My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.

[Jeffmet3]

i read it, and i think it was good to write it out.

as cts said, nothing anyone says will make a big difference, but I think it was still good to write it out so that you can come to understand it and make a better decision on your own.

just realize that as [censored] up as your life might seem, you're really doing fine, and you just have to find something to replace your ex in your life.

all of your problems seem to stem from a sort of depression post-breakup. but life goes on, and it could always be worse

[_TKO_]

It takes a little strength to put your thoughts into written words. It takes a lot of strength to subject these words to people you care about. And it takes immeasurable strength to subject yourself to the opinions of complete strangers. With this strength in hand, you are in a state where you can accomplish anything you want.

I can't tell you what it is you should do, but I certainly can tell you that I have complete faith in the fact that you can accomplish it.

[MilkMan]

PITTM,
I read it all - as cts said you actually seem to have a good idea yourself what needs to be done. However you may not be able to "just do it", so I would strongly advise listening to ruken's advice - solid. Best of luck with everything.

[wiper]

i've smoked weed my whole life, only stopping here and there briefly to pass tests...so i'm not one to preach...

to me, you gotta quit. emotions like that are only tripled by smoking. i've been in the same boat, depressed about this or that, smoke a joint by myself, and it only makes me think about things even more.

clear your head out for a month or two. you'd be surprised how clear everything seems when you haven't gotten high in a couple weeks.

[Xylem]

Good post.

I'll only advise you on the dope area as thats where i have the best knowledge.

1st. Dope as we all know f.cks u up in the end. That anxiety and depression is certainly at least slightly due to the psychoses effects of it.

2nd. To quit youll need to actually realise that you dont need weed. You can say you dont but its literally not until your thinking - i dont care if i smoke or not - that youve realised you dont need it.

3rd. In order to do this you NEED to detox.
This is HARD but try it for just a week. Il say again to put perspective on it JUST 1 WEEK! This will seem hard at the time but remember its 1 week for the rest of your life.

4th. After the week im pretty sure your perception of weed dependance will change.
When i used this method i admit i tried it for 5weeks, but by the 5th week my own body was making me happy enough without drugs... And i didnt want to break my 'sucess' so kept off it till about 8 weeks where i just thought i can take it or leave it, a nice treat but definetly a bad habit.

5. Please try this im 100% sure it will help.
Remember just 1 week.

[JackAll]

I've recently been through something similar with regards to a chick. Shortly before we split, I was having some serious issues. I was always fairly emotionally stable enough to never really lose it. Then when I just felt like things were going to hell and that it was all my fault (even though it wasn't), I just felt like I couldn't handle life anymore. This just got worse and worse. I didn't have a breakdown, but I guess this is the direction of what it would be like. I just couldn't really deal with anything. Small problems seemed so huge and everything just seemed so overwhelming that I couldn't deal with anything. After we split, all the other problems (probably similar to how you mentioned your weight, as well as things that I can deal with in a week or a month or 3 months like non-urgent money issues) seemed to be so unimportant again.

I'm still kinda on life tilt (people don't really get what that means when they use the phrase). I just kinda quit everything after breaking up. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I spent most of my spare time with her when we were together and didn't have time for other things, so steadily stopped doing lots of stuff. Then when it all went to hell, not only was I severely depressed, but I had nothing left in my life. And no motivation to do anything because everything seems so pointless in the greater scheme of things when you aren't with the person who you feel is the point of existence.

I am also the type who prefers a few close friends rather than lots of friends who are not so close. I have (or rather had) a few close friends here. One very close one moved away a couple of months ago and will be back in 3 months. Another very close one is 6 hrs drive away, but comes down every couple of weeks, but that's about it. Another is a good person but not quite as close. One other one moved away too. So I'm also in the same boat with regards to being quite isolated.

Anway, I did find that she obv didn't have the same feelings as I did because she met someone so soon after. This hurt like a kick in the nuts that lasted for hours on end for chunks of most days, but also helped me be really angry at her for lying about saying she cared which led to me allowing myself to care for her so deeply. Until I heard about this I really couldn't do anything. I guess I don't do much yet (still don't go out hardly ever), but I am moving towards a dull emptyness that I had before I was with her instead of the intense pain of thinking I ruined my possibly only chance to be really happy.



