Infidelity

[Peter666]

Reading all the responses thus far, I think you will feel much better when you simply realize that your wife is a bad person who made deliberately bad choices, and you are better off without her.

I think your error was letting your marriage run into auto-pilot by not being enough of a challenge for her. You said she claims to be a complacent person and her lover is also complacent, and that challenge was not an issue. But it is clear that she was attracted to a guy who exuded more self confidence than you did. You assumed that fulfilling your material duties as a husband by helping provide the nice house and car etc. is a rational enough reason for sticking with you, and it is. But women aren't rational creatures, they're emotional. So my advice is to focus on rebuilding your own self confidence and keep her out of your mind as much as possible. Don't try to pyschoanalyze all the reasons she cheated.

[slim]

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If she chooses the latter, then I will have to decide then whether I believe she understands what she did and whether she is truly remorseful.

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So your paralyzed until you see how it plays out?

Her father's disowned her.
She has to look at her children every day and know there will be lifetime consequences.
She knows she devastated your life.
She knows she's partly responsible for a 2nd family's break-up.
In between her ears at the end of the day she knows she is a liar and a cheater.

AND SHE DOES NOT CARE!! SHE IS INCAPABLE OF REMORSE!!



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Exactly! She does not care and is not remorseful right now because she is in an addicted state of mind. She actually believes that our children will not be affected by this so long as we don't bad mouth each other in front of them. That tells me she is in an addicted/irrational state of mind and that is one reason I believe what I read about addiction. Her mind is completely skewed. It was not skewed when she chose to have the affair but it is completely out of wack since then.

[KotOD]

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Exactly! She does not care and is not remorseful right now because she is in an addicted state of mind. She actually believes that our children will not be affected by this so long as we don't bad mouth each other in front of them. That tells me she is in an addicted/irrational state of mind and that is one reason I believe what I read about addiction. Her mind is completely skewed. It was not skewed when she chose to have the affair but it is completely out of wack since then.

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How does one make a Bison spotlight?

[slim]

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Reading all the responses thus far, I think you will feel much better when you simply realize that your wife is a bad person who made deliberately bad choices, and you are better off without her.

I think your error was letting your marriage run into auto-pilot by not being enough of a challenge for her. You said she claims to be a complacent person and her lover is also complacent, and that challenge was not an issue. But it is clear that she was attracted to a guy who exuded more self confidence than you did. You assumed that fulfilling your material duties as a husband by helping provide the nice house and car etc. is a rational enough reason for sticking with you, and it is. But women aren't rational creatures, they're emotional. So my advice is to focus on rebuilding your own self confidence and keep her out of your mind as much as possible. Don't try to pyschoanalyze all the reasons she cheated.

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well thought out and I can't say i disagree.

Please answer me this. If my wife was attracted to her boss, why did it take over 7 years for an affair to happen? 7 years a damn long time especially when you sit side by side 50 hrs a week and go to the same meetings and lunches everyday.

My own theory is this. As our marriage crumbled on autopilot over the years, wife became less happy. Kids were born in Jan 04 and she was on mat leave til Jan 05 so basically didn't interact with anyone other than twins and me and family for a whole year. She gets back to work, she feels less attractive from extra weight, feels elated to see co-workers, feels good to get away from taking care of twins all day everyday, post pregnancy hormonal changes, mediocre marriage made worse by stress of kids and on top of all that her brother diagnosed with cancer in Mar 05................all that made her vulnerable to anything that will make her feel good about herself. She chooses affair which becomes addiction....family destroyed.

[slim]

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Reading all the responses thus far, I think you will feel much better when you simply realize that your wife is a bad person who made deliberately bad choices, and you are better off without her.

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I'm not sure about bad person either.....very weak yes, bad...maybe. Never been bad before though.

[garcia1000]

By the way, did you know that for stepchildren to a marriage, incident of death due to domestic reasons is 480 times more likely compared to blood-related children? I can dig up a reference if you want.

