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#81
10-09-2007, 11:23 PM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] In fact, I'm not sure anyone can really control their emotions. We say "control your anger" or some such, but what we really mean is don't act on it. [/ QUOTE ] For most people, it is possible to control their emotions to a large degree. Partially through cognitive strategies like reframing and intellectualization... [/ QUOTE ] Different words, same thing I guess. What you describes sounds like the "actions" taken to help deal with the emotions. I still don't see how the emotions themselves are changed. Emotions to me are like the weather. You can't change it. You can deal with it and adapt and keep it from ruining your day, but you're not going to change the weather. 
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#82
10-09-2007, 11:57 PM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
In other words....You cannot control your emotions, but you can keep your emotions from controlling you.
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#83
10-10-2007, 12:01 AM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
The trouble (for me anyway) are situations I can't avoid. A wife's good friend that hangs out and clearly likes me (as a friend) or a coworker I need to interact closely and frequently. It's not that I'd cheat, I'm pretty disciplined. It's that I don't want to feel that attraction for someone I can't have. It's sort of painful in a way to have affection for someone, but be unable to express it. [/ QUOTE ] In the first example you give, the wife's good friend who likes you, I agree that the situation would be uncomfortable. I would rather make my own close friends than inherit one from my significant other. That's just a bit too cozy for me. I can't say I understand your feelings in the second paragraph that I quoted. For you it's painful to have affection for someone and not be able to express it. But for me, having feelings for someone is actually very nice and it doesn't scare me off or worry me. I'm fine with things never getting physical or going to that next level. In fact I dig it. I'm typically reticent to express my feelings anyway, for fear it will ruin a friendship (well not to mention a cool relationship that I'm in [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]). But I have to admit I enjoy having feelings of affection for other people. It's sort of my personality. Just goes to show how different all of us are. I get energized by good conversation and getting to know someone of the opposite sex. Every now and then I'll stumble across someone who has a very strong energy and great connection with me. (It doesn't happen all that often either, but when it does it's really fun.) I wouldn't call this kind of thing an emotional affair but I can see where someone might call it an emotional high. Men are just cool.
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#84
10-10-2007, 12:05 AM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] In fact, I'm not sure anyone can really control their emotions. We say "control your anger" or some such, but what we really mean is don't act on it. [/ QUOTE ] For most people, it is possible to control their emotions to a large degree. Partially through cognitive strategies like reframing and intellectualization... [/ QUOTE ] Different words, same thing I guess. What you describes sounds like the "actions" taken to help deal with the emotions. I still don't see how the emotions themselves are changed. Emotions to me are like the weather. You can't change it. You can deal with it and adapt and keep it from ruining your day, but you're not going to change the weather. [/ QUOTE ] No; in your metaphor, I'm talking about altering the weather. I play poker for a living, so emotional control is part of my stock-in-trade. I can mostly 'choose' what my emotional response is to an event, and in cases where I can't I can minimize it's severity and change states pretty fast. A lot of this is due to deliberate practise. It occurs to me, if you experience a lot of anger and depression then you may have a seratonin deficiency or similar. If so it may be treatable wih SSRIs.
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#85
10-10-2007, 12:15 AM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
Would you rather have your husband have a single drunken one night stand while on travel for business or be secretly in love with another women? To some people, the second is more damaging because the first is just drunken sex. [/ QUOTE ] Yeah you're right. I would rather he have the single drunken one night stand. If he were to be secretly in love with another woman then it follows he would want to sleep with her. He would be hoping for an affair. And that sounds like a real bummer for me. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]
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#86
10-10-2007, 12:24 AM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] Would you rather have your husband have a single drunken one night stand while on travel for business or be secretly in love with another women? To some people, the second is more damaging because the first is just drunken sex. [/ QUOTE ] Yeah you're right. I would rather he have the single drunken one night stand. If he were to be secretly in love with another woman then it follows he would want to sleep with her. He would be hoping for an affair. And that sounds like a real bummer for me. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] [/ QUOTE ] I read the OP, and this post. This is obviously the correct answer. I could deal with my gf banging some dude. I hope she has a good time, as long as I don't have to see it. If she harbored some secret desire from me, well, that's a relationship ender. Immediately.
