Please respond: a short fiction piece

[rothko]

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Rothko,

The reason I submitted it for feedback prior to the rewrite and edit is because I overlooked some of the obvious stuff (like the Chinese food generalization). I might have noticed it during rewriting, but after reading it over a few times before posting it, I hadn't seen it. So there is something incredibly helpful about posting it now and then reposting it after I get some of the obvious feedback and rewriting it.

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of course, it's helpful for you. the point is that you shouldn't really bring a "rough-rough draft" to us, as our help should be limited.

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And thanks for the clarification about the John Deere thing. I understand what you're saying, and actually agree...though I worry the effect is lost by removing a word.

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the language should be smooth. you don't lose anything that you don't want to by making it flow better.

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Re grammar: For real? I tend to do all right with grammar and I'm surprised there is enough in there that it isn't a quick mention. I see a couple errors in what is posted above, but whatever. I'll fix those and then when I repose the rewrite we can have a discussion on prescriptive and descriptive if I'm lucky.

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no, no, you were actually quite fine in this department, which is refreshing. often, people post stuff that doesn't even seem proofread.