(The reason is similar to how when a lion gets a new lioness as a mate, the first thing the lion does is to kill all of the previous cubs the lioness gave birth to)

[BEP]

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When it dies, she will either stay single, find someone else or try to come back. If she chooses the latter, then I will have to decide then whether I believe she understands what she did and whether she is truly remorseful. If she is, I may have to reconcile for the sake of the kids AND for for a potentially stronger relationship than we ever had. I got sources to show that that is defineitly possible as well.

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This is mind-bogglingly sad.


Your wife disrespected you in the ultimate way and she should have no part in your future (under ANY circumstances) other than being the part-time mother of your children.


Your thoughts now should be 100% with yourself and your children and how to make all three of your lives the best possible. Every second you spend researching your wife's infidelity prolongs your suffering and clutters your already compromised mind.

[Peter666]

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Reading all the responses thus far, I think you will feel much better when you simply realize that your wife is a bad person who made deliberately bad choices, and you are better off without her.

I think your error was letting your marriage run into auto-pilot by not being enough of a challenge for her. You said she claims to be a complacent person and her lover is also complacent, and that challenge was not an issue. But it is clear that she was attracted to a guy who exuded more self confidence than you did. You assumed that fulfilling your material duties as a husband by helping provide the nice house and car etc. is a rational enough reason for sticking with you, and it is. But women aren't rational creatures, they're emotional. So my advice is to focus on rebuilding your own self confidence and keep her out of your mind as much as possible. Don't try to pyschoanalyze all the reasons she cheated.

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well thought out and I can't say i disagree.

Please answer me this. If my wife was attracted to her boss, why did it take over 7 years for an affair to happen? 7 years a damn long time especially when you sit side by side 50 hrs a week and go to the same meetings and lunches everyday.

My own theory is this. As our marriage crumbled on autopilot over the years, wife became less happy. Kids were born in Jan 04 and she was on mat leave til Jan 05 so basically didn't interact with anyone other than twins and me and family for a whole year. She gets back to work, she feels less attractive from extra weight, feels elated to see co-workers, feels good to get away from taking care of twins all day everyday, post pregnancy hormonal changes, mediocre marriage made worse by stress of kids and on top of all that her brother diagnosed with cancer in Mar 05................all that made her vulnerable to anything that will make her feel good about herself. She chooses affair which becomes addiction....family destroyed.

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We can't know for sure, except to say that whatever she wanted at the time was not found in you. But does it matter?? This is what I mean by psychoanalyzing the problem. Whether she did it because she is crazy or evil or misguided or sexually unfulfilled...etc it doesn't matter! Breaking up a family with young children outside of cases of severe abuse is objectively wrong no matter the circumstances.

If you keep dwelling on her rationalizations, you will become addicted yourself to the type of emotions that you claim she may have become addicted too. This will not make you happy.

I think your father in law is dead on by simply disowning her. He is an emotionally disattached man with strong values...and oddly enough, this is what women find themselves attracted too the most! As the history of human nature shows, when your wife wakes up out of her current delusional state with her boss, she will either come to regret what she did and make amends, or she will find some other guy to have delusional feelings over. Either way, it is not in your hands anymore, and you need to move on.

[slim]

Your wife disrespected you in the ultimate way and she should have no part in your future (under ANY circumstances)

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This is what I thought and what MANY MANY other people think until infidelity happens to them , especially when kids are involved. I remember jokingly telling my wife many years ago that I would kick her to the curb is she so much as kissed another man,let alone have sex with another man. But when you build 14 years together and go through many good and bad times together AND when children are involved, everything changes. It is not so easy to break apart a family. I am sure many people have had the same "if u cheat I will cut your balls off " conversations, but when it comes time to act on it, not many stick by their guns from years ago.

[slim]

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By the way, did you know that for stepchildren to a marriage, incident of death due to domestic reasons is 480 times more likely compared to blood-related children? I can dig up a reference if you want.

(The reason is similar to how when a lion gets a new lioness as a mate, the first thing the lion does is to kill all of the previous cubs the lioness gave birth to)

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link?