I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it

[The Yugoslavian]

You have to tackle this both internally and externally, [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img].

Most people are focusing on external things for you to do. That's great but much of the advice is somewhat simplistic (go out more...have an interest). This is all awesome advice. It's good to have a life and you can incorporate people into it once you have one. To do this you really have to GET THE [censored] UP AND GET OUT NOWNOWNOW GOGOGO. It's really simple in theory but only you can get it done in practice.

Equally as important (or IMO more, lol) is taking a hard look at yourself. Not necessarily to be critical, although it's very useful to be able to somewhat accurately evaluate yourself in some ways. I just mean to find out who you are and what it is you want to be *experiencing* with your life....

One great thing to start with is The Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. I read (well, ok listened to) it recently and I can already tell it's going to seriously affect the way I view the world and what I motivate myself towards. This is despite the fact that I feel I've read a lot of similar material in the last year.

Just getting hobbies/activities to pass the time and *fill* up your schedule will definitely make other people think you are exciting and socially skilled. But, you have to truly want these things in your life to be fulfilled....otherwise you're just hopping from one momentary distraction to the next.

How do you feel when you say things are constantly "uncomfortable"? Are you anxious? Apathetic? Mad? Sad? Depressed? Melancholy? Stuck in a malaise?

Yugoslav

[NicksDad1970]

As much as a life coach sounds like a stupid thing I think it would certainly help.

See how much it costs and give it a try.

[Runkmud]

Ok, I haven't read any of the responses, bear that in mind.

If things are as bad as you say in the post, and you're even considering ending it or even just considering continuing a miserable existance. Go nuts, say everything to anyone that's ever come to mind. What do you have to lose? Some people might not like you, which compared to being invisible isn't horrible. Learn to get comfortable in your skin, people will love you or hate you, but anything is better than indifference....what do you have to lose?

Best of luck my friend.

[Vivalution]

I think I have the exact opposite problem. I don't shut up around anyone. Trust me talking too much has its problems too.

[woodguy]

Do two things:

1) Read "How to win friends and influence people"

2) Join Toastmasters


I am naturally outgoing but had a couple of friends who were shy and slightly socially inept join Toastmasters in University and it really helped them.

I have always heard that reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is good too.

Regards,
Wooodguy

[BeL0wMe]

[ QUOTE ]
Do two things:

1) Read "How to win friends and influence people"

2) Join Toastmasters


I am naturally outgoing but had a couple of friends who were shy and slightly socially inept join Toastmasters in University and it really helped them.

I have always heard that reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is good too.

Regards,
Wooodguy

[/ QUOTE ]

What is Toastmasters? And I've read a good bit of how to win friends and influence people and I thought it was a bit hokey, look in someones eyes, repeat their name, repeat what they say etc. Honestly the book that did the single most to change me was The Game actually.

What's kind of sick is the job that I used to do required me to be a brilliant conversationalist. I worked for an oil company doing ROW work, and had to go door to door trying to sell people who didn't want a pipeline an easement. That pretty much forced me to be social and helped a ton. Since then it seems to have gone.

[cocarondelle]

Hobbies are a great start, as wood guy said dale carneygie's book is the nuts.If you put enough work on yourself, it s gonna change your life.

You also want to be active, be good at something, do some sport (even once a week), go out and meet freinds : and above all, you have to build up your self esteem.It is critical.

Do anything you should so you see yourself as an interesting person, and are actually one.

The book is the best start in my opinion.

GL

[PropMike]

This is tldr/emo/and a bit self absorbed, but whatever.

I can relate pretty closely to OP. I am incredibly socially anxious in almost all settings. I have zero small talk and I am not sure why. In group settings I almost always sit on the fringes and chime in from time to time. Even around some close friends I can have difficulty connecting one on one.

What really bothers me is that I don't understand why or how it has become like this. Throughout high school I had a very large group of friends and was well liked. Stupid as it sounds to mention, I was voted as having best sense of humour in my high school year. People generally were interested in what I thought about things and I was happy expressing my opinions. Since then, though (I'm 5 years out of high school) things have gone to [censored]. I just find myself incapable of talking about much, and most of the people I have formed connections with are, if not simple themselves necessarily, interested in simple things. I'm not at all witty. I rarely have deep philosophical/political/whatever discussions with anyone (I studied philosophy and politics at uni, fwiw). I'm not depressed, and I still get by okay, but it's very frustrating.

Anyway, I offer that as context. In my view, or at least in my case, it's not something I think that can be remedied through external things alone. I mean, I've often thought the answer was to go out and get more experiences --> become more interesting, but it's never worked. To the extent that I understand my problem I really feel as though I have disconnected somehow from myself. It's hard to explain. But in conversation, and more generally as well, I feel as though I don't really engage or bring my own perspective to what's in front of me the way I used to. I don't ask the same questions, or spot the interesting consequences of someone's opinion, or work out how to connect with someone's style. Instead, in most conversational settings I just feel kinda confronted. If someone's jokey, I'm anxious about getting their jokes and responding in a jokey way as well. If someone offers an opinion on something, I frantically attempt to comprehend where they're coming from and offer an interesting counter-point or whatever. Instead of rolling with the punches I scramble to react/respond. So basically, social interaction for me is usually somewhat panicked. I get by okay most of the time, but it is very rarely a casual or comfortable experience.

The only times I ever don't feel like this is a couple of hours after I get high (the first couple of hours I'm a wreck). That's when I make flippant observations, rant about the greatness of a band/movie/book, discuss philosophical/political issues that interest me, or quiz someone else about the things that interest them. Anyway, most people have smoked pot and experienced similar things, but my point is that this is when I feel myself in many ways. Pot is a useful catalyst for reenergising my enthusiasm for the things that interest me. In everyday life though, for reasons I'm not sure of, that enthusiasm is missing.

