Mitch Hedberg

[Passaman]

I'm pretty good at tennis, but I'll never be as good as a wall. That MF'er is relentless.

[Piece of Cake]

On the topic of tennis -

Pringles is a laid back company, they were going to make tennis balls, but when a truck of potatoes showed up instead of rubber they said: "[censored] it, cut 'em up".

[MortalWombat]

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

Everytime I go to a craft fair I see a jar of jelly beans that says "Guess how many jelly beans are in the jar, and you win a prize?" C'mon man, let me just have some. I tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

[Ontario_Tory]

If you know Mitch's stuff, reading the jokes is just as good as hearing him... His delivery comes out in my head just fine...

My favourite:

"I love rice. It's perfect for those times when you're hungry, and feel like having two thousand of something."

[Georgia Avenue]

[ QUOTE ]
I was actually at his last show, he looked terrible and was acting very cracked out. He was trying out a bunch of new material, a lot of which was pretty bad, and he had a notepad and was making fun of himself and his jokes and writing down which ones worked and which random improvisations were funny. At the end when he was taking questions someone asked him if he was on drugs right then, and he laughed it off. A few days later he died after missing his next show.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sounds like every mitch show I ever saw!


Oh and:

"Everytime I go to a craft fair I see a jar of jelly beans that says 'Guess how many jelly beans are in the jar, and you win a prize?' C'mon man, let me just haaave some. I tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right."

[Maple Leafs]

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of em.

[nath]

"See, alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it Otto, you have lupus.' One of those does not sound right."

[T-God]

[ QUOTE ]
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable"

[/ QUOTE ]
My favorite one along with:
"THAT TREE IS REALLY FAR AWAY!"

[Passaman]

Again, on the topic of foosball:

Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I never played it because I can't do a backflip, much less three of them simultaneously, right next to two other guys who look exactly like me.

[F1shRapeMe]

I got tarter so i got some tarter control toothpaste... i still got tarter but that [censored] is under control