Emotional Affairs

[gusmahler]

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I wasn't talk about with a guy friend, just in general. If your boyfriend went to a licensed masseuse, are you going to begrudge him that?


[/ QUOTE ]Depends on if you mean an Oriental Massage Parlor.

[Dominic]

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Reverse the scenario viewpoint, with him as the initiator instead of you. He's feeling it, he lets his guard drop and goes to kiss you when you give him a hug goodbye. What do you do? Let him? Freak out? Both?



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(freak out [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img])

I'd be like "Mat, what in the hell do you think you're doing. Get a grip man, for the love of god. Stop clowning around."

(also, I don't hug my friends. I'm pretty uptight. Boundaries man. Boundaries.)

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I'm Italian...I hug everybody...hell, I even give close friends and male relatives a kiss on the cheek if I haven't seen them in a long time.

[bogey1]

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Reverse the scenario viewpoint, with him as the initiator instead of you. He's feeling it, he lets his guard drop and goes to kiss you when you give him a hug goodbye. What do you do? Let him? Freak out? Both?



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(freak out [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img])

I'd be like "Mat, what in the hell do you think you're doing. Get a grip man, for the love of god. Stop clowning around."

(also, I don't hug my friends. I'm pretty uptight. Boundaries man. Boundaries.)

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I'm Italian...I hug everybody...hell, I even give close friends and male relatives a kiss on the cheek if I haven't seen them in a long time.

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YGOS?
Payback [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

[tarheeljks]

i think people tend to overestimate the control they have over their desires/emotions


edit: sorry, not saying you do. i just think lots of people set themselves up for failure assuming they can get out when necessary/spot the problem b/f it happens.

[Blarg]

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Some people have more or less willpower in dealing with it, but constantly supressing a desire can wear on anyone eventually.


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It can also be a source of pleasure, not pain, and strength, if it is integrated fully with your consciousness.
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You learn to rank your desires and act accordingly.
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You prove your congruency with yourself.
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If there is any threat to be found, it's the one you walk around with every day by having an incongruent heart.

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Well, either that's a lot of psych bs or it's way to deep for me. I'm a simple person I guess and I don't think in those terms. I'm aware of myself and that emotions interact in complex ways, but I keep my own thoughts about what I'm feeling fundamentally simple: I like X, I desire Y, I need to behave like this though for myself, my wife, my friend, etc.

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That might be why things can seem complex and threatening to you that aren't really -- because you are flying by the seat of your pants and haven't really made peace with yourself as to who you really are and what you believe. Having your core beliefs in flux renders you vulnerable and makes everything confusing and dangerous.

But you have to have come to some conclusions somewhere along the line. Perhaps they just haven't been ironed out particularly well yet, or you don't want to talk about them. Fair enough, and that can be a life's work, so it's no surprise either way. It's also quite possible for one to be dishonest with himself, in which case there's nothing solid there to conceptually nail into place.

But it's like sports; thinking of things like movement and performance in terms of techniques rather than principles means you are always vulnerable to bad habits and being encumbered in trivialities. Even the things you learn, though they work well for a bit, can be all wrong and just screw things up for you later as you have to unlearn them. Operating from the inside out, with a solid core of understanding, gives you a skeleton key to making all your techniques work, and even lets you improvise and still do things in great form.

That's why I say that it is not some sexy other who is the threat to your marriage -- it's you yourself. Nobody tempts you, just like nobody "makes me feel bad." You choose. The others are stimuli only; it's how you take it that counts. Either you want to remain married, or you don't -- which is it? Not having a solid answer for that is the problem, and what sparks treachery -- not some cute chick whose dress is wrapping her ass particularly tightly that day.

[Blarg]

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i think people tend to overestimate the control they have over their desires/emotions


edit: sorry, not saying you do. i just think lots of people set themselves up for failure assuming they can get out when necessary/spot the problem b/f it happens.

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The question remains whether the gamble is worth taking. To me it seems clear that cutting off friendships with half the human race just because I might be tempted is a real and immediate loss, especially as: a) I've been tempted before gotten over it -- being tempted doesn't scare me; and b) I'm going to be tempted anyway, whether I like it or not. I don't believe not having women friends will do a thing to stop someone from cheating, because saying cheating comes from external circumstance is a pure cop-out and total baloney. Cheating comes from the inside out, not vice-versa.

[bogey1]

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That might be why things can seem complex and threatening to you that aren't really -- because you are flying by the seat of your pants and haven't really made peace with yourself as to who you really are and what you believe.

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Good post (all of it, I just snipped for brevity). I'm not in flux or confused. I'm pretty sure of who I am, what I feel, and how I want to deal with it. I'm at peace with my nature. I also recognize dangers inherent in my nature, or perhaps more correctly, limitations I have due to it.

Just like I've come to terms with some physical limitations (sports injuries have taken their toll), I've come to terms with emotional/mental ones as well. I might regret I have them sometimes (man, I wish I could still compete in sports...), but oh well.

Sorry if I gave the impression of a guy in conflict [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]. Just an interesting topic, largely because so many people have a belief of what's right or acceptable, but rarely examine that belief.

"No, he can't go to a movie with his female friend!". Why? If you said "He can't skydive without a parachute!", well, duh, there's a pretty clear reason why not. But in the case of the movie the reason is often buried in emotion, insecurity, culture, and often these source are even conflicting.

I just find it an interesting exercise to ponder. And, actually, frequently makes me rethink my own position on things because I realize I've reacted at a gut level, not a rational level, on some issues.

[tarheeljks]

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i think people tend to overestimate the control they have over their desires/emotions


edit: sorry, not saying you do. i just think lots of people set themselves up for failure assuming they can get out when necessary/spot the problem b/f it happens.

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The question remains whether the gamble is worth taking. To me it seems clear that cutting off friendships with half the human race just because I might be tempted is a real and immediate loss, especially as: a) I've been tempted before gotten over it -- being tempted doesn't scare me; and b) I'm going to be tempted anyway, whether I like it or not. I don't believe not having women friends will do a thing to stop someone from cheating, because saying cheating comes from external circumstance is a pure cop-out and total baloney. Cheating comes from the inside out, not vice-versa.

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i don't equate not taking the gamble w/severing all connections that could result in temptation

[bernie]

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Massages - Are you crazy?


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What's wrong with a massage?

b

[bogey1]

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Cheating comes from the inside out, not vice-versa.

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Well, it's not quite that simple. Studies have shown impulses are easier to control if you aren't in situations to have to control them. One I recall reading was 2 people were trying to diet (or had a bet, or some such).

One had a plate of cookies next to them. The other didn't. Who do you think slipped up and ate a cookie?

It takes a combination of motive and opporunity for an action to occur.