I guess if I was to give any advice, it would be that I think what you really need first is to sort things out with your woman. This really made me emotional. I suspect your anger is due to relationship issues. I would suggest meeting up with her and asking her blatantly if she cares for you enough to commit to being with you through problems. It will be horrible if the answer is no, but you need to find this out. Until then you will continue to be an emotional wreck. I just can't see how it can improve until you have the peace of mind of knowing that she will try to make things work when it gets tough. While I never tried drugs other than alcohol, I suspect that your anger is related primarily to this emotional situation than to drugs. Obv I can't comment on the drugs though. Once you get something with your woman sorted, you will see that everything else is not as overwhelming as it seems right now.




[ QUOTE ]
Here is why i feel like i have been a horrible boyfriend:

-i allowed myself to start doing drugs again which made my love show through less than it should have

[/ QUOTE ]

This is normal man. It hurts so much that just about anything that makes it stop is a completely understandable. Don't be hard on yourself for this. Obv it is bad for YOU, but has no bearing on being a bad bf.

[ QUOTE ]
-i got lazy and allowed myself to get fat. the girl i love deserves better and i am now going to work my ass off to get back into the shape i once was in.

[/ QUOTE ]

This has nothing to do with anything. If the relationship was real on her side then this means nothing. But often we don't really know exactly how the other person feels, and we are totally oblivious to this while we are high as a kite in love. Really - being fat is a non-issue.

[NoMeansYes_]

Sometimes its better to get things out of your head and write them, or talk to someone about them. You pretty much answered all of your questions in your OP and if you read through what you have written then you will probably understand more clearly what you have to do.

Try starting a journal so your thoughts aren't always in your head, because the difference between writing what goes on in your head and just thinking it is huge.

[MightyA6]

I read the OP and all your posts in the thread but nothing else.

Okay, so the truth is that I hate f***ing hobby-psychiatrists and therefore I hate myself at this point, but I somehow feel that I can relate to you in some manner. Not because I have ever been crazy in love like you are now, so I skip out that part, but everything else.
My two cent of worth:

1. The poker thing. Quit it for now! Remember that you have been winning, and think of that instead of fighting for a stupid donkament win. Be proud of the fact that you are winning, and you play poker better then 90-99% of the players out there.
Maybe you'll get back to poker later.. in a year or something.

2. The weed. Just because I hate it so much, I say it again: I hate f***ing hobby-psychiatrists and therefore I hate myself at this point, but anyways I'll type something down.
So I think that you should see someone for this, because they know what they are doing, no matter what you think. But ask yourself if it's really because you need the weed or because it has become a habit of yours to be smoking when you come home? The thing is that before I go to bed I need to have a glass of milk or cocacola or orange juice. I need to have it between my bed and drink a little before I go to sleep, I also have to watch some kind of tv-show on my computer while lying down. If I don't do this, I feel insecure and have a hard time falling asleep. Doing this really helps me get a routine, it feels like my body knows that "now I can take it cool and relax".
So I think that you maybe should find something instead of the weed to make you feel secure in where you're at? I must admit, I do a lot of crazy stuff without thinking about it, but if I do, I realize that they are all habits that I do to make myself feel good. So think about it one minute, what makes you feel relaxed, apart from your weed?

[sonneti]

Lay off the weed, I stopped 3 weeks ago after 7 years of getting wasted everyday. The benefits are starting to shine through. I won't write out a whole tl;dr post but smoking all the time frys your brains.

[chopstick]

I read the entire thing and all of the replies up until now.

ruken said pretty much what I was planning on saying. Please follow that advice. You need help, and fortunately you are in a position where you can get it.

The only thing I want to add to ruken's advice is that you should also look up your local Narcotics Anonymous meetings and start going to them. You will be in the company of other people who have experiential understanding of what you have gone through and are going through, and that kind of support is something that money cannot buy.

You might also want to call up the gf, point her to this thread, and explain to her that you are in the process of improving yourself and getting to where you want to be, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Let her know how much you love her, and be direct with her about all of this, and your intentions.

Best of luck to you.