Viewing friends for their usefulness

[luckyjimm]

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yah, friends don't say stuff that obviously makes their friends uncomfortable, regardless of what you are doing.

friends also don't throw their help into their friends face as well.

so you trying to nail this girl?

pics please.

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I can't help but think, friends also don't ask friends to do something they could do themselves, either. Maybe that's out of line, but I wonder, if she can write the essay in the first place, why can't she rewrite it?

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I don't think she is capable of writing it herself. She is either too dyslexic, or her English isn't good enough, or she's just too lazy. I don't think she should be on her college course. But the London art colleges seem to allow onto their degree courses foreign students with appallingly bad written English. I guess it's just about money.

[adsman]

This ...

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...and the next morning when I left I also asked her to borrow some money, and said "I don't write essays for coke." I paid the money back later, but she got real mad at me for that, too.

So, yes, I guess I was angle-shooting - I didn't want to write the essay, but I did it for the drugs and to get some cash.

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... and this,


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I think more significant is the fact that she's part of a crowd of Italians I've known a long time who are routinely generous and help each other out, and I'd like to be a part of that without seeming like someone who makes a big deal of everything he does and is keeping track of what he gets in return.

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... do not go together. On the one hand you're keeping track. On the other hand you say that you don't want to keep track. Seems pretty darn clear cut to me.

[luckyjimm]

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Good subject and a tricky one. Many people try to take advantage and ask for favors the likes of which they have not the slightest intention of returning. When people start asking for too many favors now, I cut back on them in my life. There are too many people who are practically professionals at taking advantage.

And some who get extremely creepy and manipulative about it, trying to shame you about it, etc. You don't want your friends looking to shoot angles and get predatory on you. When that happens, the friendship is pretty much over in any real sense.

Hopefully your friend isn't anywhere near that stage. Maybe she was just being a b*tch? Hard to tell without being there. One thing for sure, though, is that she shoulda been hella gracious. First, she should have come to YOU. Second, she should have been on her best manners and very grateful, because you spent hours helping her out in a task most would consider uncomfortable(and depending on your purpose, some would consider unethical). Nagging me in that instance would get me walking right out the door.

But third, why were you harping on her about the drugs? Was it a passive-aggressive payback for her making a chump out of you and having you do her work, or something like that? Was forcing her to hear this some de facto "price" you were charging her for this work?

If you were told to pipe down and thought that was rude, were you "piping up" by being way too loud? If that's the case, couldn't you have lowered your voice and that would have been the end of her griefing you?

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I just have a loud voice. I wanted to talk about the party/drugs since it was just the week before, it was my first time back in that flat.

Before the argument, she had showed me her photos from the party and I showed her the piece I wrote about the party on my blog, without showing her the blog itself. She liked it, except for that I mentioned the drugs.

I'd been paranoid for the second half of the party so wanted someone else's perspective on what it had been like. It's just a normal part of the post-drug experience for me to talk about it with the people I took them with. I think she is from a crowd that has taken a heck of a lot more drugs than I do, though - she used to live in Ibiza, etc - and they don't talk about them.

[luckyjimm]

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This ...

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...and the next morning when I left I also asked her to borrow some money, and said "I don't write essays for coke." I paid the money back later, but she got real mad at me for that, too.

So, yes, I guess I was angle-shooting - I didn't want to write the essay, but I did it for the drugs and to get some cash.

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... and this,


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I think more significant is the fact that she's part of a crowd of Italians I've known a long time who are routinely generous and help each other out, and I'd like to be a part of that without seeming like someone who makes a big deal of everything he does and is keeping track of what he gets in return.

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... do not go together. On the one hand you're keeping track. On the other hand you say that you don't want to keep track. Seems pretty darn clear cut to me.

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Hey, Adsman, you live in Italy so perhaps you have more experience than most about how generous crowds of Italian friends are to each other. It's quite different from what I've experienced amongst English friends, and I've found it a little hard to adjust. But you still have individual relationships with each person in the group, and some you may be happy to help without thought; others you're more weighing it up. This girl obviously fits into the latter category.

[luckyjimm]

I think it comes down to this: when you are an addict, whether to gambling, drugs or alcohol, you use people for what you can get out of them, for how they can help feed your addictions. Recognising this, you should make sure that money, drugs or alcohol have no part in the friendships that really matter to you. Have some people who may be friends but also can always be counted on for a loan, a hit, drink; and others who are, purely and simply, your best friends, and make sure your addiction never touches those friendships.

[adsman]

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Hey, Adsman, you live in Italy so perhaps you have more experience than most about how generous crowds of Italian friends are to each other. It's quite different from what I've experienced amongst English friends, and I've found it a little hard to adjust. But you still have individual relationships with each person in the group, and some you may be happy to help without thought; others you're more weighing it up. This girl obviously fits into the latter category.

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I've found no significant difference between my Italian and Australian friends.

I think the key here is not the fact that they are Italians, but the fact that they are all Italians living in a foreign and expensive city. When that happens people of the same nationality band together for mutual support regardless of what that nationality happens to be.

[luckyjimm]

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Hey, Adsman, you live in Italy so perhaps you have more experience than most about how generous crowds of Italian friends are to each other. It's quite different from what I've experienced amongst English friends, and I've found it a little hard to adjust. But you still have individual relationships with each person in the group, and some you may be happy to help without thought; others you're more weighing it up. This girl obviously fits into the latter category.

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I've found no significant difference between my Italian and Australian friends.

I think the key here is not the fact that they are Italians, but the fact that they are all Italians living in a foreign and expensive city. When that happens people of the same nationality band together for mutual support regardless of what that nationality happens to be.

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Yes, that's it - I think I said this earlier, immigrant communities (even if long-established) look after each other. If someone from back home needs a place to stay, they'll put them up, help them get a job, introduce them to people, etc.

[VoraciousReader]

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This ...

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...and the next morning when I left I also asked her to borrow some money, and said "I don't write essays for coke." I paid the money back later, but she got real mad at me for that, too.

So, yes, I guess I was angle-shooting - I didn't want to write the essay, but I did it for the drugs and to get some cash.

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... and this,


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I think more significant is the fact that she's part of a crowd of Italians I've known a long time who are routinely generous and help each other out, and I'd like to be a part of that without seeming like someone who makes a big deal of everything he does and is keeping track of what he gets in return.

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... do not go together. On the one hand you're keeping track. On the other hand you say that you don't want to keep track. Seems pretty darn clear cut to me.

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See, I read that as OP wants them to do things for him and be generous, but he wants to get credit for what he does.