How the Dids Stole Christmas, Pt. 1: Expulsion

[BowToYourSensei]

few people have gone from borderline acceptable to forum pariah as many times as i have, and being as how i seemed to have wandered back into the latter, i figure i should try to dig myself out with my apology to dids, in photoshop story form.

so, in returning to the premise that brought us such greats as the biographies of vegasnick, grimstarr and gildwulf, i present to you "How the Dids Stole Christmas."



Burton David "Dids" Harrison was your typical forum moderator: albino, spiteful, and a lust for power that would make Hitler look Swiss. But deep inside, Dids carried with him the burden of failed expectations and resentment at all that is joyous, for you see, on this December 22nd, Dids looked back on the life that was supposed to be and felt a rage that not even his jug of ham nog (egg nog blended with an entire pig) could cure.



When Dids was but a wee 6 year old boy, his parents shipped him off to a boarding school up north for him to commence his studies.



Dids excelled in his studies, but was a social outcast. Almost every day he would get picked on the local gang, The Saints, a group of neighborhood toughs led by young Nicholas “St. Nick” Claus. Some of the pranks were cruel, like when the Saints used Dids’ own boomerangs against him…



Some were a bit more tolerable…



Then one day, Dids believed his life was about to change when the headmaster of the school, Santa, made a very important announcement.



Everyone, including Professor Snape, knew that this would be Dids. Dids felt recharged with a new sense of purpose, finally happy, knowing his life was so close to finally having meaning.

For the next 3 months, Dids would only do 2 things: Eat gingerbread doused in caramel sauce and mayonnaise, and study for the exam. It was unsightly.



Until finally he had simply become…



When the test was finally finished, Dids was as confident as could be with his work



Young St. Nick however, was not as confident



Nick offered to take Dids’ exam to the front for him. Dids should have known that if a mortal enemy offers to do something kind for you, it’s usually a tarp. However, the naïve child thanked Nick for his kind gesture that enabled Dids to sit in his desk and eat a whole celebratory cheesecake.



Dids’ exam made its way to Santa, who was not pleased.



Not only did Nick’s high marks get him the title of Santa Nicholas Claus, or Santa Claus for short, but Dids’ answers were so appalling that the former Santa banished him from the North Pole, never to return again, and resigned to a fate worse than death itself: life in Washington State.

Remembering the story and remembering that in 3 days, Santa Claus, usurper of Dids’ rightful position was to be spreading joy around the world, Dids threw down his ham nog and reached an important conclusion…