I need advice on achieving my goals wrt sexual intercourse

[jkamowitz]

Dear Madnack, I understand your troubles and have four words of advice: Don't worry about it. When my friends ask how I get/got/will get girls I tell them I dont know. Honestly, I never have a plan or a system or a line. First, what year are you? Honestly your situation sounds a little similar to mine.

I am currently a senior however entering college I was semi-experienced, as I had a 3-year relationship in high school, and a few things here and there but generally felt like I was out of my league. I wasn't into going to the bars, I suck at beer pong, and my interests (poker, religion, science, etc.) varied a lot from other people's. However, I found that if I could get a girl alone, take her out to dinner, and just talk to her, she would quickly realize that while going and meeting guys at bars is easy it is not fulfilling. Slowly I learned as I got older, that the most rewarding sex is not with some hot chick you picked up at a bar but with a girl who is intimate with you and you likewise with her.

My suggestion therefore is thus, let it go. Stop trying to get laid and start trying to find people with like interests. Look in your classes, ask a girl afterwards about something she said during class that you found interesting. Might sound cheesy but this way you at least get to talk with her about somethign you're interested in.

You sound like a nice, smart guy with a sense of self-deprecating humor. Talk about where you want to go and what you want to be. Every girl likes a guy who knows himself and it's important to project that confidence.

I hope everything works out.

I'll leave you with an anecdote about my housemate:
He plays acoustic guitar rather well and performs weekly at a caberet. It is quite obvious that his one intention is to pick up girls. A few weeks ago, a girl sent him a message on facebook after his show saying that she would love to hang out with him, and that she was not looking for a relationship only a good time. She came over, they banged and she left. He immediately came into my room to tell me about his conquest. He didn't seem happy only proud and when I asked if they were oging to start hanging out he didnt have much to say.

The other night she cancelled on him and it tore him to shreds.

Please, dont' be this guy.

Sure a lot of meaningless sex happens in college but dont' think that it has to be meaningless, you'll be a lot happier finding someone who pleases you mentally as well as physically.

good luck.

ps. dont mention the hot-or-not thing.

[Propertarian]

Despite protests to the contrary, "being yourself" isn't working (although it probably will work at some point on occasion).

Two words 1. "confidence"
2. "agression"

1. Feign it until you have it. Honestly, most women find men who are positive about themselves more attractive. In fact, most women find men who are positive in general more attractive.

2. First off, eliminate the negative connotations of this word. What I'm talking about here is "making the first move" (and the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th), preferably WITHOUT them knowing that you are doing it i.e. talking to and persuing women in a way that is intended to get in their pants without being obvious about it.

Women very rarely act agressively in this area with people who are not their boyfriend already; when they have some kind of sexual interest in you they will touch you a little bit in a way that probably seems minimally sexually to you, or make some ambigous remarks that could mean !?,amongst other coy actions.

e.g. Don't say "wanna make out?" simply try to get into a situation where it would make some sense to start kissing them and do then try and go for the kiss.

[Rick Nebiolo]

This post reminds me just how good 2+2 can be even for off topic stuff . Great post/advice!

~ Rick

[hmkpoker]

[ QUOTE ]

SSRI's are the rave now, (Paxil specifically for what you describe). I'd give that a shot before Kava or MAOI's...I took it for a couple months after I had an issue with panic attacks, social anxiety, and death grieving. I was outgoing to begin with, but this helped me get through it.
CBT has also quite helpful at keeping panic attacks in check. Basically, recognizing the symptoms as they are increasing, breathing, and saying "Dude, chill the [censored] out."

[/ QUOTE ]

DO NOT TAKE PAXIL. You will not be able to orgasm, and will probably have trouble maintaining an erection. SSRI use kills your dopamine levels, and that's the last thing you need.

There's only one drug you should be using: good ol' mary jane. Go buy an ounce of good stuff. Now, not only do you have pot, but you are also that cool guy with good pot. Everyone, guys and girls, loves that guy with pot. Have a nice room to chill in. You can invite people over to come and smoke a joint and chill. Your new social connections will win you friends, and will attract stoner chicks (which is EXACTLY what you want, since they're unmotivated, laid back, horny, and reasonably easy to put up with. And they like pot!)

[Popinjay]

Work out everyday. Seriously, you say you are marginally ugly, with dudes it doesn't matter as long as you are ripped. We have it SO much easier than women in so many aspects, but especially this. If a girl is ugly, she can't do much unless she can pay for very expensive plastic surgery. Dudes to look good all you have to do is work out.

