Ask the 2+2 Ladies Your Questions

[SoloAJ]

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Dude,

'The world' sucks. Marry her. Of course, you don't love her, so you shouldn't / won't, but you should. You follow?

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The problem here might just be that he doesn't realize that what he has is love and is better than "exploring the world." I would agree that it is a terrible reason (generally) to end a healthy relationship just because you want to "go it alone." Seems so silly to me.

[Blarg]

Isn't that proof that it's not a healthy relationship though? Maybe him trying to argue against his own feelings is wrong.

[Anacardo]

Right. The fact is he's made up his mind to do it, so he's gonna. But he'll regret it. Then again, if he stays with her, he'll regret that too. No matter what he does at this point, he'll regret it. It's that kinda deal.

[RayPowers]

DJ,

It may also simply be a personality trait that has nothing to do with your relationship. I suffer from it, so can identify it pretty readily. It has to do with having control over the situation, and a fear of social activity where I lack control. I took a personality test when working for a fortune 300 company and was being "evaluated" for upper management, and this was one of the things they highlighted.

I'm not very social, so when people want me to go do things, my first instinct is to ALWAYS turn them down. However, if it's someone who I actually want to hang out with, I normally try to counter with an offer of my own to get together for something. This way we're meeting on my terms and I feel a lot more comfortable about this situation. This looks like exactly what she is doing.

I want to stress that this is NOT a power play. It's simply a feeling of a lack of control over her situation when you are the one setting up the time, place, etc.

Ray

[plusEVdg]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Dude,

'The world' sucks. Marry her. Of course, you don't love her, so you shouldn't / won't, but you should. You follow?

[/ QUOTE ]

The problem here might just be that he doesn't realize that what he has is love and is better than "exploring the world." I would agree that it is a terrible reason (generally) to end a healthy relationship just because you want to "go it alone." Seems so silly to me.

[/ QUOTE ]

I know that I'm in love, although the relationship isn't exactly healthy - every couple has problems and we have ours. She is very outgoing and likes to party and dance, ect. I wouldn't say I'm not outgoing, but I'm more of a conciencious introvert, I'm not big on the bar scene. My ideal date would be smoking a couple joints, cooking her dinner, watching a movie, followed by the inevitable sex marathon - she is way more impulsive, she'd rather get crunk and dance like an [censored] then stumble towards the bedroom and [censored] for maybe 15 minutes before she passes out. I know I love the girl, we know eachother really well. I'm just not certain we are suited for eachother, and honestly I'm getting a little bit bored with the whole thing. You could say I am coffee and cigarettes while she is speed and vodka.

[VoraciousReader]

plusEV,

I hope you are certain that ending this is what you want. Do you love this girl? I know you said you "love her to death", but in my experience, people usually say that about someone they "care about".

Do you love her in the sense that she is the first person you want to talk to in the morning? When you are upset, is she the person you turn to? Do you wish you could solve all of her problems and never see her hurt? I know you are long distance, but if you go a few days without talking to her, do you miss her? Do you feel lucky to have found her?

If you feel this way about her, you have something very rare and special. I think it is something worth fighting for, and worth trying to work past this feeling. Why can't you see the world WITH her? Also, an important question to ask yourself is: did you feel this way before you started thinking she wanted to marry you? Not being ready for marriage is not the same as not wanting to stay with someone. Also "before she's 30"? That is 10 years away! You might feel very differently in 2017.

If you have questions about what kind of a timetable she has in mind for your relationship, you should ask her. After 3 years you should certainly be able to talk to her about it. Something along the lines of: "You'll be a junior/senior/graduate soon. Where do you see us headed?" You may find out that you are worried for nothing.

All that said, if you are convinced that a breakup is what you want, you should do it. Notice I said a breakup, not "how should you express to her that you want to travel the world alone", and not a break, and not "moving on". Do not kid yourself that you can have it both ways. If you choose to do this, you are ending the relationship. You are choosing to let her go out of your life forever. That is the only way you can think about it. Anything else will be very unfair to both of you. Even if in a year you decide the world sucks and you love her madly, she may be engaged, in love with someone, joined the Peace Corps... Even if she still loves you and wants to take you back, you will be someone that has hurt her deeply, to the core of her being. Your relationship will never be the same, and you would be looking at building a new relationship with her on different terms than the one you have now.

There is no good way to say it. You will probably feel helpless and forget everything you wanted to say the minute you tell her. You'll find yourself wanting to say how much you've enjoyed being with her, etc etc. Don't unless she asks. It doesn't help.

Do it gently, in person, and in private. Allow a lot of hours for it. She will likely break down completely, and chances are you will too. You will both be grieving. It's ok to hold her while she cries if she wants you to. I say this because it will probably seem a little funny to comfort someone that you just hurt. Do it anyway. She also may turn and leave immediately. If she does, let her go.

I tried to think of something else for you to say, but anything I've ever said or had said to me in a breakup has been hugely unsuccessful. There's a good chance she's going to take everything you say the wrong way.

Good luck.

[Anacardo]

VR,

WTF do you know about Choosing Your Own Adventure.

[DavidC]

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I don't want to sound rude, but does someone want to make a condensed version of this thread?

OP, obviously this was a good idea.

--Dave.

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edit: Something like a FAQ? [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img][img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img][img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[katyseagull]

Wow Anacardo, this just seems so disrespectful. Please stop it.

VR took the time to write a really great post to try to help someone out. Either add to the discussion or hold your tongue.

[Anacardo]

Katy,

You need to stop being quite so easily baffled and/or taken aback. It makes for slow going and needless sidetracking, halts, cumbersome explanations, etc.

If you can't manage that, then I suggest you simply move on when you don't understand something.

Cheers,

'Cardo.