Emotional Affairs

[Blarg]

I think if you tell anyone, "Hey, her name was Natasha, you will get a free pass and all will be forgiven.

[bogey1]

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It is wrong to think that you can have some innocent close relationship with some cool person of the opposite sex and to believe you can control things. It is a slippery slope and you are playing with fire.

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In general maybe, but not for everyone. My wife had some very close male friends. Maybe they thought about more, but it takes two to tango. My wife thought of them, in a sexual sense, like a "sack of potatos". Just nothing there. Her daughter (now a late teen) is much the same way, having had a very close male friend since about 2nd grade. And they're just friends. Who knows, maybe someday some spark will fire, but you watch them interact and there's no subtext. They're just buds.

It can be completely platonic. I think it's more common for something to spark, but it's not a truism that it has to.

[katyseagull]

I'm still stuck on the friendships where you feel a spark but you absolutely won't act on it. Where you like the person but your circumstances dictate that nothing will ever come of it. I claim you can have a bond without betraying your mate. I guess my point is that these can liven up your humdrum life from time to time without wrecking it.

Am i the only one who thinks this is not only possible but kind of nice? Suppose I met Mat Sklansky (ok i was going to use tarheel or bogey for my illustration but i don't want to make any of our loungers uncomfortable so i've settled on the big guy [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]) and let's say i kind of liked him but I knew for a fact nothing would ever come out of it because he's taken for god's sake (as am i!) and i don't want it to and neither does he. I would be happy just seeing him and chatting with him as he's obviously one cool dude and the excitement of seeing him is far more fun to me than escalating things to another level. Then we would talk a bit and say goodbye and go our own way. And the next time I saw him i'd be all happy because he's one cool dude and he's kind to me and again we'd talk and then go our own way. Where's the harm in this? No emotional affair, just a shared moment of happiness [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]. Is it wrong? Yeah I can tell just typing this up that I'm probably on the wrong track and there is a collective eye rolling going on out there.

I'm pretty [censored] up as you can see, but hell I can't stop now, so to conclude...

I trust we're all adults and able to control our impulses. In fact, the reason i'd like him in the first place is that he was clearly in total control of his impluses and one very mature dude. So, no affair just a relaxed harmless crushing where nothing ever happens except an appreciation for the sweetness of the opposite sex. I guess that sounds naive to you guys but from this girl's perspective it's a possibility and to leap to some conclusion that your girlfriends or wives are engaging in an emotional affair might be making a mountain out of a mole hill is all i'm saying. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[Blarg]

Agreed. There is way too much of thinking in terms of "always" and "never" when it comes to this subject. People are describing their own fears, limitations, choices, and experiences as if somehow they must be universal. They're not. We all may share bits and pieces of them to a different degree, but people and situations are far too variable to clamp down on one's thinking with absolute statements and declare that it's "mission accomplished."

This retreat to inflexibility could easily be more likely to produce bad behavior than is a more open mind that attempts to make reasonable choices in what it recognizes as each unique situation. That's because if the only two answers you recognize or don't reject as possibilities are yes or no, and the only way you construe situations is as a sexual question, someone's innocent flirtation or simple willingness not to be unfriendly really might provide as clear a signal as you can comprehend that the game is on and you need to look for a hotel room, and spur you into making your own aggressive moves.

There type of thinking can be the foundation of an enormously embarassing, and even career-threatening, ego. Quite the comely lad or lass one is, eh?

[bogey1]

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I'm still stuck on the friendships where you feel a spark but you absolutely won't act on it. Where you like the person but your circumstances dictate that nothing will ever come of it. I claim you can have a bond without betraying your mate. I guess my point is that these can liven up your humdrum life from time to time without wrecking it.

Am i the only one who thinks this is not only possible but kind of nice?


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It is nice. It's nice in the same way that flirting with someone and getting a positive reaction is nice. Nice in the same way as the subtle compliement when you catch someone smiling at you then glance to your hand to see if you're single.

