College prank, need your help

[intensity]

Warning: Everything below is very childish.

I have currently an UCI student and I have waged war with one of my suitemates. Although we are in amicable relations and this is all in good fun, I will love to get him back hard for what he did. He put posters of me sleeping in a rather embarrassing position with the title "MEAT SALE" and list of services I provide. These posters can be found in my school cafeteria, bathrooms and so on. This has resulted in much ridicule from many different people.

As a response, I have bought Visine and have been telling everyone that I will put it in his food. This serves two purposes:

1. Have him paranoid and check everything he eats and drinks.

and more importantly

2. Distract him from my real plan of action.

Basically, I have a CP on my side (CPs have very slight authority but still hold some power) and I'm going to ask her to be in on it. I will tell my friend that she confronted me about the posters (it has my name) and about the cruel material posted on campus. I will tell him I slipped and gave up his name and that he will be probably be serving some sort of community services. I will ask her to confront him the next day with a contract outlining which rules he has broken and the consequences (8-10 hours of community service). Upon signing it, she will assign him trash duty next day (this punishment is very common in our school). He will most likely comply and I will be there to take pictures. These pictures will be used to make posters to advertise his trash-picking services that will be posted all around the school.I will bring all the people in my hall to point and laugh at him when he is picking trash and reveal that everything was a prank.

What I need from you guys is an official looking letter from UCI (complete with logos). The letter has to outline the rules he broke (these can be made up) and the matching consequences (5-8 hours of picking up trash. It doesn't matter how long). Now, as you can see from this post, my grammar is horrible and there would be no way anything I write, sound professional. So I need someone smart to construct this letter for me (I have seen the brilliant bait letters for those Nigerians scammers). I will pay whomever constructs the best looking letter $30 for your services.

Cliff notes: I will pay $30 for a professional looking letter. If interested please read above.