Also, before you try to get with any chick, learn to be happy in your life all the time. Not just when you are jerking off the 64-sided die, but when you are out around people. If you can be a happy fellow then social interaction is easy.

[Popinjay]

[ QUOTE ]
Dear Madnack, I understand your troubles and have four words of advice: Don't worry about it. When my friends ask how I get/got/will get girls I tell them I dont know. Honestly, I never have a plan or a system or a line. First, what year are you? Honestly your situation sounds a little similar to mine.

I am currently a senior however entering college I was semi-experienced, as I had a 3-year relationship in high school, and a few things here and there but generally felt like I was out of my league. I wasn't into going to the bars, I suck at beer pong, and my interests (poker, religion, science, etc.) varied a lot from other people's. However, I found that if I could get a girl alone, take her out to dinner, and just talk to her, she would quickly realize that while going and meeting guys at bars is easy it is not fulfilling. Slowly I learned as I got older, that the most rewarding sex is not with some hot chick you picked up at a bar but with a girl who is intimate with you and you likewise with her.

My suggestion therefore is thus, let it go. Stop trying to get laid and start trying to find people with like interests. Look in your classes, ask a girl afterwards about something she said during class that you found interesting. Might sound cheesy but this way you at least get to talk with her about somethign you're interested in.

You sound like a nice, smart guy with a sense of self-deprecating humor. Talk about where you want to go and what you want to be. Every girl likes a guy who knows himself and it's important to project that confidence.

I hope everything works out.

I'll leave you with an anecdote about my housemate:
He plays acoustic guitar rather well and performs weekly at a caberet. It is quite obvious that his one intention is to pick up girls. A few weeks ago, a girl sent him a message on facebook after his show saying that she would love to hang out with him, and that she was not looking for a relationship only a good time. She came over, they banged and she left. He immediately came into my room to tell me about his conquest. He didn't seem happy only proud and when I asked if they were oging to start hanging out he didnt have much to say.

The other night she cancelled on him and it tore him to shreds.

Please, dont' be this guy.

Sure a lot of meaningless sex happens in college but dont' think that it has to be meaningless, you'll be a lot happier finding someone who pleases you mentally as well as physically.

good luck.

ps. dont mention the hot-or-not thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

QFT. Why do we both have two stars? F the man.

[xwillience]

booze is the universal lubricant. it makes everything less akward. when its your first time its always nice, but at the same time... you dont want you first time to be some blurry drunken lack-of-a-memory.

everyone has given solid advice so far. i dont necessarily agree with waiting till your in a relationship unless its for religious reasons though. just be patient, dont look like a total slob, be funny, and most importantly dont be desperate. just go with it and it will eventually happen.

[hmkpoker]

[ QUOTE ]

Work out everyday. Seriously, you say you are marginally ugly, with dudes it doesn't matter as long as you are ripped. We have it SO much easier than women in so many aspects, but especially this. If a girl is ugly, she can't do much unless she can pay for very expensive plastic surgery. Dudes to look good all you have to do is work out.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is ridiculous. Facial attractiveness and personality are paramount in guys. Being in good shape helps too, but it's not as important. Guys really overestimate the value of being pumped and buff; having massive pecs is cool in high school, but in the real world you're a bitch to anyone with a bigger paycheck. Being buff is more about intimidating other guys than attracting women, just like women starve themselves into unattractive thinness to intimidate other girls.

[jah7_fsu1]

I'm a college student and the ease of getting laid in college is over-rated. I'm in a relationship now, but before that I had many one night stands and the like, and it's never really EASY. Just because she's in college doesn't mean she is going to have sex with anyone out there. Sure exceptions happen to every rule, but a lot of good looking guys in college don't get laid by 4 different girls every week. The MAJORITY of women aren't going to sleep with you just because you are both in higher education.

My advice, which mainly has questions for you. First off get some money. I don't know your situation and you haven't explained it. But why are you poor? You can get many student loans, you can work, you can play online poker and make good money, etc. A lot of the things you need to do for yourself will require money. You need to have some money just to do some of the things which will help yourself get women. I'm not saying you have to get rich so women will want you, but how many women want a guy who doesn't have the money to buy them a drink or take them out? Your only likely to "remain broke" if that's what you want to do.

After that,


1. Start working on your physical appearance. Get a good haircut, keep yourself clean with facial products, etc. Look into over the counter teeth whitening products as a great smile is crucial.

