I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
This is tldr/emo/and a bit self absorbed, but whatever.

I can relate pretty closely to OP. I am incredibly socially anxious in almost all settings. I have zero small talk and I am not sure why. In group settings I almost always sit on the fringes and chime in from time to time. Even around some close friends I can have difficulty connecting one on one.

What really bothers me is that I don't understand why or how it has become like this. Throughout high school I had a very large group of friends and was well liked. Stupid as it sounds to mention, I was voted as having best sense of humour in my high school year. People generally were interested in what I thought about things and I was happy expressing my opinions. Since then, though (I'm 5 years out of high school) things have gone to [censored]. I just find myself incapable of talking about much, and most of the people I have formed connections with are, if not simple themselves necessarily, interested in simple things. I'm not at all witty. I rarely have deep philosophical/political/whatever discussions with anyone (I studied philosophy and politics at uni, fwiw). I'm not depressed, and I still get by okay, but it's very frustrating.

Anyway, I offer that as context. In my view, or at least in my case, it's not something I think that can be remedied through external things alone. I mean, I've often thought the answer was to go out and get more experiences --> become more interesting, but it's never worked.


[/ QUOTE ]

Too early to judge. You're still a VERY young guy. It absolutely will not hurt to keep plugging at expanding yourself. If nothing else, you're way too young to get set in your ways or think about slowing down. You're barely out of the house, in life terms.

Also, building up to a better self is something that accumulates slowly. Luckily though, it's also inevitable if you keep on working on it. So don't get discouraged if you don't transform overnight or even in a few years to be exactly where you want to be, or even super-close. Life takes time; wisdom takes time; experiences need to unfold. Don't be too hard on yourself while learning and becoming a better person. It's not a quick-fix thing, but in the long run it's extremely rewarding to try.

And you know, even trying makes you a much, much better person. How many other people don't even bother to try? Or reach a certain level and cut off their own growth, almost as if to spite themselves? Just relentlessly trying, in your best humor, accepting yourself for what you are as you put forth your best effort, will put you so much closer to being the person you want to be, even if you feel very far from your goals.

[ QUOTE ]

So all this is a roundabout way of saying that for those suggesting OP ask more open ended questions/follow local sports teams/take a trip to europe etc., if his issues with social anxiety are anything like mine it's likely that these tips treat the symptoms and not the cause.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm not so sure. It sounds like you are not very accepting of yourself, and so feel socially inhibited. And like you have tried to make changes and grow, but feel frustrated that you cannot force the pace. I think you're trying to better yourself in a way that is somewhat artificial, not organic. You don't accept yourself enough now, but you also don't accept the validity of trying to change and recognize the worth of what good things you are bringing to yourself by slow accretion, and what good you have already accomplished, and what foundations you have laid for further growth. It sounds like your lack of faith in your own good work is hurting you, and that you don't accept that laying stronger foundations is slow, unglamorous work. You want growth and maturation to work differently than they do. But they don't, and so you are losing faith in the effort since you cannot tweak and hurry and make more fun the process.

It sounds like you also may be blind to the fact that it is bad experiences and failures, as well as triumphs, that make you a better, more interesting and rounded person. People who have not undergone some significant trauma in life are almost always less interesting, less kind, and less perceptive, because they haven't been truly tested in the real fire of life, and knocked off the pedestal of their self-regard and separation from other people. So while your efforts to expand yourself may seem like you are wasting your time in blind alleys and having a harder life, it isn't in vain. You're finding out what works for you, and why.

Further, what is the opportunity cost of not growing? Stagnation is extremely costly. It's much easier to change when you are in a job, not a career; when you have a girlfriend, not a wife; when you aren't sure what city you want to live in rather than paying off a mortgage. While trying to grow entails risk and almost always has a cost, it's cheaper when you're young and not set in your ways and obligations, the upside potential is tremendous, and it's probably necessary to make you worth a damn.

So much is in your attitude. You may feel that you are drifting and making no progress by trying to come out of your shell and broaden and better yourself, but the work itself is making you a far better person. And finding what you don't want to do and why, and who you are not, helps lay a strong foundation for the next stages of your development. It helps you lay out the rest of your life and become a better person who enjoys it more.

[leehrat]

yeah i can relate OP, i don't care much (read: at all) for small talk either. i really have a lot of problems with this. i do well with women bc i'm tall/have nice body/intelligent, etc. (can get away with no small talk) but have had trouble making friends with other guys over the past year. it might be an isolated thing (new environment, trying to meet new people), but it's something i'm looking to correct.

maybe it's the personality? i'm an INTJ and feel I take a hit socially because of it. people have described me as "aloof" for as long as i can remember (dating back to LL baseball @ 6 y.o.) and i don't try to be that way at all.

i guess i don't have much to add to this-just know you're not alone. and don't drink solely to cope with your issues, that's poor advice.

[SixT4]

OP - http://doubleyourdating.com/0/DeepInnerGame/index.asp

If you can't afford it, "acquire" it using the vast resources of the electronic world... if you know what I mean.

Or just get therapy. But that would be more expensive.

[Triumph36]

wow, blarg - that's a really excellent post.

[Janis N.]

This will be tl;dr.

I used to be very shy until I switched schools at age 16 and decided to "reinvent" myself (I had read some self-help books, etc.).

I made it a point to talk to many people/chicks/etc. and I gradually got better at it.

That carried on for a while until I realized I had been pretending and I don't really care about most of the topics discussed and don't care much for most of these people.

Now I'm again not a very talkative guy about most the topics the other people discuss... I don't own a TV set (waste of time). I don't follow current events that much (again I just don't care). I don't have anybody to talk deep spiritual/emo stuff with as I think a lot of those things are fairly clear or clearly unclear so there isn't much point in discussing that.

I have a few close friends with whom I really like talking, but making new ones is a problem as most people just don't impress myself enough for me to try to leave my best impression on them.

Not sure how that helps the OP though... perhaps basically my point is that if you practice you will at least be able to pretend to be sociable. Just practice enough. I used to make a point to start a conversation with every neighbor on the plane or any new friend my friends would have, and so forth. It sort of worked (yes we had conversations, people though I was funny/sociable/etc.) and sort of didn't (as now I no longer do this).

[Predator314]

I was somewhat in the same boat. Hobbies helped me out tremendously. I started shooting pool and became good friends with the people in various pool halls. I started bowling and now I'm good friends with people from the bowling alleys around town.

I just kinda had to force myself to talk to people. I'm still an introvert, but not nearly what I used to be. If I could find a way to look past all the idiots in the human race, I think I'd do much better. As it stands now, I pretty much dislike most human beings because they usually do [censored] that annoys me like driving bad, talking on cell phones in restaraunts, not disciplining their kids, etc, etc.

[NHFunkii]

I haven't read replies, but...
most people don't have a lot of interesting things to say, but they don't care / notice because they're not depressed.

[Blarg]

Yeah being interesting is probably overrated. Being friendly and easy to be around probably gets most people a lot further, plus add outgoing to it. Most people love it when someone else is filling the silence and thinking up stuff for everyone to do, so they don't have to do any work or take any risks or blame.

[Popinjay]

Someone once quoted a Harvey Danger song to me that I find very relevant to this thread about life: "If you're bored, then you're boring."

[Blarg]

That's always been my way of looking at it. The world is far too varied to be bored by it without being ridiculously lazy.