So all this is a roundabout way of saying that for those suggesting OP ask more open ended questions/follow local sports teams/take a trip to europe etc., if his issues with social anxiety are anything like mine it's likely that these tips treat the symptoms and not the cause. To the extent that I understand my problem, it most certainly stems from something internal. It's always good to have things to talk about, but when I come to a conversation with prearranged conversation topics, or a 'strategy' or whatever I invariably feel like I'm running around in circles. It's when I feel confident and engaged in a conversation that it's always more fruitful, and working out how to flip the switch in my mind to make social situations more comfortable is the key.

Anyway, just my perspective on things.

[z28dreams]

[ QUOTE ]

So all this is a roundabout way of saying that for those suggesting OP ask more open ended questions/follow local sports teams/take a trip to europe etc., if his issues with social anxiety are anything like mine it's likely that these tips treat the symptoms and not the cause. To the extent that I understand my problem, it most certainly stems from something internal. It's always good to have things to talk about, but when I come to a conversation with prearranged conversation topics, or a 'strategy' or whatever I invariably feel like I'm running around in circles. It's when I feel confident and engaged in a conversation that it's always more fruitful, and working out how to flip the switch in my mind to make social situations more comfortable is the key.

Anyway, just my perspective on things.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is an incredibly insightful post.

I find that there when I'm uncomfortable or just don't feel like being out that it doesn't matter how many stories I have, or how well I know the person, I'm just not that talkative.

On the other hand, if I'm feeling good about myself, I can [censored] with random strangers for hours about nothing.

Good post.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
This is tldr/emo/and a bit self absorbed, but whatever.

I can relate pretty closely to OP. I am incredibly socially anxious in almost all settings. I have zero small talk and I am not sure why. In group settings I almost always sit on the fringes and chime in from time to time. Even around some close friends I can have difficulty connecting one on one.

What really bothers me is that I don't understand why or how it has become like this. Throughout high school I had a very large group of friends and was well liked. Stupid as it sounds to mention, I was voted as having best sense of humour in my high school year. People generally were interested in what I thought about things and I was happy expressing my opinions. Since then, though (I'm 5 years out of high school) things have gone to [censored]. I just find myself incapable of talking about much, and most of the people I have formed connections with are, if not simple themselves necessarily, interested in simple things. I'm not at all witty. I rarely have deep philosophical/political/whatever discussions with anyone (I studied philosophy and politics at uni, fwiw). I'm not depressed, and I still get by okay, but it's very frustrating.

Anyway, I offer that as context. In my view, or at least in my case, it's not something I think that can be remedied through external things alone. I mean, I've often thought the answer was to go out and get more experiences --> become more interesting, but it's never worked.


[/ QUOTE ]

Too early to judge. You're still a VERY young guy. It absolutely will not hurt to keep plugging at expanding yourself. If nothing else, you're way too young to get set in your ways or think about slowing down. You're barely out of the house, in life terms.

Also, building up to a better self is something that accumulates slowly. Luckily though, it's also inevitable if you keep on working on it. So don't get discouraged if you don't transform overnight or even in a few years to be exactly where you want to be, or even super-close. Life takes time; wisdom takes time; experiences need to unfold. Don't be too hard on yourself while learning and becoming a better person. It's not a quick-fix thing, but in the long run it's extremely rewarding to try.

And you know, even trying makes you a much, much better person. How many other people don't even bother to try? Or reach a certain level and cut off their own growth, almost as if to spite themselves? Just relentlessly trying, in your best humor, accepting yourself for what you are as you put forth your best effort, will put you so much closer to being the person you want to be, even if you feel very far from your goals.

[ QUOTE ]

So all this is a roundabout way of saying that for those suggesting OP ask more open ended questions/follow local sports teams/take a trip to europe etc., if his issues with social anxiety are anything like mine it's likely that these tips treat the symptoms and not the cause.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm not so sure. It sounds like you are not very accepting of yourself, and so feel socially inhibited. And like you have tried to make changes and grow, but feel frustrated that you cannot force the pace. I think you're trying to better yourself in a way that is somewhat artificial, not organic. You don't accept yourself enough now, but you also don't accept the validity of trying to change and recognize the worth of what good things you are bringing to yourself by slow accretion, and what good you have already accomplished, and what foundations you have laid for further growth. It sounds like your lack of faith in your own good work is hurting you, and that you don't accept that laying stronger foundations is slow, unglamorous work. You want growth and maturation to work differently than they do. But they don't, and so you are losing faith in the effort since you cannot tweak and hurry and make more fun the process.

It sounds like you also may be blind to the fact that it is bad experiences and failures, as well as triumphs, that make you a better, more interesting and rounded person. People who have not undergone some significant trauma in life are almost always less interesting, less kind, and less perceptive, because they haven't been truly tested in the real fire of life, and knocked off the pedestal of their self-regard and separation from other people. So while your efforts to expand yourself may seem like you are wasting your time in blind alleys and having a harder life, it isn't in vain. You're finding out what works for you, and why.

Further, what is the opportunity cost of not growing? Stagnation is extremely costly. It's much easier to change when you are in a job, not a career; when you have a girlfriend, not a wife; when you aren't sure what city you want to live in rather than paying off a mortgage. While trying to grow entails risk and almost always has a cost, it's cheaper when you're young and not set in your ways and obligations, the upside potential is tremendous, and it's probably necessary to make you worth a damn.

So much is in your attitude. You may feel that you are drifting and making no progress by trying to come out of your shell and broaden and better yourself, but the work itself is making you a far better person. And finding what you don't want to do and why, and who you are not, helps lay a strong foundation for the next stages of your development. It helps you lay out the rest of your life and become a better person who enjoys it more.