Two Plus Two Newer Archives  

Go Back   Two Plus Two Newer Archives > Limit Texas Hold'em > Medium Stakes Limit

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-24-2007, 04:40 AM
that_pope that_pope is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Casino AZ
Posts: 458
Default How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

Hey guys, not a strategy question, but I got the PJ approval, and medium stakes is the preferred audience since 95% of us play live...

So I have been going out with her for almost 4 years now, and we are finally moving in together middle of December when she gets back from Argentina. She knows I play poker often (probably estimates it at about 60% of what I really do), but if she asks how I did, I always say something about losing $100 or $200 or winning $100 or $200.

She doesn't approve of 'gambling' and while she knows I am a winning player, doesn't like that it adds nothing to society. If I win for a given session, it cheapens her work for the day. I do have a full time job, so that definately lessens the amount of pain there, but it is still there. If I lose for a given session, it is obviously bad as well.

So things are probably going to get serious, and I imagine I will propose in the next 6 months to a year if living together goes well. But before I propose, and probably shortly after she starts living with me, I would like to come clean with how much I can win/lose in a given night. I have all my sessions tracked in Excel for the past 3 years, and have shown a profit every year. I do have some large losses of like $4000+ and wins of the same magnitude that might scare her.

So I know I need to be honest with her, because her finding out from one of my friends who know my activity would be 10x worse (would probably occur on a night of drinking, which would make the fight even worse).

So whats the best way to go about this. I don't want to do it until after xmas and us getting used to living together. But that means I will need to hide my money even better then I do now.

Is coming straight out and explaining it to her that it is a great outlet for my competitive nature, I enjoy it as a hobby, and I make a nice side income from it as well.

Buying her stuff with poker winnings wouldn't convince her of it, since she isn't the material/gold digging type.

So any advice/experiences would be welcomed while I prep myself for the 'talk'. Another wrinkle in it is that I hate working 9 to 5, and she loves her line of work, so I could see eventually me being a stay at home dad who plays poker 20-30 hours a week to make an income as well.

I don't know if it would be a deal breaker if she puts her foot down and says I can't play that much, but it just might be...I enjoy it that much.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-24-2007, 05:08 AM
SNOWBALL SNOWBALL is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Where the citizens kneel 4 sex
Posts: 7,795
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

I hate to say it, but if she doesn't understand eventually then you are either really bad at explaining stuff, or she is just dumber than a sack of bricks. Every single intelligent person I have talked to about poker was able to understand it fairly quickly. The exception is if she really does have very deep rooted issues against gambling.

FWIW, it doesn't sound like she does. If she says "it's useless for society", it sounds like she is just expressing an opinion, and not like she is taking a life or death stand against gambling.

Also, if your poker BR is separate from your regular assets then it's none of her business if you set it in fire. She shouldn't care. Most winning players can lose their entire net worth and still be way way up in regards to poker. In other words, even if you were to go broke tomorrow, you wouldn't have a reason to regret playing poker in the past.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-24-2007, 05:20 AM
private joker private joker is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: north american scum
Posts: 11,413
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

I'm really surprised you've been able to keep it from her for this long after 4 years. It seems like it would just sort of come out at some point before this.

I don't think I'm qualified to give too good an answer here because I'm not at all in the same situation -- not only does my girlfriend love the fact that I play poker, but she begs to sit behind me when I do and she's started playing 4/8, because she got into it so quickly. I've tried to dissuade her, but if she's gonna play no matter what I say, at least I try to teach her. She always asks how much I won or lost every night, and although that annoys me to no end, I oblige her -- and when it's a big win she says nice job, and when it's a big loss she says "that's ok, you'll win it all back and more because you're a winning player."

So that said, I'm of the opinion that you should come clean as soon as possible, and do it by showing a chart/graph of your winnings. Tell her that every year you've supplemented your income with poker and that the extra money will help the two of you in things like traveling, car payments, insurance, etc., and that you're investing some of your winnings in like a Roth IRA or some crap.

Next, try to get her over the hump of poker=gambling. Try, as patiently as possible, to explain that it's a game where skill trumps luck. It's a sport. Tell her the reason the same 10 guys keep popping up on TV final tables is the same reason the same 10 rednecks keep winning NASCAR races. You get good at it and you win consistently. Tell her if you made a deal where you flipped a coin with her and every time it came up heads you'd pay her a dollar but every time it came up tails she'd pay you a dollar-fifty. She would reply she doesn't like the sound of that, and you tell her that all poker is is putting opponents in a situation where they're forced to take that wager or give up the pot. Tell her these losing nights are the times the coin came up heads, but in the long run it came up tails enough times to pay me back more than my fair share. And that statistically it's impossible for the tails person to ever lose money in the long run.

If she can't digest logic like that, tell her that she shouldn't be worried that poker is all you do since you have a full time job. Remind her that she trusts you and loves you and that you wouldn't be messing around with this money if it was just some silly risk; you respect her and you respect the value of money too much for that. Remind her you never "gamble" with it -- you never play blackjack (you don't, right?), craps, or bet on sports. You don't take wagers where you have the worst of it. You're smart and you have months upon months of data to prove it.

