OOT - Help me respond to this girl on Craig's List

[KostnersindaHole]

Ok - So I have a first draft. I am trying to be funny, reference her post, and not creepy. So here it is below. Please note I'm not a good writer, and I really suck at these sorts of things, so please...flame away at me. Any advice/changes I could get would be extremely beneficial.

Thanks,
Kostner


EMAIL BELOW:

Just so we’re clear – no sock puppets on the first date, or no sock puppets period?

I was actually thinking to myself this morning: I hope I meet someone who likes Pete Yorn, foreign films, and cats. Imagine my surprise when I see your post. And by the way, how can someone like a cat more than a person.

I’m 25, and I live in NW DC. I live in a cubicle from 8-5 as well so any complaining to me regarding that will only get reciprocated back to you. Some random [censored] about me: I am one of the 12 people left who still reads for entertainment, as opposed to those who pass the time while on the metro or those trying to look smart. (This is not an exaggeration either. I know a girl who carries around a copy of ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being’ with her so she’ll look smart and get dates) I’ve lived in the DC area for 7 years now, and I haven’t been in most of the museums/memorials/monuments in the city. I have yet to find out if this is strange or not.

I think you’re right – I am starting to like your cat better than you.

Mark

[West]

"I sell my soul away in a cube from 8-5. you should be prepared to listen to me complain about this. A lot."

lol

Tell her foreign films are fine so long as you don't watch any on Sunday. And sign your response:

Flash Gordon
Quarterback
New York Jets

[CappyAA]

I like the first line - that's funny and a good opener. I like the ending that funkymunky suggested. The way you use it, however, is is a little weird. You're trying to set the joke up early, but it just doesn't make sense the way you say it. That would imply that you'd start to not like her, where the only thing you talked about in between is yourself.

Also, that middle section where you talk about yourself is awkward. I understand what you're trying to do, but it just reads strangely to me.

My review:

PROS
- Opening line, don't change it.
- Referencing things in her posts subtlely (cursing, being intelligent, etc.)

CONS
- 2nd section is corny. It's trying too hard to be funny. You want to be funny, but not corny.
- I'm not sure how to change that middle. Someone else can help you with that.
- Obvious references of her posts. Saying Pete Yorn or foreign films is not good. Instead, relate by referencing someone similar to Pete Yorn or a specific foreign film. This way you don't look like you're regurgitating info.

Ok start though - I'm interested to see the final product. This chick is hot too, so I fully expect a trip report if this works out.

Good luck man.

[Bodhisattva]

[ QUOTE ]
Ok - So I have a first draft. I am trying to be funny, reference her post, and not creepy. So here it is below. Please note I'm not a good writer, and I really suck at these sorts of things, so please...flame away at me. Any advice/changes I could get would be extremely beneficial.

Thanks,
Kostner


EMAIL BELOW:

Just so we’re clear – Since you are looking for a man with a sense of humor I am going to make several lame, unnatural attempts at humor. You will probably come away from this thinking of me as a strangler. Also, please post a pic of what you really look like.

Mark

[/ QUOTE ]

[CappyAA]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Ok - So I have a first draft. I am trying to be funny, reference her post, and not creepy. So here it is below. Please note I'm not a good writer, and I really suck at these sorts of things, so please...flame away at me. Any advice/changes I could get would be extremely beneficial.

Thanks,
Kostner


EMAIL BELOW:

Just so we’re clear – Since you are looking for a man with a sense of humor I am going to make several lame, unnatural attempts at humor. You will probably come away from this thinking of me as a strangler. Also, please post a pic of what you really look like.

Mark

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with you on a lot of the forced attempts at being funny, but I really do like the first line. Am I just tired and is it that bad?

[Bodhisattva]

Maybe at the end after a genuine paragraph has been written.

[West]

[ QUOTE ]
And by the way, how can someone like a cat more than a person.


[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
I think you’re right – I am starting to like your cat better than you.


[/ QUOTE ]

If you're going to use that first sentence, end it with a question mark, I think. But I'm not really feeling that closer.

[edfurlong]

Just be a PUA [censored] and tell her she seems annoying and particular, but kinda cute. If she wants to get together for a drink call you etc.

Don't forget a picture of your throbbing member.

[Ditch Digger]

Inside?

[Bodhisattva]

Also mention briefly you love cats too, that you used to work with them. Leave it at that. Naturally her response will include a question asking what capacity you worked with cats. And to this you respond that, though the job could be heartbreaking, people are now blessed with safer thyroid medicine.