Having kids, pros and cons?

[elwoodblues]

First --- there really is something to the whole biological clock thing. It is harder for women to conceive their first child after 30 and the rate of complications with the pregnancy go up significantly after 30.

The biggest CON is that having kids (I have 2 with 2 on the way) is that it drastically changes your life.

The biggest PRO is that having kids drastically changes your life.

They bring a lot of joy, raising kids is one of the few places in your life where you will make a true and profound difference in someone's life, and they can make you a better person. You will learn (much more so that having a spouse) how to truly give of yourself.

[SlackerMcFly]

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I won't let me get pushed into getting a kid if I don't want to have one myself. If push comes to shove, I'd rather give up the relationship than trying to "save" it by having a baby that I don't want.

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Very valid point. Having a baby simply to keep a relationship together is the worst idea ever. Don't confuse manipulation with honest desires and needs.

My wife and I had been happily married for 6 years and together for 10 at the time. This wasn't an attempt to save anything, neither of us had any doubt that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together regardless..

A part of me wanted a child, but not nearly to the extent that my wife was feeling. I was like..... meh.... about the whole idea, she was biologically absorbed by it.

Best "decision" I ever let her make for me.

[Blarg]

I like that people are respecting each other's choices in this thread. Sometimes it doesn't work that way.

[StevieG]

Men Can Be Ready, Too

I can't exactly call it a biological clock, but at some point about 5 or 6 years ago, I was definitely ready for kids (as in, looking forward to it).

Many friends were having kids, career was going well, I knew N wanted them (we had been dating many years at that time, but we were not yet married), and it just felt right. For some reason our apartment building near Harvard Square was full of grad students with young kids, and I would see them and think "we can do that." But I didn't talk to N about it.

Around that time, N said she needed my attention, and told me she was pregnant. This was unplanned. We were using birth control, and we had not talked about starting a family. She was expecting me to fret, but I was thrilled. I gave her a huge smile, gave her a big kiss. She was genuinely surprised, and to an extent so was I. Mentally, I was really ready.

Sadly, she miscarried.

But honestly, I was ready, and we pretty much tried from that point on, getting married about a year later.

Shortly after we married, N conceived again, but it ended in a difficult miscarriage (well into 2nd trimester). I won't claim to be as devastated as N was, but I also got depressed and worried if we would ever manage.

Again, nowhere near as acute for her, but I wanted that kid.

It took a while, but two years later we had a healthy daughter. It feels great.

Long story short I give anecdotal evidence that men can feel the need to have kids, too.

[revots33]

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The real truth is that people who don't have kids really don't know what they are missing. That isn't a negative comment, I mean that very literally. They just don't know.


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This is a great point. Not having kids myself, I can try to "put myself in the shoes" of my friends or my sisters who have kids... but unless it happens to ME I know I'll never know. Not really. Like recently I went to see my niece run in a track meet and she came in first place. It was awesome, and I was so proud of her... but I know my feelings of happiness and pride are like nothing compared to what my sister and brother-in-law must feel.

Sometimes I'll be hanging out with my friends and their kids and think, "this is cool, look at how much fun kids are. They're freaking hysterical sometimes. I can do that." Other times I'll be there when the kid is having a screaming fit or when my married friends are snapping at each other about something to do with their kid, generally looking frazzled like most parents of young kids seem to look, and I think "I'm so glad my wife and I don't have to deal with this craziness!" [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

I appreciate all the great responses... it's obvious that those of you who are parents love being parents, and I think that's awesome. I agree the decision is a personal one and I respect all who are true to themselves regardless of their choice.

[turnipmonster]

interesting thread. neither my wife or I really wants kids, sometimes I think it might be fun but my wife really has no interest whatsoever. my sister has 3 kids, and pretty much all she does is raise the kids. her situation doesn't really seem appealing to either of us, but obviously not everyone's situation is like that.

I would be interested to hear thoughts on home life outside of work, for example how y'all manage any hobbies you may have, etc.

[DrewDevil]

Having kids definitely puts a HUGE dent in your own time and hobbies, especially socializing. My wife and I try to plan one night a MONTH where we can get a sitter or leave the kids with the grands to get a night off.

It sounds a lot tougher than it is, though, because we really can't stand being away from our son for very long. My wife took my son to Houston last weekend on Thursday morning and I went down on Friday night, so it was the longest I had been away from him since he was born (about 36 hours). I was about ready to chew through the steering wheel on the way down because I just couldn't wait to see him again.

And his mother too... we are definitely closer than we were before because of this little guy we made.

My wife and I are going to Vegas for 4 days in August and I really can't wait, as I haven't really had a vacation in 2 years... but I also know it's REALLY going to be hard to be away from my son that long.

Now, there are many downsides... I am doing work I don't much like because it pays well and lets my wife stay home. There are lots of "chores" and errands we both have to do to take care of him. And as I said, he definitely restricts our freedom in a lot of ways.

But it's well worth it, to me.

[KotOD]

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It sounds a lot tougher than it is, though, because we really can't stand being away from our son for very long. My wife took my son to Houston last weekend on Thursday morning and I went down on Friday night, so it was the longest I had been away from him since he was born (about 36 hours). I was about ready to chew through the steering wheel on the way down because I just couldn't wait to see him again.

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Whoa. You're about three months from turning him into a sissymommaboy. Easy back there, suffocater.

[DrewDevil]

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It sounds a lot tougher than it is, though, because we really can't stand being away from our son for very long. My wife took my son to Houston last weekend on Thursday morning and I went down on Friday night, so it was the longest I had been away from him since he was born (about 36 hours). I was about ready to chew through the steering wheel on the way down because I just couldn't wait to see him again.

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Whoa. You're about three months from turning him into a sissymommaboy. Easy back there, suffocater.

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He's seven months old, and I normally get to see him for about an hour a day. WTF?

[Blarg]

Punch him once a day, or he might turn into a hommasekshul.