If she can't accept that, then you're screwed. But I hope she's cool enough that she doesn't force you to choose between her and poker.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-24-2007, 05:29 AM
that_pope that_pope is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Casino AZ
Posts: 458
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

Thanks for the good post PJ. I only 'gamble' when I go to Vegas, and that is 2-3 times a year, and the majority is still poker. The reason I have been able to 'keep' it from her is because I only started playing 20/40 regularly in June, and she left for Argentina in August. Before that, my main game was 8/16, in which I brought 600 or 800 to the casino, and a "win or loss" of 100 or 200 was a lot closer to realistic. With my shots at 40/80 and 30/60 in Vegas, the thousands are a lot more realistic, and when an average day at a real job is 200-300 for both of us, it will appear excessive. I have no doubts she will accept that I am a winning player, I don't think I put enough emphasis on the 'gambling' productive part of society part of the equation. When I bitch about not enjoying going to work every day, she jokingly tells me to quit and play poker, but I know it is a bluff, and decline and appease her everyime.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-24-2007, 06:05 AM
mike l. mike l. is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: yes i coach live lhe now pm me
Posts: 8,340
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

if winning or losing $100-200 is a deal breaker for you or her than you have no sort of relationship worth taking seriously in the first place.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-24-2007, 07:12 AM
Michael Davis Michael Davis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Grinding out 3k a month at 9-18
Posts: 6,853
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

It's probably more important that you not associate with people for whom you need to plan strategies to justify your existence. Four years is a long time but you have a lot more to go.

-Michael
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-24-2007, 11:26 AM
James. James. is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: McFadden for Heisman
Posts: 5,963
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

[ QUOTE ]
if winning or losing $100-200 is a deal breaker for you or her than you have no sort of relationship worth taking seriously in the first place.

[/ QUOTE ]

i don't know if this is as much the case as sometimes people just aren't compatible.

my personal opinion, you need to sack up and come clean pronto. do it BEFORE you guys move in, as that will just make the situation more difficult when it comes to a head. i'm 32, but i've known alot of women in my days and there is one common characteristic that most any female of reasonable intelligence, self-esteem, and self-respect has in common: they hate to be lied to. i think if you sit down with her, explain the situation, and deal with it in a straightforward honest manner you are going to come out ahead in the long run. let here make the decision for herself whether or not she wants to be with you. hiding the truth from her is going to set a precedent that could infiltrate the core of your relationship and make here skeptical about EVERYTHING you say. in other words she won't be able to trust you, and a relationship without trust isn't a relationship worth having anyway.

sit her down(or take her to a really nice dinner), and ease here into the fact that you deal with more dollar volume than you have indicated to her in the past. a little tip, if you don't have a problem with white lies(which given your situation you don't seem to [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]) tell here that you've recently began playing higher stakes or something. even doing this is dangerous, however, because as i said before females cherish trust(rightly so IMO) in a serious relationship above most anything else. if she finds out you weren't completely truthful with her, it could cause some serious damage later.

if you really care for her, do what's best for you both. come clean. if she gives you an ultimatum you have a decision to make. if she's someone you plan on making your wife, examine your priorities. if your own needs/wants are more important to your fulfillment than she is, then it eventually wasn't going to work anyway. plus, she might surprise you. you never know. good luck.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-24-2007, 01:32 PM
jkamowitz jkamowitz is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,229
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

Do you have friends at the casino you play at? Are there nice restaurants?

My girl quickly changed her mind about me going away when I took her to the Borgata and introduced her around and went to a nice dinner. She understood that it wasn't just a place for low lifes and bums and that there were plenty of people like me who've become friends.

Seriously though, I agree with James and that you should just come out and tell her the truth about everything. She'l be more excited with your big wins and eventually come to understand the bad times.

(this pertains to my girl so it may not pertain to yours)
Honestly, my girlfriend could care less about how much I make/lose, she does however love to hear stories about the players and different people I've met. It makes it more real and a lot more interesting to her. So try that route.

I wish you both the best in solving this.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-24-2007, 01:41 PM
ssmallz ssmallz is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: big street whore
Posts: 3,216
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

Totally agreed w/Jkamowitz. I took my g/f to vegas when she didn't know anything about gambling. Once she saw the inside of the bellagio and all the nice restaurants, I was home free. It also might help if you make a gangsta roll of your last months winnings. Then drop in the middle of the table when you having the conversation. It really helps drive home the point that this is your job and not just some hobby.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-24-2007, 02:17 PM
Frond Frond is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Liddsville
Posts: 1,796
Default Re: How to tell girlfriend about amount of money spent playing poker

Agree that honesty is the way to go here for you.

We have a friend who got married years ago and found out(a few months after they were married)about the several enormous credit card balances that her husband had. She wan't too happy at all. Not good to hide anything like that. It can create huge problems later on.

As for your poker money, as long as you are keeping it completely seperate from your other $ that is good. I keep my poker roll completely seperate and I explained that to my wife. For my sessions I tell her how it went but she doesn't feel the need to ask me the exact amount I won or lost every time. If she asks I tell her. It also helped that I was able to play this year and use some of my profits on things like a hotel room or two, a new ring for my wife and I subsidized my 8 yr olds birthday party with some winnings [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]. We sat down and talked and I told her that I really genuinely felt like I could do this for some income supplement. She sees me studying and talking about hands with buds here etc. so she knows that I am serious about it. She also sees that it does not consume my life and I balance out my various activities which is also important. You can also tell her how important it is to have her own indivdual activities to enjoy.

Good luck
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:42 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, vBulletin Solutions Inc.