|
|
#71
11-25-2006, 10:55 AM
|
|||
|
|||
Re: BBV and Poetry
Here's the word from the man:
"It's OK enough, nice chimes all the way through, good to read aloud when you find the rhythm. I thought the "and" at the start of line 8 was superfluous and made the line more prosaic than a comma at the end of line 7 would have. i.e. charted the heights of the Black Hills, measured the rocks of Mt. Rainier. but that's my personal taste for concision. Towards the end (and i don't know if this is deliberate) the nice image of the silk blouse continues what appears to be a paean to beauty and puts one in mind of breasts (maybe) so the close follow up of "Mediterranean sunken chests" might be a playful reference to other women with no breasts or simply a miscalculation. It distracted me anyway. I found personally that phrase detracted from the paean but I can see that, if it is intended as I thought it might be, as an amusing counterweight to a wonderfully filled blouse, that it might raise a laugh at a live reading. Echoes of Neruda throughout. Should be translated into Spanish. And, yes, of course the ending is problematic, a kind of beauty and the beast image is evoked in that." (Being a professional, he has charged me 50c for his opinion, but I'll eat this as a lesson learned. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] ) 
|
|
#74
11-25-2006, 12:04 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: BBV and Poetry
[ QUOTE ]
Brag, Beat, Variance At its best without much sense, bastard haikuments. [/ QUOTE ] This could very well be the best thing i've ever read on 2p2.
|
|
#75
11-25-2006, 12:14 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: BBV and Poetry
[ QUOTE ]
Having just read ur poem, still go for it.... ....but ur poem is terrible. theres just nothing there.... [/ QUOTE ] I think he's trying to say it has style but lacks substance. There is visual imagery galore, but the bottom line is, 'yo gurl ur hawt and i wanna secks u down,' and nothing more. For what it's worth, it's decent, meh. It might just be a personal preference, ur hawt/i wanna secks u poems have always bored me to tears. So you're attracted to a chick, ok, I bet you like to eat food when you're hungry too, right? That said, if the creative process helps you deal with strife, that's great.
|
|
#76
11-25-2006, 01:43 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: BBV and Poetry
Mike, Thanks for the word. Who's your friend? Is he a poet I've heard of? I assume he must edit a journal or something. His assessment is pretty much dead on, although I disagree about the ending. I see your point, but will wait beore I revise it. The Neruda thing made me laugh as I was reading Neruda a lot the week before I wrote this, looking for a suitable poem for a friend's wedding. I 'm not sure how this poem would fare in Spanish as it will lose most of its music and as has been pointed out the theme isn't real deep. It would depend greatly on the skill of the translator. I have had a few poems translated and published in other languages and it is a perplexing experience, but cool in its own way. All in all I'm happy with it for what it is. I appreciate the effort since qualified (honest) feedback is hard to find.
|
|
#77
11-25-2006, 02:02 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: BBV and Poetry
[ QUOTE ]
I appreciate the effort since qualified (honest) feedback is hard to find. [/ QUOTE ] YO CAN I GET A WUT WUT I AINT POSTING FOR MY HEALTH HERE
|
|
#78
11-25-2006, 02:42 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: BBV and Poetry
[ QUOTE ]
seriously! A gringo lecturing me on English...lol (im only saying this becuase i have nothing smart to say) [/ QUOTE ] LOOK AT HIM HES A [censored]! HES A [censored]! HES A [censored]!
|
|
#80
11-25-2006, 03:06 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: BBV and Poetry
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] I appreciate the effort since qualified (honest) feedback is hard to find. [/ QUOTE ] YO CAN I GET A WUT WUT I AINT POSTING FOR MY HEALTH HERE [/ QUOTE ] WUT WUT? Not sure exactly what you want, $.50 maybe? BTW, given that you aren't part of the target audience, it is probably apropo that 'Girl, I wanna secks up poems' bore U. I would also disagree that the poem lacks substance, it has a very clear theme (I wanna secks u up), it aint deep or profound, but wasn't intended to be.
|
 |
|
|
Linear Mode