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#87
10-10-2007, 12:26 AM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] Would you rather have your husband have a single drunken one night stand while on travel for business or be secretly in love with another women? To some people, the second is more damaging because the first is just drunken sex. [/ QUOTE ] Yeah you're right. I would rather he have the single drunken one night stand. If he were to be secretly in love with another woman then it follows he would want to sleep with her. He would be hoping for an affair. And that sounds like a real bummer for me. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] [/ QUOTE ] I am wondering, do people expect that if they are married to someone for, say, 30 years, that that person will never fall for anyone outside the marriage? I wonder if that's realistic?
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#88
10-10-2007, 12:33 AM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] Would you rather have your husband have a single drunken one night stand while on travel for business or be secretly in love with another women? To some people, the second is more damaging because the first is just drunken sex. [/ QUOTE ] Yeah you're right. I would rather he have the single drunken one night stand. If he were to be secretly in love with another woman then it follows he would want to sleep with her. He would be hoping for an affair. And that sounds like a real bummer for me. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] [/ QUOTE ] I read the OP, and this post. This is obviously the correct answer. I could deal with my gf banging some dude. I hope she has a good time, as long as I don't have to see it. If she harbored some secret desire from me, well, that's a relationship ender. Immediately. [/ QUOTE ] do you really feel this way? your statement seems like you don't care if she bangs other guys while you are in a relationship? this seems very odd to me, unless you have some kind of open relationship understanding or something...
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#89
10-10-2007, 12:54 AM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] The trouble (for me anyway) are situations I can't avoid. A wife's good friend that hangs out and clearly likes me (as a friend) or a coworker I need to interact closely and frequently. It's not that I'd cheat, I'm pretty disciplined. It's that I don't want to feel that attraction for someone I can't have. It's sort of painful in a way to have affection for someone, but be unable to express it. [/ QUOTE ] I can't say I understand your feelings in the second paragraph that I quoted. For you it's painful to have affection for someone and not be able to express it. But for me, having feelings for someone is actually very nice and it doesn't scare me off or worry me. I'm fine with things never getting physical or going to that next level. In fact I dig it. [/ QUOTE ] Well, like you said (though I snipped it), people are different. It's only happened in a couple cases, but I'll be with a female friend I like and find attractive. The sum is greater than it's parts and something will happen, a shared joke, excited about the same band/book/movie, whatever that brings a moment of emotional closeness. In that moment, I'll feel this wave of affection and I'll feel the urge to caress her cheek and kiss her. I think, for me (if an attraction is present anyway) I instinctively want to show my happiness by physical actions that give pleasure. I'm not talking rip your clothes off and do things to make you quiver [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img], though if unchecked (and returned) it could go there. Shutting down that impulse creates that pain. A need to stifle what is, at it's heart, a desire to share something pleasant with someone I enjoy being with. I've always been this way as long as I can remember, consquently I'm particularly careful with which women I'll let myself form an attachment. But people are very, very different. I have a good friend who has a number of female friends, some very attractive and smart. But he's just friends. He doesn't experience/feel things the same way I do. Not wrong or right, just the way people are. We all learn our own boundaries.
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#90
10-10-2007, 12:58 AM
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Re: Emotional Affairs
[ QUOTE ]
I am wondering, do people expect that if they are married to someone for, say, 30 years, that that person will never fall for anyone outside the marriage? I wonder if that's realistic? [/ QUOTE ] Actually falling for another person is a choice. It's not something that just happens to someone like a bolt of lightning. You will never stop meeting people that spark some interest in you...people that have chemistry with you, common interests, or just an infectious quality that appeals in a way that your partner doesn't. There is always a moment (or, actually, a series of moments) when you choose: which is more important to you: your relationship/marriage, or pursuing a closer association with this person. So yes, it is realistic to expect your life partner to avoid entanglements that could damage the bond between the two of you.
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