Vegas TR: Budget Ballin' 8/19-8/21 (Harrah's, IP, Casino Royale)

[Tigerpiper]

[ QUOTE ]
This is a new word for me. Can someone tell me was the dictionary definition of "balla" is?

[/ QUOTE ]

Balla is your left nut. Ballb is your right.

[Scorcho]

Addendum to the second installment:

Drunk Alfonso Soriano fan in the Yankee hat at one point asked me if I shave my arms (I don't, I just don't have a lot of hair on my arms and the hair I do have is really light) and then commented that he's jealous since he's so hairy and that I should "like, be an arm model or something". I don't think I've ever felt so uncomfortable in my life.

[StevieG]

[ QUOTE ]
Addendum to the second installment:

Drunk Alfonso Soriano fan in the Yankee hat at one point asked me if I shave my arms (I don't, I just don't have a lot of hair on my arms and the hair I do have is really light) and then commented that he's jealous since he's so hairy and that I should "like, be an arm model or something". I don't think I've ever felt so uncomfortable in my life.

[/ QUOTE ]

This might have salvaged even a poor trip report.

As it is, <font color="red">cherry</font> on top.

[DrNo888]

Waiting!

[terrapin314]

[ QUOTE ]
Waiting!

[/ QUOTE ]

[augie_]

IP sure is a dump, isn't it

[Javanewt]

I love the IP. It's a greasy spoon of vegas casinos, but it's not a dump.

[Scorcho]

TR (3 of 3) coming this afternoon once work slows down. Sorry!

[HeroInBlack]

Moving up to 3/6 to chase losses is gold.

[Scorcho]

[ QUOTE ]
TR (3 of 3) coming this afternoon once work slows down. Sorry!

[/ QUOTE ]

As promised -- Monday Night, August 21 / Tuesday Morning, August 22

After several hours of playing in one of the most irritating (player-wise) hold 'em games I've ever played in, we decided it was time to use the last of our Restaurant.com $25 coupons, this time at the Tilted Kilt inside the Rio. After stopping at the Wall of Fame inside Binion's Horseshoe to gawk at the pictures of the most prominent and degenerate gamblers of all time (seriously, it's worth looking at this just to see Scotty Nguyen's picture with his Asian Porno hair style), we made the long voyage to the Rio. I say "long voyage" because Chris "knew the way". Apparently "the way" is winding through the back streets and dead-ends on the other side of I-15. I was half expecting to find an infant selling crack on the corner like Dave Chappelle described on his DVD.

Finally we make it to the Rio and to my surprise, it's actually quite pleasant outside for a change. As a native Oregonian, it's really hard for it to feel pleasant in anything hotter than 65 degrees and overcast. After a brisk walk around what seemed like the biggest swimming pool ever made, we made it inside some backdoor to the Rio and were once again greeted by a sea of neon and bells and whistles. After walking by 3 Chippendales dancers (apparently that's a show or a club there or something) and shoving our friend Geoff towards them as we walked the other way -- yes, we're 12 years old -- we get inside the Tilted Kilt and I am immediately pleased with what I see. Nothing but soon-to-be-strippers (if not already) in amazingly small plaid skirts and white naughty schoolgirl tops. And they bring you beer and food when you ask for it. Modern day utopia. I feel compelled to try stuffing dollar bills in their clothing but manage to withhold. Not enough alcohol in me I guess.

Every time I'm in Vegas, around day two or three I realize that I haven't put one thing that healthy for a person in my body. Thus, I usually try to have one healthy meal. At the Tilted Kilt I went for some grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad. Only problem was the chicken sandwich was so dry that I was sure it was solely responsible for Las Vegas having 5% humidity and the side salad was $5. $5 for a side salad. What the hell is the world coming to?

We didn't stick around the Rio because my friend was driving and thus, wasn't drinking and he wanted to drink. So we headed back to Imperial Palace for some more fantastic $2/4 limit hold them action.

Walking into the poker room with the same staff as the night before was very similar to dealing with a one-night stand when you wake up the next morning. You know you did some sh** you regret and you know they remember it all and you can't help the feeling of shame you have. After slowly removing my tail from my legs, I'm greeted by two dealers as "Mr. Tequila!" and "Mr. Oregon!" and immediately I realize that I was probably more of a jackass than originally thought the night before. I tell both of them of my hangover and promise to be on my best behavior, which, in the grand scheme of things, isn't really saying much. There's a table open that just so happens to have 3 seats open for me, Geoff, and Chris and so we begin our adventure.

Tonight's Milwaukee's Best Featured Table has (in seat order):

1) Some irrelevant middle-aged guy who plays one hand an hour
2) 50-something old man with his wife seated behind him and sweating him as he plays two hands an hour
3) Jabba the hut (enormous, grouchy, nasty old lady with FF fat deposits (breasts?) supported by only a tank top and resting on the rail
4) Guy in a Minnesota hat who bets any time flop brings three cards
5) Old guy in a horrendous yellow sweater
6) 110 pound guy wearing a Houston Texans hat praying that the air conditioning doesn't turn on and blow him over
7) Geoff
8) Chris
9) Aggressive asian lady who likes to raise with any 2 cards higher than 8
10) Yours truly

Immediately after sitting down I notice that it's one of those poker tables where each seat can side bet and basically play 3-card poker on the flop. Fantastic. This game already goes slow enough as it is so I expect this stupid side bet to bring the game to a snail's pace.

