November "I FORGOT MY MANTRA" Low Content chit-chat thread

[daveT]

Do you mean, "lets just NOT go crazy for the first day, at least?"

[Kimbell175113]

Nah, I meant go ahead and unload a few at the beginning so we have something to work with.

But hey, just do whatever you think is optimal. I don't want it to be Kimbell's thread with Kimbell's rules.

[SoloAJ]

Blarg is getting pretty animated about this topic. It is ruining my perception of him as the composed Lounger.

katy, I have no advice, but I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Pretty crummy when people treat other people like that.

[KDawg]

[ QUOTE ]
what do you think of Orlando's suggestion that I email him with a friendly tone?

[/ QUOTE ]


I think the second he threatened you with physical violence, he gave up the right for you to say anything friendly to him. Go straight to your boss and discuss the situation. There is no reason at all that you should have to work in such a situation

[daveT]

I agree with Blarg to take it straight to management. Solo, I have always been under the impression that he hasn't always had good work experiences.

[Blarg]

Yeah, job stuff like this is serious business and I react to it with alarm. I used to be in some places filled with really nutty office politics -- was a union rep even, so I heard and was asked to help mediate even more. At one mediation we had during contract talks, the federal mediator said she had never seen a place where there was so much bad blood between management and labor, and she had been doing this for over 20 years and been to places where people were punching each other and attacking cars.

This stuff is incredibly serious and people can be amazingly spiteful, underhanded, and foolish in offices. I've seen a lot of people really torn up by what goes on, descending into all the popular vices, and in general getting unhinged. People work out a lot of primal conflicts, that may have nothing whatsoever to do with the people they're working with, on the backs of those same, often bewildered people under the pretense of just doing business. The spirit of junior high never really leaves a lot of people, and acting like an adult and a professional is simply out of the skill set of way too many people.

You really have to protect yourself if you get a shark in the pool. Even one is enough to create complete havoc and ruin one employee after the next.

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. Dom and Wookie, what do you think of Orlando's suggestion that I email him with a friendly tone? I'm not sure I will but I wanted to know your thoughts on this idea. Also, today we are speaking to each other just about business stuff. We have remained polite (or "civil" [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]) I have a feeling that this is how it will be from now on which is fine with me. Unfortunately we both depend on each other to get our work done.

[/ QUOTE ]

Katy, what is it you do, anyways?

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]


Wookie is right on. Do not confuse your job with your friendship. The guy is messing with your livlihood by doing this. Don't let it continue.




[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, I agree, I came to the same conclusion on Friday Dom. I just don't understand how a friend can undermine me in such an unprofessional way. It felt like he was messing with me and affecting my ability to work. I was so pissed [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img].

This is something that started as joking around (when he first came to our company he was always talking to me) and over the past year has sort of morphed into something else altogether. Not sure what you call it. Like my friend said today, he is acting like he's my boss but he isn't anywhere close to being my boss or anyone else's for that matter. My other friend (and coworker) thinks it's really bizarre as he only does this with me. She can't figure it out either. She suggested I talk to our boss.

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]


I don't see how her working relationship with him could be much worse anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is what I was thinking too. And thank you for all your advice Blarg. Do we have great 2+2ers in here or what? I'm getting all emotional thinking about what a great group of people we have on this site. You guys (and girls) make me feel so comfortable it's awesome. I guess it's obvious that I prefer talking with strangers on a forum than dealing with my real life. Real life is hard for me.

But I don't know, I'm not the kind of person to go to HR and to start documenting things. For one thing this guy is/was my friend. I could never do that to him or his wife. If he keeps messing with me I will talk to our boss about it because I don't want to lose my job but truthfully I couldn't ever sue a company. That's just not me. I don't like conflict and would be happy if he'd just leave me alone to do my job. I'm pretty content when I'm left alone to do my job.



[ QUOTE ]

I'd stay away from e-mail too. Talking to this guy further, and directly, about this subject is the wrong thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think I agree with you on this. I don't feel like trying to talk to him. Probably because I avoid uncomfortable situations. I'm an avoider and would just as soon give up then pursue a fight.



[ QUOTE ]

Dick around in it and minimize the situation, and you make the situation and the mindset of the initial offender, and everyone he thenceforth influences, permanent. She simply can't afford to play this off lightly and let this attitude toward her become publically acknowledged and acceptable.

[/ QUOTE ]


lol, I do tend to dick around a little too much. How did you know? [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img] Ok, while I acknowledge that you may have a point, I'm hoping there's some middle ground here. I have faith that the other people in my company can tell which one of us is a nutcase and which one is a normal employee. You might be right that I am minimizing the situation, I just don't want to report the guy to HR. I would rather freeze him out and not talk to him.

The thing is, I don't think he is trying to get me fired. I think he's incredibly immature and is acting unprofessionally. He wants to use me as a punching bag, belittle me, don't ask me why. It's pretty weird; I don't know what his problem is. I know you wonder why I thought I had to take it. It's because he befriended me that's why. After we were friends it seemed dumb to make a big issue of his boorish behavior. I thought as friends I had to put up with it. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img] But now that he escalated it I think I'm pretty much done with him. His loss.

