My Hooker Story

[Rick Nebiolo]

Great story Bruiser.

You deserve to jump beyond hookers. Get cunnilingus lessons from a caring lesbian or take the advice in my former responses to your posts on your patheitc sex life.

If you aren't getting great sex on a regular basis in one or two years I'll be real disappointed.

~ Rick

[mosta]

[ QUOTE ]
This is the story of me and my friend JC and our night getting a hooker. Enjoy.

We flew into Vegas ...

[/ QUOTE ]

Bad start. But not impossible. Easiest way I know of is to walk laps around the Hard Rock (or maybe another cool casino) after 2am. Any hot girls that check you out and seem into you, are professionals (assuming you're not a male god). You're still likely to get worked around on prices and services--but not to a disasterous extent.

[Rabbit B.]

Are you people retarded? Great? Awesome? This is some of the worst writing I’ve ever read.

The poster is propositioning for a site on TuckerMax.com and I had the unfortunate experience of reading this. Here’s a HONEST critique, something that seems to be lacking here.

[ QUOTE ]
We flew into Vegas to go to a pick up artist camp (Juggler method, I'd already been to Mystery). Vegas is a lot of fun, I wanted to pick up girls, JC is a good friend and the idea of him trying to pick up girls is hilarious. He thought I signed both of us up but I just signed myself up so he played poker all weekend (like he always does) and I learned the finer points of how to get girls without paying money.

[/ QUOTE ]

A pick up artist camp? Are you [censored] joking me? I want to punch you already. Half of this paragraph is worthless. None of it is interesting, you might as well said, “Me and JC flew to Vegas. I got gypped out of my money to be ‘taught’ how to pick up girls. I figured that since I had no game, I should buy experience. It apparently helps me later on when I buy a hooker.”

[ QUOTE ]
Sunday evening the class is over and me and JC are ready to go out on the town, we did some shopping that day. I got some clothes at Ted Baxter where a cute girl helped me get some clothes. JC worked his magic by repeatedly saying how much money we both made playing poker. She totally dug us. Interestingly, she mentioned that Ted Baxter had visited the store and was chauvisnistc, the reason was something like - he put a womens name on the bottom of the shoes they made, so people step on the woman's name every time the walk.

[/ QUOTE ]

Hello spell check. Chauvinistic. Womans.

You got a girl by saying you had lots of money? Oh man, YOU GUYS ARE SMOOOOTH. Not only is this boring, it’s also completely irrelevant to the story. Get rid of everything that doesn’t add to the story or the characters (and yes, when writing you must think of yourself as a character.)

[ QUOTE ]
That night me and JC go to the Ghost Bar, JC is wearing a pink polo shirt (for those of you that don't know him he is Lebanese, dark skinned, a lot of tatoos, he is thinking about piercing his ears for $4,000 diamond earrings, wears tight jeans and hoodie sweatshirts)... and I'm wearing my new diesel jeans, brown loafer shoes and a yellow stripped button shirt. These clothes were expensive, I don't like them they're uncomfortable and I pretty much haven't worn them since. One main point of pick up is that the first girls of the night you approach are always hard there is no way to get around it but plowing through it - at the Ghost Bar we didn't talk to anyone. Instead JC explained to me how 9/11 was a government conspiracy and how we never actually landed on the moon (the flag waves in the video, there is no wind on the moon). Then for the first time in my life I spilt my drink, all over my new expensive clothes.

[/ QUOTE ]

Worthless. You talk about clothes (not interesting) and how your friend believes in conspiracy theories (even less interesting). Good job.

Spell check: tattoos

[ QUOTE ]
However I wasn't so stupid as to forget THE main rule about having fun which is to drink. Me and JC were both drunk by now so we got in a cab and asked to be taken to a place for sex. The cab driver took us to an American massage place which was a little suspect because Asian massage places are sweet, that is a well known fact but what we'd get at an American place is unclear. We both payed $400 each for half an hour and it was pretty clear what we'd get. But it turns out we were wrong because my girl put on latex gloves and started giving me a massage with all my clothes on. I get embarrased talking about sex but after about 20 minutes of this, realizing my time was running out I asked if "we could please have sex now." She explained that they didn't do that there. By the way, the massage with gloves on was just annoying, it irritated my skin. She tried to convince me to go for another half an hour and at that point we could go to the VIP room but since she wouldn't commit verbally to specifically having sex with me I said no. JC had different plans. His plan was to up the ante and pay $500 for VIP room access.

[/ QUOTE ]

The nervousness is the ONLY humanizing thing in this entire story. Why the [censored] do you have all these worthless details? What do you think it adds?

