Learning to communicate - Page 2

DLizzle · #11 10-19-2007, 06:15 AM

i have the same problem as OP, which i would describe as difficulty in articulating my thoughts. it seems like what comes out of my mouth or in writing is not what was in my head. its much more of a problem in verbal conversation than on a forum because you can't think for too long about what you are going to say. for me, its not a problem with nerves or anything like that, i just simply have trouble putting the idea in my head into words. it's not a huge deal for me though, i don't think about it that much, but i definitely know exactly what OP is talking about.

some things that may help:

-increase your vocabulary
-if you have some thought, like an abstract thought or something that you can't explain to someone, its possible that it doesn't even make sense and thats why when you try t express it you fail. find someone you are very comfortable with to blab on about this crap that you think of, then get them to help you pick apart what you are trying to say. while frustrating, you might often learn that what you were thinking about, while seeming crystal clear in your head, was actually unexplainable nonsense, hence why you had trouble explaining it.

jeffnc · #12 10-19-2007, 09:36 AM

Yes, a little sometimes. Probably get it from my mom, who tries to overexplain things. One thing I'm trying to do is realize I just don't have to say as much as I think I do. (I use online forums to get a lot of that out.) I'm working on saying less, and having it be more significant when I do. Then there will be a tendency for others to interrupt less often and you'll be able to get your point across while calmer. You don't need to say anything until you have a solid point formed in your mind. If an opportunity passes where you could have state your opinion, so what? There are about 6,602,224,174 people in the world who really don't care.

A good therapist or coach would be a good idea, but the trick there is finding a really good one who is worth the money. Not too easy.

jeffnc · #13 10-19-2007, 09:40 AM

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Whereas, in conversation there's no time to organize; it's just assumed that people's thoughts are already in a form that is digestible by others. And I don't think mine are. I have to translate my thoughts into English, if that makes sense (not that I think in Polish or Spanish or something, it's just that I don't think of my thoughts as 'words') It's as though anything I put down on paper (or electronic text) is a pale imitation of the real ideas I had, and yet it doesn't seem as though it's this way for everyone.

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Hmmm, interesting. Did you see the documentary on the guy who kept numbers in his brain as shapes? He knew pi to thousands of places, all stored as a shape landscape. He visited New York City or somewhere, and he felt uncomfortable, like he was surrounded by the number 9 (which was big to him).

Anyway, I think you need to practice "translating" and finding your own code. Work up from "slow" social situations, like a few people sitting around a camp fire where periods can go by without much being said. Or hang around some friends who don't speak real fast so it's not hard "to get in a word edgewise." Improve from there. Do you have a friend you can "practice" talking with? He/she should allow lots of gaps/silence and waiting time. This part is in and of itself very uncomfortable for some people.

jeffnc · #14 10-19-2007, 09:42 AM

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I don't know, I don't drink. (not opposed to it, and will almost certainly drink in the future, but well, I also happen to be quite socially inept and I don't often find myself in situations where one would drink.)

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I don't drink a whole lot, but when I get a buzz it's a good thing for me usually - it mellows me out and takes the edge off my communication style. Try it sometime.

bobman0330 · #15 10-19-2007, 09:43 AM

I dunno if this is helpful, but it might be. Try slowing down your talking some. I used to talk way too fast. That makes it harder for people to understand the actual words that you are saying, and it makes them less polished, which means you're even more incomprehensible. Sit down with a friend and a tape recorder and try to explain something to them (perhaps why you're recording them). Play it back and listen to the speed of your speech. See if there's room to slow it down to give yourself more time to go over what you're saying.

Also, consider what you say while you're thinking. If you're nervous, you might fill your pauses with something like "er" or "um," which is bad. People will remain attentive for a surpising amount of time if you say nothing at all during a break in your speech. (Maybe trail out your final word a little or make some kind of hand gesture to indicate that you're thinking.) But if you fill up pauses with "um, um, um, um," you'll lose people almost immediately.

jeffnc · #16 10-19-2007, 09:45 AM

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Also, consider what you say while you're thinking. If you're nervous, you might fill your pauses with something like "er" or "um," which is bad. People will remain attentive for a surpising amount of time if you say nothing at all during a break in your speech.

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Actually, some will and some won't. Maybe part of his problem is that he's has too many people he's talking to that jump in when there's a pause. Takes me back to my previous comment about saying less and having it hold more "weight" when you do say something.

Kimbell175113 · #17 10-19-2007, 09:46 AM

Wow, thanks guys, I have a lot to think about.

edit: I do want to reiterate that this is not about nerves. It's just as bad when I'm talking to my mom or to a pillow, as it would be if I were speaking at the SuperBowl. This is something else.

dethgrind · #18 10-19-2007, 12:49 PM

Suppose you do get a million times better after a couple drinks. What does that mean? Is there something you can do to get close to that communication ability without having to drink?

LWor · #19 10-19-2007, 01:34 PM

I had that problem as a child and then as a teen.
When I was 10 I started reading a lot ; that helped.

But what helped the most was getting a "real" girlfriend when I turned 16.
Girls love to talk, and they always want to know what you think, how you feel etc, so you end up having to put words on everything that goes through your head.

After 5 years of practice (with the same girl), I never had that problem ever again.

Kimbell175113 · #20 10-19-2007, 01:38 PM

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But what helped the most was getting a "real" girlfriend when I turned 16.
Girls love to talk, and they always want to know what you think, how you feel etc, so you end up having to put words on everything that goes through your head.

After 5 years of practice (with the same girl), I never had that problem ever again.

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Sounds awful.