Weighty issue I feel powerless to handle (Longest Post Ever OMG)

[gumpzilla]

Especially in the context of your OOT post, I don't see how this relationship is likely to last long term. It already sounds like she has certain drama queen tendencies (from the OOT thread) - couple that in with a situation where you're the instrument of a profound schism with her family and I see nothing but bad. Will she be resentful if she chooses you over them? Can she ultimately be happy if the break seems permanent (which is more likely with you in the picture)? While I'm not saying you need to break it off now, I think it's a little foolish to expect long-term stability from this, if that's what you think you might be after. EDIT: Yes, she has a problem with her family regardless of your presence. I'm just saying that even though it's not your fault, it seems likely to me that she might start viewing it that way long term, as you'll become part of the problem if her family finds out about you.


I dated a Chinese girl for a few months with similar levels of secrecy; I would be in no hurry to do it again. (Admittedly this was years ago and marriage didn't enter into any equations at all.)

[By-Tor]

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This is not normal for most chinese families and absolutely insane for someone from a modern city like Shanghai .

[/ QUOTE ]

[fmxda]

I think I'm in a unique position to comment on this, being from an Asian-American (and Catholic) family:

To a large extent, yes, many Asian-American parents, religious or not, are controlling and strict regarding any possible spouses of their children.

I really don't think it has to do with your girlfriend having had failed relationships necessarily. Because obviously this 50 year old man is a really really attractive candidate for son-in-law in her mom's eyes, and the practically-arranged marriage (which I've never personally heard of before) is her mom's way of strongly indicating this preference. FWIW I don't think this means May has absolutely no choice in the matter, it just shows her mom's extreme desire for her to marry this guy.

In Mom's eyes, she knows her daughter hasn't agreed to it, she knows her daughter is pretty unhappy with it. I think, though, you are overblowing the golddigging aspect of it. This guy is culturally similar, takes care of her family, and all this means the mom is obviously thinking about her own well-being, as is her prerogative, but I think you are underestimating how much of it is because the Mom probably feels the daughter will truly be happy with this guy.

And it seems likely that her mom is well-aware of the pressure and stress that Boss' monetary gifts put on her daughter's conscience. I'm pretty sure in the view of Mom, it's just another means toward an ideal end; getting her daughter to marry Boss at all costs.

This means you two's (May's and your) line should really be to emphasize how unhappy she will be marrying Boss and how much happier she will be staying with you. The first part means your girlfriend will need to be confident and cool; but I don't see that she neccessarily has to tell her mom that she feels like a "prostitute." Seeing as she wants her parents to be a part of her life always, there's nothing wrong with being a little passive-aggressive at first and telling her mom that she wants to marry someone younger, with more in common with her.

The second part of the line means, yes, you need to tell her parents about you two. I've dated a few Asian-American girls, and you might find it interesting to know that they were initially wary of telling their parents because their parents were Chinese or Protestant and would pre-disapprove of me because I was Korean/Catholic (lol differenceaments). You could probably start by telling the more laid-back dad, and since you guys enjoy what seems to a be great connection, I think it will be easier than you think for May to soften her mom a little bit by revealing some of her genuine feelings about you, and maybe reminding her parents that you guys aren't serious enough to marry (you might have to lie and say "marry ever" here).

Another aspect of her mom's probable thought process you should be aware of is how she feels her daughter cancelling on Boss and having a white boyfriend will appear to her friends, peers, co-workers--practically the general public. I wouldn't underestimate the potential audience an Asian parent imagines regarding matters like these (as well as financial and academic issues). It would be a pretty big blow to the family's image to cancel things with a suitor like that and to essentially "replace" him with you. Since this relationship isn't going to get anywhere without cooperation or at least permissiveness from the parents, you gotta be respectful of this fact and be mindful of her perception of how it will appear to others. Your girlfriend probably has a good grasp on how to smooth things over for her mom personally.

