How long to wait before telling your child they're adopted?

[MrTrik]

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My sister however searched after my mother passed away

[/ QUOTE ]Why did she wait to after she passed away? I think your statement says a hell of a lot.

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I apologize. I thought I made it clear, obviously I did not. After my mother had passed my sister realized that her children had no grandparents on her side. So she decided that was good enough reason to see if there was a woman or couple out there that would enjoy the idea of having a grandchild. kind of a win-win thing if it worked out.

[Utah]

The fact that adoptees would ever feel that is very sad. They should never be made to feel badly or feel like they are betraying their aparents by seeking out what is most natural and fundamental.

[RED_RAIN]

I am a 23 year adopted twin. I have an adopted older sister not by blood and a younger brother who isn't adopted.

I recently picked up a book called "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew (Paperback) "
by Sherrie Eldridge.

I don't think it's on cue for everyone, but does bring some interesting in sight into adoption from the adoptee perspective and talks about differences in adoption today and what was it 20 years ago.

I read through this thread and I see a lot of things being said from people I think who are just giving their opinion and either aren't adopted or involved with adoption at all. Which is all fine, but take it with a grain of salt.

The ideas of adoption not a miracle, adoptees should feel lucky, everything works out great or bad, all asian adoptees want to look for their biological parents etc are not one way or the other.

My twin would like to look if there was anything left with the agency, for me, I don't really care. My older sister has never cared.

I believe we were told pretty young when we were sat down and talked about it as a family, I believe when my parents judged we were old enough and mature enough. It's always been an open topic which is good. At points in my life I don't think about it (most of the time), but once in awhile I will have a strong reaction or feeling towards something around adoption and it's nice to know I can talk about it with my parents or siblings.

I would be more than happy to talk more about adoption from an adoptee perspective with anyone who wants to or is interested. PM for contact info.

Just remember, read everything with a grain of salt, as this is such a personal experience for each person, no one can talk on behalf of all adoptees.

[Reef]

I voted HS, but I'm drunk, so thats probably the wrong answer.

[Utah]

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Just remember, read everything with a grain of salt, as this is such a personal experience for each person, no one can talk on behalf of all adoptees.

[/ QUOTE ]No, but you can look at statistics and results over a large population to make informed judgements about whether something is good/bad, effective/ineffective, etc.

I think the way adoption is "sold" in this country is a travesty to bparents, aparents, and adoptees. You have groups like the ncfa who literally put out a game plan on how to trick young mothers out of babies, you have laws specifically designed to take away the rights of fathers so it is easier for prospective adoptive parents to steal his baby, you have crazy laws that prevent adoptees from accessing their birth records for the singular reason of protecting the emotions of the aparents, you have agencies lying to aparents telling them that this will be just like having their own babies and thus not preparing them from the inevitable nasty emotions and not preparing them to properly deal with their child, etc. etc. etc.

Essentially, you have nasty groups who have brainwashed society as to what adoption is - the bparents get a normal life back and the pain is very short-term, the aparents will get to experience raising a child just like it was borne of them, and adoptees get a wonderful strong 2-parent family and they will not have any negative thoughts or emotions about being adopted. lies. lies. lies.

Yes, I completely agree that each experience is personal. However, the industry is filled with so much lying and deceit that masses of adoptees, aparents, or bparents cant live their personal experience as they naturally would without all the lying and deception.

I will speak from a bit of personal experience. My gf and I didnt didnt hear from the aparents or our son for about 12 years. We heard from him when he was 12 because he freaked as he realized that he wasnt like his parents either physically or emotionally. They never prepared him at all for being an adoptee. Maybe some adoptees dont need to be prepared - but he did.

[RED_RAIN]

I do feel your personal experience may have tainted your view to look towards the negatives or bad cases that have come up. I'm sorry to hear about that.

[CharlieDontSurf]

My best friend got married and adopted a little girl. The first time the whole "when I was born etc" came up they told her that she was adopted and out of all the little girls in the world they chose her.

It is really [censored] up if you lie and say your kid was your biological child and then at 16(when most kids are [censored] up anyways) they discover you have been lieing to them this whole time and they are adopted.

[Utah]

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I do feel your personal experience may have tainted your view to look towards the negatives or bad cases that have come up. I'm sorry to hear about that.

[/ QUOTE ]Oh, I am defintely one bitter motherf'er when it comes to adoption. But, my personal views are irrelevant. One simply needs to look at the studies, statistics, laws, etc. to see what I say is 100% accurate. Some examples:
1) Do you what a putative father registry is? Do you know how they came about?
2) Recently, the ncfa (national counsel for adoption)trained over 15,000 counselors on how to trick women out of their babies. Do you have any idea what they tell scared mothers to get their babies?
3) Adoptees has higher rates of emotional problems, suicides, etc.
4) 2 million adoptees are searching for their biological parents
5) Adoptees in the majority of states do not have access to their birthrecords. Every time the issue comes up in a state the ncfa sends in a swat team to block the records under the huge lie that the bmoms were promised anonymity
6) When a study was done in NH on this anonymity issue - it was found that almost 100% of bmoms and bdads wanted to be found. Why do you think they want to be found?
7) bmoms suffer huge emotional trauma as a whole from giving up their child and it affects them for the rest of their lives. Study after study shows the effect of adoption on the bmom is way worse than the affect of abortion. Do you know this little fact of lifetime trauma is not mentioned to scared pregnant women - they are told they will get over it quickly.
7) The cost of a baby is $20,000 to $30,000. This is WAY more than the real cost of an adoption transaction. Adoption is a billion dollar industry and babies are sold and aparents are buying another human being. (sick imho)
9) Closed adoption has been shown to be a disaster. So, instead of addressing the real cause of the problem - separating babies from the parents they should be with (in most cases) - the industry comes up with a supposed great new solution - open adoptions!! How wonderful.

One doesnt need to believe me at all and in general I always think one should do their own research. Simply search on the net, read the countless news stories or abuse, neglect, death of adoptees, etc. The information is out there and readily available.