Should I break up with my girlfriend for being a snoop?

[skunkworks]

gump, there's a fuzzy line that separates harmless flirting from the sort of probing flirtation that we do to maintain an open line of communication in hopes of future vagina (or dick), juuuust in case our current relationship falls apart. I'm okay with the first type, but I would be a bit insulted if I was in a good relationship with a girl and she was setting up "safety net relationships" all around her. It just shows a lack of respect and confidence in the current relationship.

[Blarg]

OP's behavior isn't relevant to the question of whether it's ok to abuse someone's trust and privacy. And I think everyone has a right to both, even people in a couple. If you trust someone so little that you're willing to be completely untrustworthy yourself in response, you don't have a leg to stand on either, and neither does the relationship. What kind of a relationship is that, anyway? Once it's on that level, it's either on the way out or it never really was. And you're not really ready to move on to another mature relationship, either. (I'd bet this kind of snooping and distrust actually become easily addictive.)

By doing that kind of thing, you are taking a very active hand in your own destruction by sabotaging yourself and the relationship too. Whatever you may find out about how trustworthy your mate is, doesn't work well.

1. If you find out there's no problem, and he finds out, now he knows you are untrustworthy and only have so much moral character as you feel convenient at any one time. Who knows what you'll do tomorrow and how low you'll sink tomorrow? Well, you've certainly given him an indication of your capabilities!

2. If you find out there IS a problem, and he finds out how you figured it all out, again you're showing your morals are a matter of convenience. If he wants to come back to you emotionally, what is he going to come back to, and what are you two going to be capable of creating, now that you've shown your own true colors?

Of course, some people love drama, and for them, it's worth any sacrifice, including their own happiness and/or integrity and the strength of their relationships. They probably on some level hope for a nasty discovery to fuel the fire. There are plenty of people who thrive on this kind of drama and think that's what love is. To each their own I guess. We all try to construct our worlds as best we can, but it seems to me better to just find a different partner and live differently. The result would likely be both a happier and a much better person.

[traz]

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gump, there's a fuzzy line that separates harmless flirting from the sort of probing flirtation that we do to maintain an open line of communication in hopes of future vagina (or dick), juuuust in case our current relationship falls apart. I'm okay with the first type, but I would be a bit insulted if I was in a good relationship with a girl and she was setting up "safety net relationships" all around her. It just shows a lack of respect and confidence in the current relationship.

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Agreed. Situations come up where it's ok to flirt for fun...but going out of your way just to keep options open is bad.

It seems like both parties is guilty of this

[Blarg]

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gump, there's a fuzzy line that separates harmless flirting from the sort of probing flirtation that we do to maintain an open line of communication in hopes of future vagina (or dick), juuuust in case our current relationship falls apart. I'm okay with the first type, but I would be a bit insulted if I was in a good relationship with a girl and she was setting up "safety net relationships" all around her. It just shows a lack of respect and confidence in the current relationship.

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Agreed. Both partners are doing this; she's setting up her cushion of c*ck to fall back on(if she's not already playing with it a bit) and he's taking phone numbers from girls. Neither one seems all that sure about where things stand or maybe even where they want them to.

[nath]

"If I do really want to stick with this relationship, I'm going to be wary of driving the final nail in the coffin"? Wow, sounds like you're 90% out the door already.

[VoraciousReader]

Blarg,

I guess my point is, if you want to be trusted, try being trustworthy.

Both parties are behaving ridiculously, and commenting on only one side seems slanted.

[leehrat]

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8. She maintains a close relationship with her old boyfriend whom she cheated on (eventually dumping) with me. She's also very close to his mother. None of this bothers me.

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Brilliant!


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No one thinks she's currently (or has, or will) cheating on OP?

Her snooping and questioning OP's 'fidelity' is her projecting her own issues onto him. Whether that's because of past or present behavior is open to question.

The whole 'maintaining-close-relationship-with-ex-she-cheated-on' is kinda weird to me, indicates he must be really emo or needy or something. what guy in his right mind would keep a close relationship w/ a girl who cheated on him -- unless he was still banging her himself?

likewise on the older guy. what's he hanging around for, what's she keeping him around for, eh?

OP, it's great that you're a trusting guy -- that'll work well for you someday in some relationship w/ a non-crazy. in the meantime, keep it wrapped...

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yeah she's prob banging someone else, maybe her ex-bf. how tall are you OP?

[Blarg]

It was only one side I was attempting to address, so that was complete within itself.

Also, I really don't think any good is done by letting any arguments between people descend into stuff like, "Oh, yeah, well what about YOU...", that kinda deal. That doesn't justify a thing, nor address whatever is being talked about at the time. To the contrary, it very unproductively turns the focus away from what you need to deal with and is often emotionally and intellectually very dishonest. When I hear discussions turning that way, I know any spirit of cooperation and goodwill have left the room and now two people aren't working together, but pitting themselves against each other.

You can't have a talk like that with only one idiot; both parties have to consent to be idiots to do that. Being idiotic seems like a poor approach to dealing with anything of emotional consequence.

Basically, there is no wider context for one's own poor behavior that is relevant or changes anything. You either are a person who does certain things, or you aren't.

[Boris]

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No one thinks she's currently (or has, or will) cheating on OP?

Her snooping and questioning OP's 'fidelity' is her projecting her own issues onto him. Whether that's because of past or present behavior is open to question.

The whole 'maintaining-close-relationship-with-ex-she-cheated-on' is kinda weird to me, indicates he must be really emo or needy or something. what guy in his right mind would keep a close relationship w/ a girl who cheated on him -- unless he was still banging her himself?

likewise on the older guy. what's he hanging around for, what's she keeping him around for, eh?

OP, it's great that you're a trusting guy -- that'll work well for you someday in some relationship w/ a non-crazy. in the meantime, keep it wrapped...

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I agree with this.

[tailspin4540]

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me and her hit it off (at a funeral) .

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Yet another WTF in a thread full of them.

OP, please break this off.