BBV and Poetry

[Mike Haven]

[ QUOTE ]
until they are too wrinkled
and arthritic to roam.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't want to put my words into your mouth, but if I had written something as beautiful as your poem, I wouldn't have left the reader, your potential amore, with future visions, (albeit realistic), of your life together, when you will be old and grizzled, pawing at her with your scratchy hands and breathing the fetid remnants of your evening meal of fried cabbages over her, possibly, still young-looking and smooth-complexioned visage.

I would have said something more charming and enigmatic, yet with a subtle hint of my expertise, perhaps like:

And in the uncharted terrain
from the soft shore
of your forehead
to the warm beach of your feet
these hands wish to wander
like crabs,
searching for the tasty morsels
that nestle in your every crevice.

[ESKiMO-SiCKNE5S]

[ QUOTE ]
Thanks Mike, btw, what don't you like about the last few lines? Seraphim, we're not ignoring you, we're waiting for your meds to kick in.

[/ QUOTE ]

irony ?

[keikiwai]

[ QUOTE ]

And in the uncharted terrain
from the soft shore
of your forehead
to the warm beach of your feet
these hands wish to wander
like crabs,
searching for the tasty morsels
that nestle in your every crevice.

[/ QUOTE ]

A+ for the mention of "crabs" and "crevice" in the same breath. True foreshadowing.

[joel2006]

[ QUOTE ]
I wouldn't have left the reader, your potential amore, with future visions, (albeit realistic), of your life together, when you will be old and grizzled, pawing at her with your scratchy hands

[/ QUOTE ]

LOL. Good point, hadn't thought of it that way. Was just trying to say until I get old. I'll try it out at a reading and see how folks respond.

[nath]

Eh, I appreciate the effort, but something about it seems a little off.
Mike is dead-on of course; ending a romantic poem with "wrinkled and arthritic" is a mood-killer.

[EYEWHITES]

If poker = Job

Waitress = secretary

this poem = sexualharassaments


whos the pro? please tell me its matsouw that could be a brag an a beat

[joel2006]

If I say who the pro is, then some people will know who the waitress is, and that wouldn't be cool, since their relationship may not be common knowledge. But he's well known in AC and doesn't play 80/160 HE.

[paperjam]

Dude, for real when I say this:
Give a poem to a girlfriend who loves you = romantic
Give a poem to a stranger who might hardly recognize your existence if it weren't for the monies you tip her = creepy

[Dudd]

[ QUOTE ]
Dude, for real when I say this:
Give a poem to a girlfriend who loves you = romantic
Give a poem to a stranger who might hardly recognize your existence if it weren't for the monies you tip her = creepy

[/ QUOTE ]

Absolutely, and this is why I'm very sad that the poll isn't a landslide in favor of showing her anyways. The follow up post would have been hilarious.

[BlueEcho]

ok yeah...........i don't recommend this one lol.