Post a stand up 'bit'

[NSchandler]

This is not verbatim. But it's a paraphrase of Doug Stanhope. I'm loath to post it because like so much other stand-up you have to know the comedian to really appreciate it, but it's better than anything by Bill Hicks (which doesn't say much).

"Transvestites though, they make em real good now, it's not just your uncle dressed up in a wig. I mean, they got breast implants, ass implants, lip implants... you don't even have to pretend that you got tricked anymore. The only real question is how much surgery does he have to have before I'm not gay for [censored] him... I mean, even if it were a girl, I'd still try to poon her in the ass anyway, so what's the difference?"

Anyway, may not come across that great in print, but Stanhope is great IMO.

[meep_42]

Standup hardly ever translates to the written format -- it's all about charcater, inflection, timing, and delivery, to which each person will ascribe their own nuance.

-d

[heater]

[ QUOTE ]
The Cast (in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser
A= Arguer (John Cleese)
C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
H= Head Hitter


M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.


(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

[/ QUOTE ]

How many people do you think will actually read all of this? I'm just asking because I'll probably be willing to put money on the under.

[riverboatking]

you know i always thought i was famous. i'm on tv, people recognize me, but i had no idea what famous really is.
famous is when someone can suck your dick and then THEY'RE famous.
suck my dick there's a future in it.

-paraphrased and probably poorly from dave chappelle, killing em softly.
probably one of the best stand up acts of all time. and this bit was money.

[youtalkfunny]

Heard a great line from Carlin on the way home last night (Sirius rules!):

"...now, they're going to get rid of all the toy guns, BUT THEY'RE GOING TO KEEP THE [censored] REAL ONES!!!"

[wet work]

From Robert Schimmel Unprotected.

He sets it up by talking about how he's heard having black crap is really unhealthy. One day realizes his crap is black and gets worried so he calls his father for advice.

Robert "Dad I just took a [censored] and it's black!"

Dad "Oh yea? Well I'm in a meeting at work and you're on the speakerphone..."

[udbrky]

I've been trying to find out who did a bit I saw a couple years ago. He was talking about riding his bike, and slipping and racking himself on the bar, and he says to his friends "I go home now, you keep me bike." Does anyone recognize that? I'd like to see it again.

[youtalkfunny]

[ QUOTE ]
I can't do the bit word for word. But Sam Kinison talking about the absurdity of continuing to haul food to Ethiopia instead of shipping all of them to where the food is. Quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever heard or read in my life.

[/ QUOTE ]

"You see this? You know what this is? That's saaaaaaaand. You can't grow a f***ing thing in it! Come back 100 years from now, you know what's going to be here? F***ing sand!"

[maddog2030]

[ QUOTE ]
Standup hardly ever translates to the written format -- it's all about charcater, inflection, timing, and delivery, to which each person will ascribe their own nuance.

[/ QUOTE ]

While this is generally true that the joke needs all these factors to reach its full potential, the OP's posted bit will not be funny no matter how it is delivered. I have also heard the bit before and it is as terrible as it reads.

[dustybottoms]

[ QUOTE ]
From Robert Schimmel Unprotected.

He sets it up by talking about how he's heard having black crap is really unhealthy. One day realizes his crap is black and gets worried so he calls his father for advice.

Robert "Dad I just took a [censored] and it's black!"

Dad "Oh yea? Well I'm in a meeting at work and you're on the speakerphone..."

[/ QUOTE ]

From the same special:

A neighbor of mine just got these breast implants, and they are SO out of proportion to her body that they are just BEAUTIFUL.