Non-cliched, funny B&M lines you've heard

[private joker]

It makes me happy that so many of these stories involve old men pwning smartass trash-talking kids.

[AKQJ10]

[ QUOTE ]
It makes me happy that so many of these stories involve old men pwning smartass trash-talking kids.

[/ QUOTE ]

[TKWest]

Me too - I hate it when those punks knock over my oxygen bottle and steal my scooter for a joyride

[Matt Flynn]

Old guy pauses a long time during a hand, contemplating a big nl call. Board is all aces and paint. Dealer says, "Sir, it's on you."

Old guy says, "I bid 2 no trump."

[DrewOnTilt]

[ QUOTE ]
It makes me happy that so many of these stories involve old men pwning smartass trash-talking kids.

[/ QUOTE ]

OK so then here's another one!

I get bad beated on the river (don't remember the hand). I flip my cards at the muck. At the same time, the cocktail waitress is delivering my drink, so I turn away from the table to tip her. When I turn my attention back to the table, the young punkassed dealer says to me, "You do that again, I'm gonna take a swing at your ass."

WTF? I had no clue who he was talking to or what he was talking about, but just about everyone at the table said something like "shut up, it was an accident."

I still had no clue what was going on, so someone explained that when I folded my hand, one of the cards caught some air and hit the dealer in the chest. I should have told the floor about the dealer but was too confused by what had happened to really be concerned.

The dealer kept talking smack, until finally - again - a quite old man who had said nothing up to that point chimed in: "Next hand, I'm going to throw my cards at you. You take a swing at me, I promise I'll own this [censored] casino."

Classic. The smartass dealer shut his [censored] mouth after that.

[ImBetterAtGolf]

Thought this was kind of funny, but not very friendly.

Wild, relatively young guy says, "Nice hand sir. <Pause> And by nice hand, I mean nice catch. <Pause> And by sir, I mean moron."

Can't bear to use this one, but I have to admit that it comes to mind from time to time.

[Howard Beale]

Every now and then somebody complains that I don't give action and calls me too tight. My response:

"I'm am tight. It makes me very popular down at the bathhouse."

Feel free to use it if you are secure in your sexuality.

[ChrisConstantine]

What's the address of the bathhouse?

I'm very secure.

[Howard Beale]

[ QUOTE ]
What's the address of the bathhouse?

I'm very secure.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, just for the record: I certainly wouldn't know! It's a joke, you see. Not that there's anything wrong with going to the bathhouse (cough).

[goofball]

Cocktail waittress at the next table is making way way to big of deal about a guy suggestively telling her he has $15000 in his pocket. He clearly struck a nerve. Anyway, she's raising a commotion, the old guy next to me looks over the situation, looks at her, turns to me and says:

"Sounds like about $14999.50 too much"