Sure enough, I was right. At one point Jabba the Hut starts arguing with the cocktail waitress (she wanted a shot on the rocks and not straight up I guess) while it was her turn to act and ignored everyone on the table yelling at her for TWO MINUTES. She was completely oblivious to it all. However, she was one of those people that continually has to ask how much she can bet even though the rules of the game haven't changed in the three hours she's been there. We like having people like that at our table.

One eventful hand came up when I get A[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img] J[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img] and raisey daisey. At this point, there are at least 5 railbirds standing barely outside the room and watching our high stakes poker action. The flop brings A A 10 and I remain stoic so as not to give off any tells (not like anyone there would even know what a tell is anyway). I end up getting in a raising war with psycho asian lady but know I'm good when the turn brings another Ace, giving me 4 of a kind. For some stupid reason she's still raising me as much as she can and in the end she turns over her ten for a aces full of tens full house. I quickly turn over my quads, scoop a big pot and immediately look to the railbirds behind me for approval, only nobody budges or even cares. WTF, this is the Milwaukee's Best Featured Table, dammit. Then I realize they're not even watching the game but just hanging out. A-holes. Do they not realize the poker greatness that is in their presence? 4 of a kind! You know how often that happens?! If only Alabama Whale was here to tell me.

The game continues onward at a mindnumbingly slow pace and eventually my buddy Chris cannot take the pain anymore -- not even with the free Imperial Palace cookies provided -- and gets up and leaves to go punch himself in the face, I guess. Knowing that I'm on a table full of idiots (and knowing that if I go play anything else, it will cost me hundreds), I continue to sit and play.

Later on, I get Q[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] J[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] under the gun and limp because I'm a fish and this flop's going to have 8 people seeing it anyway. The flop is QT8 so I bet and get raised by psycho asian. I 3-bet because I will not be pushed around. And she caps, basically telling me she has 3 of a kind or a straight or at worst, QT. Either way, I'm way behind. But being a stellar poker player that I am, I decide to catch up by turning another queen and rivering an 8 for a full house. Sure enough, she lets out a sigh and shows me her flopped straight. Sorry baby, your flopping skills cannot compete with my runner-runner full house skills. Keep playing your little 3-card poker game.

Later on the same lady will see me fold King-Ten offsuit under the gun when the cards accidentally flip over when I toss them in. She says, "Wow you're really tight!" and I laugh and say "yeah, I know", all while trying to ignore the painful memories of an intrusive doctor's visit a couple years ago.

After snapping off a few bluffs from Jabba and the Minnesota-guy-who-bets-every-flop, I begin to catch myself falling asleep between hands and decide that I cannot take anymore and call it a night. I rack up, cash out with $50 profit, and as I'm walking out of the poker room I get rickrolled by the in-house stereo system pumping music into the place. For those that don't know what a rickroll is, look at Rick Astley's wikipedia page under the Phenomenon section. At any rate, I am completely fascinated and call Chris (who left earlier) immediately to inform him. Chris hates the song, hates Rick Astley, and hates the whole rickrolling thing -- so much so that I put a Rick Astley ringtone on my phone just to bug him the entire trip. I wake him up, tell him the amazing thing that is happening, get told to go fu** myself, and get hung up on.

Of course, I actually like the song and decide that I can't leave while the song is playing so I stick $20 into a video poker machine and watch it burn as quickly as the song ends. Thanks, Rick.

I remember all the trips gone by and how damaging to my bankroll it is when I try to gamble when I'm exhausted so I decide to be smart for a change and just go to bed.

8 hours later (that's a record nap for me in Vegas, I must be getting old) I wake up and realize that I have only 4 more hours of gambling left in me before I have to catch my flight home. So I go downstairs and lose $100 playing blackjack. Then another $50 playing video poker. But then I play some stupid penny slot machine and hit a bonus for 15 free spins. Then the bonus retriggers SIX times for a total of 105 free spins. $.40 bet turns into $120 profit. Ship it. This will be the only really profitable thing that happens to me the entire trip, sadly.

My buddies finally wake up and check out of the room and we decide to have the most disgusting pizza ever at a place between Harrah's and Casino Royale for lunch. Even thinking about it right now makes me queasy. Afterwards, we piss even more money away at the Casino Royale playing slots and video poker and craps and I call it a trip. Total loss of $850. But I had a good time and I've already made the money back online anyway so who cares.

Other things of note that I failed to mention:

* Big ups to Wells Fargo for keeping me from losing too much money on Sunday by having their entire ATM network shut down completely that night and leaving me penniless (outside of the $100 Geoff lent me) for most of the evening. This probably saved me a couple hundred.

* Unfortunately, we did not see Criss Angel downtown. I was counting on seeing him and throwing my spare change his way. Maybe next time.

* If you see me anywhere near your craps table, play the don't pass line. Trust me. Nobody rolls point-7 quicker than I do.

Thanks for reading. In October I'm headed to Reno for the Nevada/Idaho football game. A trip report (with much more stupid antics since I'll be with 10 friends) will follow then.

Comments &amp; critiques on anything you've read in this thread is always welcome. Even from the haters.