Spell check: paid, embarrassed

[ QUOTE ]
I hung out in the lobby while JC was shown the VIP excercise room which had an treadmill and a bike. After about 15 minutes he came out, we went to the locker room and got ready to go. JC took the key to his locker and threw it behind the lockers, put something in the toilet maybe a bathing suit or a towel and we left. In the parking lot JC unveiled the lock he had stolen too and chucked it at the window. He ran off and I started saying "WTF WTF WTF", then from behind me I heard one of the massive bouncers yelling something and without even looking I bolted off after him really scared. We ran for a while and I tripped and fell in a puddle further ruining my new clothes, only later did I wonder what a puddle was doing in Las Vegas.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, puddles are foreign to Las Vegas. No one has water. It never, ever rains. Genius. Saying “WTF” is also a great component to writing.

Oh wait no, you’re an idiot.

Spell check: exercise

[ QUOTE ]
Since we're poker pros and this was just money, we were still not to be deterred. We got a cab and immeadiately asked to be taken to hookers. He said he knew a massage place, we told him what had just happened and in his black person accent explained "yo dude, i'm not gonna [censored] wit ya, for $400 you can get your [censored] on here, no lie." The first cab driver was Lebanese, him and JC had built up some repoire so it was a bit surprising that he ruined our [censored] like that. This guy was promising to our face we'd have sex at the next place so we went with it and ended up right down the street from our first place.

[/ QUOTE ]

He’s black, and has a black accent. Blew my [censored] mind there. Dumb.

Spell check: immediately, I’m, and what the [censored] is repoire?

Actually, I’m stopping here, the rest isn’t worth editing. You’re not funny and you can’t write a funny story.

[pergesu]

[ QUOTE ]
The poster is propositioning for a site on TuckerMax.com and I had the unfortunate experience of reading this.

[/ QUOTE ]
Can I be on tuckermax.com?

[Rabbit B.]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
The poster is propositioning for a site on TuckerMax.com and I had the unfortunate experience of reading this.

[/ QUOTE ]
Can I be on tuckermax.com?

[/ QUOTE ]

No. Not only is your voice unoriginal (Ask yourself what seperates you from the pack. Do you have an interesting background? An interesting job? A odd outlook?), but your story is also a complete lie. If you knew anything about human anatomy you'd know that when you get an erection and having it stimulated, your dick is sterilized and you're unable to piss unless the stimulation stops and you concentrate on pissing. So, again, no.

[pergesu]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
The poster is propositioning for a site on TuckerMax.com and I had the unfortunate experience of reading this.

[/ QUOTE ]
Can I be on tuckermax.com?

[/ QUOTE ]

No. Not only is your voice unoriginal (Ask yourself what seperates you from the pack. Do you have an interesting background? An interesting job? A odd outlook?), but your story is also a complete lie. If you knew anything about human anatomy you'd know that when you get an erection and having it stimulated, your dick is sterilized and you're unable to piss unless the stimulation stops and you concentrate on pissing. So, again, no.

[/ QUOTE ]
hrm. bummer. Well, good luck with your site [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Rabbit B.]

Not my site, I'm just a poster on the messageboard. He made a public application (which you're not supposed to do) so I had a "chance" to read it. I just wanted to commentate on his story since it's so atrocious and he thought it was great. Believing in your story is fine, but all he got was false hope here.

http://www.rudiusmedia.com/ is where you apply, by the way.

[Lazy Meatball]

Rabbit B,

I understand where you are coming from,, but you are missing the key element that this is a bruiser story. You can't just waltz in here with no background and start telling all of us who appreciate how awesome this story is that it sucks. I hope one day you will understand.

[Rabbit B.]

[ QUOTE ]
Rabbit B,

I understand where you are coming from,, but you are missing the key element that this is a bruiser story. You can't just waltz in here with no background and start telling all of us who appreciate how awesome this story is that it sucks. I hope one day you will understand.

[/ QUOTE ]

While seniority will always be held in favorable light, in this case it doesn't matter. Is it better than most on this board? It shouldn't matter, the best of the worst doesn't make it good. If you disagree with any critique I have, let me know.

[britspin]

[ QUOTE ]


While seniority will always be held in favorable light, in this case it doesn't matter. Is it better than most on this board? It shouldn't matter, the best of the worst doesn't make it good. If you disagree with any critique I have, let me know.

[/ QUOTE ]

OK,. I disagree with your critique because you are clearly a nitpicking idiot with all the charm and good humour of an anally violated grizzly bear.

You have a massively overinflated sense of your own brilliance as a literary critic. Let me explain a few small things to you.

1. Extra detail is not a bad thing in writing. This is because first person description can build the readers understanding of both setting and the narrative voice of the author. Would rainman write differently to tarzan or einstein? Of course. Is Proust's descriptiveness of a biscuit kind of important to his story, yeah, kinda.

If you can make it interesting, can use it to build atmosphere or to develop character you can go on for pages about the smallest detail.

2. You don't seem to understand humour, only exposition. Man goes to Vegas to pick up hookers and fails- that could be funny. Man goes to vegas to attend pick up academy, than fails to sleep with hooker? Hilarious.

3. Two words. Unreliable Narrator.

I'll stop now, because your critique was so woeful it hurts me to go further.