not associate with people for whom you need to plan strategies to justify your existence. Four years is a long time but you have a lot more to go.


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It's definately a bad idea to consider marrying someone who doesn't "approve" of what you do. I think it's very arrogant when one person thinks that how another person makes a living needs to meet their own personal moral standards. Tell her you'll start contributing to society when society makes your car payment, pays your rent, electric bill, cable bill, health insurance bill, and buys you food, clothes, flatsrceen TVs, and kitchen gadgets.

Don't entangle yourself with people who hold wildly different values than you do. It won't end well.