Your ultimate goal is to have a happy, long-term relationship with this girl right? I would really look at your self and your prejudices first: "not a fan of the Catholic church anymore, mostly since she reached the age of reason" "And that guilt – thanks to Catholicism, ahh Catholicism." I don't really know what any of this has to do with Catholicsm, first of all. And, maybe I am thinking a little more long term than you want to, but how do you see yourself things working out in 10 years with this girl, if you guys most likely have differing views on her and her parents' religion?

The sooner you realize these and any other cultural differences are not unreconcilable boundaries and are things you can slowly effect your influence on, the better. You want to win them over persistently, but not alienate them.

Her mom's not evil or backwards, she is just doing whatever it takes to get what she wants for her daughter. You need to do the same, even if it means kissing ass, being constantly respectful, and always being aware of appearances (it will mean all those things).

I hope this helped, good luck man.

[fmxda]

PJ,

I just read your OOT post and your description of your gf physically as well as the way she likes to [censored] with you reminds me of my gf

[mmbt0ne]

I think that had her mother known about you to begin with she wouldn't have tried selling her off to someone else, whether or not she would've approved. The fact that May didn't say anything to begin, or as this situation progressed, or now, should say pretty much all you need.

Either that, or you should get to practicing your Chinese very quickly to impress the family.

[M2d]

PJ, if could be worse. try being japanese and going out with a girl whose family went through the rape of nanking.

fwiw, mom is looking out for her daughter and, by extension, herself. she wants chinese, catholic and rich because this presents the best (in her mind) combination for her daughter, and, as a consequence, for her old age.

of the three, i think the most important is the financially stable one. if you can show that you are or will be able to take care of her daughter, things will be better (not necessarily great, just better). at first, though, you're going to have to go through some screaming matches (you won't be in them, it'll be her and her mother, but she'll probably come to you in tears more than once.

good luck

[7ontheline]

Joker,

I think you're screwed. These cultural boundaries are probably irreconcilable IMO, despite what fmxda thinks. The only way you have a chance is if your girlfriend confronts her mother and breaks the truth to her about how she doesn't want to marry Boss. Your name (or even the fact of your existence) probably shouldn't even enter the picture at this early stage. May has to somehow convince her mother to butt out of her love life. Given your descriptions of her mother (and May) I doubt this will happen (especially if she says she is dating some random white guy). My wife is from a very traditional Chinese family (thankfully not Catholic) and we had problems despite the fact that I am Chinese. (Being from the U.S. was a definite black mark for her family, which is from Indonesia/Singapore.) She is still very attached to her family as well, and her parents are a bit more meddlesome than most. (Nothing like your problem, of course.)

IF somehow May wins this battle with her mother and then IF somehow she is not disowned or something similar then IF somehow her super-traditional/crazy mother is convinced to accept you, the white Jewish dude from L.A., then maybe you have a chance assuming your relationship hasn't been destroyed through this traumatic process. You can probably tell why I am pessimistic about all this. I wish you good luck, seriously. I wouldn't recommend getting your hopes up though. If you make it that far, fxmda's advice about kissing up to the parents, always being available to help, always being respectful, etc. applies.

[miajag]

I don't have much to add other than that I would be on complete life-tilt if I were in your shoes. Good luck with it.

[Kneel B4 Zod]

PJ,

I'm an unselfish guy, but the answer here is pretty simple (based on this and other OOT posts you've made about this girl).

(warning, I'm going to be mean)

She seems unstable or crazy. Her family is way out of touch with their daughters needs. This situation is going to get far worse before it gets better. Get out now, you're sucked in too deep already, and I'm 99% sure this girl is not worth your mental anguish. You are lacking the perspective needed to take the hard and correct path here, it's easier for you mentally to try to be the hero for this near stranger. in this situation, it's not worth it.

good luck.

[Tommy1234]

pj, you didnt say you that you love this girl in your post. Is she 'the one' ?