Nice in the same way as getting a hug and feeling her warm, firm boobies up against you for a moment [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

When that spark exists there's always a danger though. Like a previous poster said, there will be a moment where one of you will flirt and the other will feel particular receptive that day (had a fight with the SO or something). And blam, sexual tension, the spark of desire that lurked has been fanned into something harder to deal with.

Now, you're sitting across from someone you really care about, someone you feel a spark with, and you <u>know</u> they're feeling it too. The temptation becomes powerful. You ask yourself, "Is it really so wrong? Would it really change anything if we just kissed once?"....

That spark is a rush, makes you feel alive, desirable, worth something. It's a spark that fades in every relationship and replaced by comfort and compatibility. Those are really good things and things you don't want to lose, but you still miss that spark...and so you flirt, or talk, or whatever. Playing with fire.

Some people have more or less willpower in dealing with it, but constantly supressing a desire can wear on anyone eventually. I'm far more willing to flirt with someone I'll rarely see than someone I'll see repeatedly because the danger is low since I'm not likely to interact with them much and thus unlikely to develop a more significant feeling for them.

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(ok i was going to use tarheel or bogey for my illustration..

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Heh, I'd be flattered.

[katyseagull]

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Now, you're sitting across from someone you really care about, someone you feel a spark with, and you <u>know</u> they're feeling it too. The temptation becomes powerful. You ask yourself, "Is it really so wrong? Would it really change anything if we just kissed once?"....



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First, you're the only person I've ever seen use an underline in your posts. EVER. That makes you prettay special if you ask me.

Second, I've never had the thought "would it really change anything if we just kissed once?..." Never ever, well accept possibly when i was drunk on tequila. Tequila will do that to you every time. But when i'm not drunk the thought wouldn't enter my mind until maybe much later when i got home [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]. Because the obvious answer is HELL [censored] YES IT WILL CHANGE THINGS. It will ruin EVERYTHING and be extremely awkward and I know that absolutely.

[Blarg]

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I'm still stuck on the friendships where you feel a spark but you absolutely won't act on it. Where you like the person but your circumstances dictate that nothing will ever come of it. I claim you can have a bond without betraying your mate. I guess my point is that these can liven up your humdrum life from time to time without wrecking it.

Am i the only one who thinks this is not only possible but kind of nice? Suppose I met Mat Sklansky (ok i was going to use tarheel or bogey for my illustration but i don't want to make any of our loungers uncomfortable so i've settled on the big guy [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]) and let's say i kind of liked him but I knew for a fact nothing would ever come out of it because he's taken for god's sake (as am i!) and i don't want it to and neither does he. I would be happy just seeing him and chatting with him as he's obviously one cool dude and the excitement of seeing him is far more fun to me than escalating things to another level. Then we would talk a bit and say goodbye and go our own way. And the next time I saw him i'd be all happy because he's one cool dude and he's kind to me and again we'd talk and then go our own way. Where's the harm in this? No emotional affair, just a shared moment of happiness [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]. Is it wrong? Yeah I can tell just typing this up that I'm probably on the wrong track and there is a collective eye rolling going on out there.

I'm pretty [censored] up as you can see, but hell I can't stop now, so to conclude...

I trust we're all adults and able to control our impulses. In fact, the reason i'd like him in the first place is that he was clearly in total control of his impluses and one very mature dude. So, no affair just a relaxed harmless crushing where nothing ever happens except an appreciation for the sweetness of the opposite sex. I guess that sounds naive to you guys but from this girl's perspective it's a possibility and to leap to some conclusion that your girlfriends or wives are engaging in an emotional affair might be making a mountain out of a mole hill is all i'm saying. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

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I think what you say is almost guaranteed to be taken the wrong way by a lot of people, but it's workable and even a great pleasure in life, as long as you neither lead the other person on nor have any wish to push things yourself.

