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#11
11-12-2006, 06:52 PM
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Re: dating girl w/ kid issues
[ QUOTE ]
However, yesterday was the "first meeting" between myself and her son and it quickly became abundantly clear that she has a major problem when it comes to parenting. Her son does not listen to her at all, not for anything and she does nothing to rectify this. [/ QUOTE ] First thing to do is find out if he is always like that, or if it was excessive (i.e., because you were there). Not that this is going to make a big difference. It is a given that an ill-mannered kid is going to resent you taking Daddy's place around the house. And any attempts by her now to discipline him are going to be associated with you in his mind. The only way this will not be a train wreck is if you have little or no contact with the kid for some initial period during which she starts cracking down on his behavior. Then you can come in and support her discipline. 
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#12
11-12-2006, 07:01 PM
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Re: dating girl w/ kid issues
Also 2-3 year-olds are notoriously difficult. In a year and a half, he'll chill and she won't look so bad.
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#14
11-12-2006, 07:09 PM
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Re: dating girl w/ kid issues
Seriously, watch Super Nanny some night by yourself. Then watch Super Nanny with her. It doesn't matter which episode, they're all the same. This is roughly how you have to parent.
People think never telling your kid "no" or disciplining them is a demonstration of love. It isn't. Children need boundaries. I've been married 14 years and have two kids. One of the biggest issues in our marriage is how to parent and discipline our children. If you can't straighten this out now, you're screwed permanently with her and her kid.
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#17
11-12-2006, 07:41 PM
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Re: dating girl w/ kid issues
[ QUOTE ]
Also 2-3 year-olds are notoriously difficult. In a year and a half, he'll chill and she won't look so bad. [/ QUOTE ] Yes, they are difficult but she is handling the situation wrong now which is going to cause problems in the future. She's letting the kid wear the pants. It needs to go like this Mom: "Do / don't do X" Kid responds other than by doing X or says No, etc. Mom: I said do/don't do X there will be Y consequence" (if you can, think in advance of the consequence - or if you haven't thought about it, say you'll think of it later. Kid responds other than by doing X or says No, etc.) Kid responds other than by doing X or says No, etc. Mom: OK, then Y consequence. kid responds with throwing tantrum = ignore tantrum kid responds by finally doing X = "too late now, I said you had to do it and you didn't." and if kid did X earlier, praise and thank you to kid. the key is to 1) be unemotional about the situation 2) establish a consequence for bad behavior. and 3) follow through on the consequences.
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#18
11-12-2006, 07:53 PM
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Re: dating girl w/ kid issues
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] Also 2-3 year-olds are notoriously difficult. In a year and a half, he'll chill and she won't look so bad. [/ QUOTE ] Yes, they are difficult but she is handling the situation wrong now which is going to cause problems in the future. She's letting the kid wear the pants. It needs to go like this [/ QUOTE ] Yes I agree that she's handling the situation wrong, although it's easy to overestimate its effect on the future as an outsider. When I said he will chill, that's because I've seen a couple of cases of out of control 3-year-olds who act more mature at 5. The parents looked like bad parents at 3 but great parents at 5. (I'm not a parent myself, this is just observations) Also, it seems that 3-year-olds are finely tuned machines, optimized for exploiting their parents flaws, whatever they are. I'm just saying cut her a little slack, she's got a tough job and it's hard to 2nd-guess her with certainty as an outsider. Certainly it's not worth breaking up with someone based on one meeting with a 3-year-old.
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#19
11-12-2006, 08:09 PM
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Re: dating girl w/ kid issues
[ QUOTE ]
Seriously, watch Super Nanny some night by yourself. Then watch Super Nanny with her. It doesn't matter which episode, they're all the same. This is roughly how you have to parent. People think never telling your kid "no" or disciplining them is a demonstration of love. It isn't. Children need boundaries. I've been married 14 years and have two kids. One of the biggest issues in our marriage is how to parent and discipline our children. If you can't straighten this out now, you're screwed permanently with her and her kid. [/ QUOTE ] I think that show is horrible and she is horrible with kids. Maybe you need to be like that if the kid is already [censored] up but if you do it right from the beginning there is no need to be mean to your kid.
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