Viewing friends for their usefulness

[luckyjimm]

Oh, I forgot a rather ironic point about her getting mad at me.

The essay she wanted me to rewrite was about how DRUG USE is portrayed in American films.

Shhhh!

[Blarg]

Good subject and a tricky one. Many people try to take advantage and ask for favors the likes of which they have not the slightest intention of returning. When people start asking for too many favors now, I cut back on them in my life. There are too many people who are practically professionals at taking advantage.

And some who get extremely creepy and manipulative about it, trying to shame you about it, etc. You don't want your friends looking to shoot angles and get predatory on you. When that happens, the friendship is pretty much over in any real sense.

Hopefully your friend isn't anywhere near that stage. Maybe she was just being a b*tch? Hard to tell without being there. One thing for sure, though, is that she shoulda been hella gracious. First, she should have come to YOU. Second, she should have been on her best manners and very grateful, because you spent hours helping her out in a task most would consider uncomfortable(and depending on your purpose, some would consider unethical). Nagging me in that instance would get me walking right out the door.

But third, why were you harping on her about the drugs? Was it a passive-aggressive payback for her making a chump out of you and having you do her work, or something like that? Was forcing her to hear this some de facto "price" you were charging her for this work?

If you were told to pipe down and thought that was rude, were you "piping up" by being way too loud? If that's the case, couldn't you have lowered your voice and that would have been the end of her griefing you?

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
yah, friends don't say stuff that obviously makes their friends uncomfortable, regardless of what you are doing.

friends also don't throw their help into their friends face as well.

so you trying to nail this girl?

pics please.

[/ QUOTE ]

I can't help but think, friends also don't ask friends to do something they could do themselves, either. Maybe that's out of line, but I wonder, if she can write the essay in the first place, why can't she rewrite it?

[Blarg]

Really good post.

[ QUOTE ]
the concept of joy is kind of abstract but my best friends in the world make me smile just at the sight of them (kinda fruity comment but its true) and i would travel thousands of miles just to kick it with them on a couch for a weekend. but a lot of people i still associate with i honestly would rather skip an outing just to play online poker...and i think that says a lot.


[/ QUOTE ]

I know what you mean there. Really good friends are cool and good to be around almost no matter what you're doing; you often feel good just being around them, and as soon as you see them, you want to ask them what's up because you actually care how they're doing.

[ QUOTE ]
all that being said, the only time truly helping a friend in need ever really mattered, u find the people that step up arent always the closest friends...


[/ QUOTE ]

That is really true. It can be really surprising, too, sometimes you don't know who is a fair-weather friend and who isn't, because situations just don't come up to test it. Assuming someone is just as likely to regard friendship the way you are yourself is pretty natural, too, and it's emotionally satisfying to live that way. So it can come as a real shock that some people who are really great to be around, and seem to have moral and emotional depth, wouldn't actually lift a finger for anyone else.

It's hard to know who your true friends are, and who will close the curtains and turn out the lights if you ever need a hand. That has made me try to remember to appreciate the people whose quality I do know is top notch, even when times change and they wind up playing less of a role in my life than they once did. Often they are the least spectacular in a lot of ways, sometimes they are screw-ups, or dull, or whatever. Loyalty, love, and friendship come in odd guises. Trying to puzzle it all out and get it straight is quite the lifelong challenge.

[poorolrich]

If one of my friends calls for help I am there, period. No questions asked!!!! Nothing in return expected!!!!!!!!!!!! They are FRIENDS!!!!!! Casual friends maybe not but real friends never never never ask or expect.

[gimmetheloot]

I agree with her man, completely. I help friends when they need it, thats that. I expect the same in return, though am sometimes dissappointed unfortunately.

[banana182]

OP, it's amazing you have friends if you don't understand why she's mad....

[Dale Dough]

WTF? Did she get unreasonably mad or sth?

'blah blah blah crazy party the other night blah blah cocaine'

-'Shh! Please don't say that here, I don't want my neighbors to know about that [censored]!'

'OK sorry my bad. Blah blah blah essay..'

How does this even form into a discussion? How does the word 'house rule' even get mentioned?

[tarheeljks]

agree w/her 100%

[luckyjimm]

Writing/correcting friend's essays feels just like being at work to me. With her, I got the impression she is lazy - so many terrible grammatical error which she tries to excuse with "dyslexia" but to me just seem like she's being careless and not bothering to read through. For example in this latest essay - half of which she'd got another friend to write, in exchange for MDMA - the name of the film director it was about was misspelt the whole way through. I thought she was taking advantage, not putting any effort in herself since she knew I would sort it out.

Another time, I wrote an entire essay for her from scratch in a day, when I knew nothing about the topic beforehand, and she got a 1st for it. She gave me a gram of coke which I snorted while writing the essay - a lot since I only do the stuff a couple of times a year, but with uncontrolled access I just kept going through the night as I was working. And some American banker turned up at one point who was getting an early-morning flight, pulled out a gram, and I did half of that with him on top.

She was asleep a lot of the time, and made no contribution at all to the essay, and the next morning when I left I also asked her to borrow some money, and said "I don't write essays for coke." I paid the money back later, but she got real mad at me for that, too.

So, yes, I guess I was angle-shooting - I didn't want to write the essay, but I did it for the drugs and to get some cash.

I wouldn't class her in my top 10 friends, so I guess I do weigh things up. With a closer friend, I wouldn't be thinking like this.

I think more significant is the fact that she's part of a crowd of Italians I've known a long time who are routinely generous and help each other out, and I'd like to be a part of that without seeming like someone who makes a big deal of everything he does and is keeping track of what he gets in return.