The thing is, it can't work if only one of the parties is on the level and willing to live like an adult. You can usually tell that pretty easily. One way I do is if I start to hear too much complaining about her significant other. That's what girls shouldn't talk about to many people, if any, at all. (But they almost always do, eventually if not immediately.) If they do, it should be with family members and very close friends. Maybe mostly female ones too, so as not to taint the man's circle of friends and embarrass him in front of them over something that may well pass(and is none of their business anyway).

If I start hearing too much about it, I change the subject or find a way to get out of the room, and keep doing it, because I recognize this as a signal and perhaps a prelude to something I don't want to be part of -- a new relationship, or at least an affair, with that woman. Once you assume the duty of emotional rescue from someone's significant other, you are laying the groundwork, or grounding the lay work, whatever. Or else logging permanently into your new status as "one of the girls." No thanks. I can be a great friend, but I've found being that kind of shoulder to cry on is not a bargain in any fashion. It downgrades a guy too much, and falling down to that status with one woman gives her the ability to transfer that status to the perceptions of other women. Talk, they do. Constantly. You can be a friend without assuming a completely desexualized status.

It's just that whatever gonads the genetic lottery handed you don't have to the centerpiece or hidden subtext of every interaction. Frankly, nobody cares and "genitals first" is a brutish and boorish approach to life. It's quite a welcome relief for people when they don't have to deal with that. And that a lot of people can't manage it, makes those who can all the more enjoyable company.

[gusmahler]

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Massages - Are you crazy?

Hugs - No. He would like them big boobies pressing against his chest. I say he should keep 3' of air between him and another girl.

Coffee - well, ok if he absolutely has to. As long as he wasn't making a habit of it.

rolling around on a bed - this is just unacceptable.


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Massages and rolling around on a bed obviously cross a line. But what's wrong with a hug?

And having coffee? Come on. There's a huge difference between going out for alcoholic drinks and having coffee. It's more innocent than lunch. No big deal at all.

[katyseagull]

yeah i said ok to the coffee scenario. But if it becomes coffee and sandwiches then i'm going to get a little peeved!

The truth is he can do whatever he wants. I don't check up on him and i don't ask. He could be having elaborate lunches every day with the same girl for all i know. He leads his own life and i sit at work and do this [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img].
As long as i'm in the dark i'm a pretty happy camper.

[bogey1]

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Now, you're sitting across from someone you really care about, someone you feel a spark with, and you <u>know</u> they're feeling it too. The temptation becomes powerful. You ask yourself, "Is it really so wrong? Would it really change anything if we just kissed once?"....



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First, you're the only person I've ever seen use an underline in your posts. EVER. That makes you prettay special if you ask me.

Second, I've never had the thought "would it really change anything if we just kissed once?..." Never ever, well accept possibly when i was drunk on tequila. Tequila will do that to you every time. But when i'm not drunk the thought wouldn't enter my mind until maybe much later when i got home [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]. Because the obvious answer is HELL [censored] YES IT WILL CHANGE THINGS. It will ruin EVERYTHING and be extremely awkward and I know that absolutely.

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Heh [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]. Easy to say when you're not in the moment. Like that last cookie you know you shouldn't eat, but well, what the hell... Reverse the scenario viewpoint, with him as the initiator instead of you. He's feeling it, he lets his guard drop and goes to kiss you when you give him a hug goodbye. What do you do? Let him? Freak out? Both?

It's not just you that's getting a spark, it's him too. While you can, hopefully, control your own actions, what are you going to do if this close friend essentially reveals that this background spark is hard for him to keep down?

People have affairs. That's how they largely start. You could argue my marriage started that way, though to me it just felt like falling in love. I once talked about it with male friend whose marriage started out as a true affair and he said something that stuck with me "It never feels like an affair when you're the one in it. It's just someone you love."

(BTW, he did marry the woman and they've been together like 15 years now)