2. Start working out (the key for most women is to get "toned" and not huge.) Sure it's not the end all, but we're not looking for pumped and buff as the poster above me stated. Think great physical shape...not huge, but it needs to be apparent you work out. It's not that hard, a great place to start looking at is www.t-nation.com I used to be a personal trainer and have spoken at fitness conferences. Just not something I'm interested in doing now, but I still know tons about the subject so PM me if you want.

3. Quit being so negative about yourself. How many girls want to sleep with a guy who says he's marginally ugly? Confidence is the key, start thinking your the hottest guy around and girls should kill to get with you. Now keep thinking that until you actually believe it.

4. FIND FRIENDS- Because it will help you get laid and who doesn't want friends. Why don't you have many friends? How can you change this? I'm not in one, but it might be worth looking into to joining a fraternity. Sure they get a bad rap and usually for good reason most of the time, but it is a ticket to numerous friends and numerous opportunities to score with chicks.

I have more advice, but I'd like you to answer some of those questions.

Good luck!

[madnak]

Fair request.

[ QUOTE ]
But why are you poor?

[/ QUOTE ]

Because work and school at the same time is too much right now.

[ QUOTE ]
You can get many student loans, you can work,

[/ QUOTE ]

I may have to take out loans, but I don't like the idea. I'm not too impatient and I can get money from my mother if necessary. I figure once I get through this semester I'll be able to get a decent part-time job. I'm getting As in all my classes and I don't see that changing - a high GPA supposedly opens doors in terms of scholarships and low-level academic jobs (tutoring, etc).

[ QUOTE ]
you can play online poker and make good money, etc.

[/ QUOTE ]

Not any more. But that's off the subject.

[ QUOTE ]
A lot of the things you need to do for yourself will require money. You need to have some money just to do some of the things which will help yourself get women. I'm not saying you have to get rich so women will want you, but how many women want a guy who doesn't have the money to buy them a drink or take them out? Your only likely to "remain broke" if that's what you want to do.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't know how many women want a guy who doesn't "take them out." I won't treat a woman regardless - even if it did increase my chances here, which I don't think it will. I'm very sensitive about being walked all over, and being a money pot doesn't mesh well with my self-image. Also I don't see why I should be paying for a girl before anything happens.

Of course, I'll need to cover my own side of things, and pay cover fees etc, so the money is a clear issue. If I had enough money - prostitutes, dating seminars, matchmakers, I'd be doing great. So I'm looking to minimize the "money bleed." I recognize that I'll have to do some spending.

[ QUOTE ]
1. Start working on your physical appearance. Get a good haircut, keep yourself clean with facial products, etc. Look into over the counter teeth whitening products as a great smile is crucial.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, the smile's always going to be goofy. I already use whitening toothpaste, and my pimples seem to finally be getting the hint. The hair is an issue I'm working on.

[ QUOTE ]
2. Start working out (the key for most women is to get "toned" and not huge.) Sure it's not the end all, but we're not looking for pumped and buff as the poster above me stated. Think great physical shape...not huge, but it needs to be apparent you work out. It's not that hard, a great place to start looking at is www.t-nation.com I used to be a personal trainer and have spoken at fitness conferences. Just not something I'm interested in doing now, but I still know tons about the subject so PM me if you want.

[/ QUOTE ]

The school gym is probably cheap or even free, so I'll want to do this. I'm thinking of a strategy of bench presses, squats, and dead lifts along with abdominal exercises and daily stretching.

[ QUOTE ]
3. Quit being so negative about yourself. How many girls want to sleep with a guy who says he's marginally ugly? Confidence is the key, start thinking your the hottest guy around and girls should kill to get with you. Now keep thinking that until you actually believe it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't lie to myself. Not even for sex.

[ QUOTE ]
4. FIND FRIENDS- Because it will help you get laid and who doesn't want friends. Why don't you have many friends?

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't know. I've been in New York for a couple years and I'm not sure exactly what I was supposed to do - but I definitely didn't do it. I'm hoping college will make it easier.

[ QUOTE ]
How can you change this?

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't know. So far my approach is just to talk to random people. It doesn't seem to be working well, but I'm not sure how the process typically works. There are people whose names I know now, whom I say hi to if I happen to see them, or whom I talk to in class. Not really sure where to go from there.

[ QUOTE ]
I'm not in one, but it might be worth looking into to joining a fraternity. Sure they get a bad rap and usually for good reason most of the time, but it is a ticket to numerous friends and numerous opportunities to score with chicks.

[/ QUOTE ]

Probably sound advice for many people, but given that I go to a multiracial commuter college I don't know that there's a "frat life" to speak of. I'll do some looking at see what kinds of frats exist for CCNY.