Viewing friends for their usefulness

[Kaj]

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I had a big argument with an Italian friend last night. I had gone to her flat to rewrite one of her college essays, which required a lot of work. She had a big party the week before when we'd all done lots of drugs. I started a conversation about said drugs, and she got upset because she thought the neighbours could hear. I know from past experience she won't discuss drugs over the telephone or messenger. I thought she was quite rude in how she was telling me to pipe down, and I said remember I've come here to help you and have spent time and money to get here....

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You sound like a total douchebag.

[Kaj]

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Her point was that even if I am there to help, she still has rules in her house and I can't break them just because I'm helping. And to draw attention to my helping her as an excuse for breaking her rules was, for her, out of order.

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And she's absolutely right. You're a piece of work.

[luckyjimm]

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yah, friends don't say stuff that obviously makes their friends uncomfortable, regardless of what you are doing.

friends also don't throw their help into their friends face as well.

so you trying to nail this girl?

pics please.

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No, I'm not looking to nail her at all, under any circumstances. She is mid-30s, really skinny, not at all attractive to me.

[keepitreal]

a bit of a tangent here but on the topic of usefulness of friends:

i think the classification of friend so greatly dictates the exchange of favors/etc.

my best friends-and family (i would say i have 5 friends-excluding family-max in this category) i would do almost anything for and expect nothing in return (this includes even money). a) i would expect the same from them b) they bring pure joy to my life and for that i believe i cannot repay them.

really good friends (maybe another 10 or so) i would also do almost anything for but would sort of keep track if i felt like i was way ahead or behind on the favors side. but it wouldnt bother me too much if it all never evened out.


then there are just friends/good friends. some of which i hang out with and associate with way more than best friends and really good friends just because of location/etc. these are the types of people i probably wouldnt offer up too much of my help but would give it if asked (albeit begrudgingly). but in the grand scheme of things, a) i keep a small network and these people just arent that important to me b) i cant really know if they would do the same for me c) they dont bring that much joy to my life so i feel no need to repay them.

the concept of joy is kind of abstract but my best friends in the world make me smile just at the sight of them (kinda fruity comment but its true) and i would travel thousands of miles just to kick it with them on a couch for a weekend. but a lot of people i still associate with i honestly would rather skip an outing just to play online poker...and i think that says a lot.

all that being said, the only time truly helping a friend in need ever really mattered, u find the people that step up arent always the closest friends...

so yea, it all comes down to levels of friends in my book.

[guids]

[ QUOTE ]
a bit of a tangent here but on the topic of usefulness of friends:

i think the classification of friend so greatly dictates the exchange of favors/etc.

my best friends-and family (i would say i have 5 friends-excluding family-max in this category) i would do almost anything for and expect nothing in return (this includes even money). a) i would expect the same from them b) they bring pure joy to my life and for that i believe i cannot repay them.

really good friends (maybe another 10 or so) i would also do almost anything for but would sort of keep track if i felt like i was way ahead or behind on the favors side. but it wouldnt bother me too much if it all never evened out.


then there are just friends/good friends. some of which i hang out with and associate with way more than best friends and really good friends just because of location/etc. these are the types of people i probably wouldnt offer up too much of my help but would give it if asked (albeit begrudgingly). but in the grand scheme of things, a) i keep a small network and these people just arent that important to me b) i cant really know if they would do the same for me c) they dont bring that much joy to my life so i feel no need to repay them.

the concept of joy is kind of abstract but my best friends in the world make me smile just at the sight of them (kinda fruity comment but its true) and i would travel thousands of miles just to kick it with them on a couch for a weekend. but a lot of people i still associate with i honestly would rather skip an outing just to play online poker...and i think that says a lot.

all that being said, the only time truly helping a friend in need ever really mattered, u find the people that step up arent always the closest friends...

so yea, it all comes down to levels of friends in my book.

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same here.

[luckyjimm]

A brilliant post, Keepitreal. You've got it exactly right. Similarly, there are a half dozen, dozen close friends whose company fills me with joy, and for whom I'd do anything. This girl doesn't quite fall into that category. We've talked a lot and tried to help each other, but things can be prickly between us and we're not that similar. So I guess I *am* keeping account in a way.

[johnnylovescandy]

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No, I'm not looking to nail her at all, under any circumstances. She is mid-30s, really skinny, not at all attractive to me.

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sounds like she needs drug counseling...

[blackize]

So were you just talking in a normal voice or was it a raised voice or even shouting? Either way, if she doesn't want you talking about drugs in her house just drop it.

I agree with her that when you draw attention to the fact that you're doing her a favor it makes it seem as if you're begrudgingly doing so. I agree 100% with her about what true friends do for eachother.

If I help out a friend I'm not keeping track of who owes who a favor unless I'm the only one doing favors. If this comes up and I feel a friend is taking advantage I just tell them that I can't help them.

[traz]

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Her point was that even if I am there to help, she still has rules in her house and I can't break them just because I'm helping. And to draw attention to my helping her as an excuse for breaking her rules was, for her, out of order.

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agree w/ her 100%

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yep. Her house rules and you doing her a favour are completely separate issues and should be treated as such

[Dudd]

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I know from past experience she won't discuss drugs over the telephone or messenger.

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WTF, does she think she's a drug dealer in The Wire or something?