I certainly appreciate all of your advice and will think on it some more.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
But I don't know, I'm not the kind of person to go to HR and to start documenting things. For one thing this guy is/was my friend. I could never do that to him or his wife. If he keeps messing with me I will talk to our boss about it because I don't want to lose my job but truthfully I couldn't ever sue a company. That's just not me. I don't like conflict and would be happy if he'd just leave me alone to do my job. I'm pretty content when I'm left alone to do my job.


[/ QUOTE ]

Katie, I feel there are some misguided sentiments here. It is nice that they are positive, but I think you may be sticking your head in the sand to your ultimate regret. Remember, it's not like, especially during my time as a union rep, I haven't seen this kind of thing happen before. You really DO need to stop the ball rolling, and get out of the mindset that you are the one who is the bad guy here.

Katie, you aren't suing a company just by insisting that someone saying he is going to punch you in the face and trying to undermine and publicly humiliate you stop it immediately. You shouldn't let anyone convince you that you are, or that protecting yourself is either bad or unprofessional. Professional, and good, is exactly what it is. You are not the one who needs to be explaining your conduct when you are the one being attacked. That psychological judo that would make you feel otherwise is a problem, not the natural and wholly understandable desire to have bad things stop and have everything return to a professional level.

It is not you who is "doing something like that" to him. He is the one acting out. And HE is the one doing it to himself, thereby. He is so offensive that he has got you in a completely defensive mindset, which makes his victory complete and paves the way for his behavior to continue. It also sets a bad example around the office for how it is possible to treat you and think of you. You do not have to be a bitch-goddess to be someone who is not to be messed with, threatened, or humiliated. You are thinking too in the box about this, relegating it to a defensive matter, when really you have nothing to be defensive about, and the initiative and chance to do the right thing, and rightly so, is actually all on your side.

Also, I would feel terrible if my female friend or relative had so little confidence in herself and sense of her own worth that she felt that people treating her badly were really not so bad and maybe just giving her what she really deserved anyway. It sounds, Katie, like you have perhaps unfortunately entered into a certain comfort zone with being a doormat. That can be a lifelong affliction I would wish on no one.

[ QUOTE ]
I'm an avoider and would just as soon give up then pursue a fight.


[/ QUOTE ]

How one feels inside sometimes has to be separated from how one acts. Especially when one's career and working relationship with others is affected. Don't think this whole thing is only about you and him. It's about you and the company. He is calling you out for your courage and decisiveness and ability to handle tough opposition. These are not merely personal matters, but career issues. This is not just an attack on you personally, but on your job and career. Treat it accordingly. You are kidding yourself if you don't think others are forming opinions about your capability by seeing how you handle this guy. And the important capabilities at work are not about being a nice friend. They are about doing your job and potentially managing people. The latter generally doesn't get assigned to shrinking violets.

By the way, on a more personal note, for this dude anyway, why is this guy's friendship so hot? He humiliates his wife on the phone in a way, even in a way that others can hear it, not privately. He now is doing the same thing to you, and threatening physical violence even. Just what is it about this guy that's so great? How many women do you think he has threatened before, and will in the future?

[ QUOTE ]
Ok, while I acknowledge that you may have a point, I'm hoping there's some middle ground here. I have faith that the other people in my company can tell which one of us is a nutcase and which one is a normal employee. You might be right that I am minimizing the situation, I just don't want to report the guy to HR. I would rather freeze him out and not talk to him.


[/ QUOTE ]

This is a personal response to a professional situation. It is mis-applied here. Giving him the cold shoulder is childish and ineffective and may even come off as petulant and weak. You are faced with a professional matter and need a professional response, not to withdraw from the challenge. Whether you address this as a sulking or petulant chick or as a professional will say a lot about you, and people will be watching.

[ QUOTE ]
The thing is, I don't think he is trying to get me fired. I think he's incredibly immature and is acting unprofessionally.


[/ QUOTE ]

This is not your problem. You would get more value out of ignoring his psychological motivations and responding professionally, and you would be happier too and waste less time. Basically, Who cares? Hint: Your career does. The rest is crap you should jettison.

[ QUOTE ]
But now that he escalated it I think I'm pretty much done with him.


[/ QUOTE ]

Then responding in a professional matter to a work situation should not be a problem. It shouldn't anyway, ever. You have every right to work in a professional environment and be treated accordingly. You certainly don't need to make allowances for people humiliating you and threatening to punch you in the face. It's astonishing to me that you could possibly think you do. Perhaps you're just very naive, but I think it's time to grow up and take charge, and if this situation doesn't compel you to do so, I wonder what possibly could.

Your career demands better of you, at least, than it looks like you're willing to settle for on a personal level. Don't dick around with your own career, no matter how you feel as a person. Just my opinion, but it looks like it's time for you to resolve up a backbone outta somewhere.