DR. DOM #3: Why you shouldn't get married until you're 30

[Blarg]

I feel ya.

[Madtown]

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Everybody always thinks they're the exception to the rule. Or that other people don't really understand, which is just another way of saying their situation is unique.

One thing about getting older is you learn again and again how often that's incorrect.

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Sigh. Fine. Check-fold.

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Weak, Anacardo. I know you worship Blarg, but c'mon. Your original post was very accurate (as was Blarg's, to an extent).

The misunderstanding here is simple. These two statements are not mutually exclusive:

- "I'm an exception to the rule."
- "Everyone thinks their situation is unique, and that no one understands. Eventually, you realize that's not true."

The rule here -- that men want to sow wild oats before settling down (even if some of them don't have the game/looks/money to do so) -- is the rule because it applies to the largest population of men. As you said, Anacardo, you felt this rule doesn't apply to you at all, but then again, you're on the outlier on many such things.

This is perfectly legitimate. Of course, even if you're part of the outlier, there's still a few percent of the population that feels the same, and that's still a lot of people.

Which is why people thinking "I'm the ONLY exception to the rule! NO ONE understands me! I'm a unique and beautiful snowflake!" is silly. Many people think this, particularly when they're 16-early 20s. I catch myself thinking it sometimes, and then I slap myself back into reality. And I think this is the mentality Blarg was reacting to.

Anyway, I definitely feel like one of those outliers. I don't have much interest in scoring as much pussy as possible, especially if it means sleeping with women that I'd find boring/annoying outside of a physical relationship. I don't find anything wrong with people who choose to go that route, it's just not for me. I'd rather be in a relationship with women where I think there's long-term potential. Just potential is fine. That could still mean sleeping with several women before getting married, I certainly don't have some moral problem with that or anything.

And I suspect this is the mentality Anacardo and kyro are talking about. And it is an outlier compared to the male population. But, obviously, there are still plenty of people that feel that way, so none of us is particularly unique (or, as the more emo would say, alone) in our situation.

[Blarg]

Well said and thanks for saying it.

I don't think feeling one is unique is anything less than ordinary, and also don't feel not really being as unique as we might like to flatter ourselves that we are is not a let-down or a pessimistic thought, but just ordinary maturity. I was kind of surprised when Anacardo took it as a downer and another immediately leaped on the downer bandwagon.

Maturity is, or should be, a welcome thing. But it's true it's not always pleasant, and I suppose it's can be pretty pleasant to think of ourselves as either real or incipient supermen or special cases most beloved by God. Maybe it's even likely in gamblers; Freud said gamblers wanted to prove they were most beloved by god.

I don't think you have to be unique to be happy. Or that others don't have lessons that will apply to us. There's a lot of rigidity and maybe even anger in thinking that they don't, which we're probably well rid of.

We seem to be seeing a fair amount of anger and misunderstanding of each other in this thread. How we evaluate ourselves is a pretty tough, private issue, hard to talk about with others.

[SackUp]

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Hey SackUp,
You missed my point. I didn't give her the mental disorder [the mental disorder is incidental]. I've only cheated once, at the nadir of the relationship. She doesn't know, doesn't need to know and likely will never know about these or future infidelities.

Caring about and monogamous committment to a person do not, in my mind, need to be concurrent. I can do a damn good job caring about/for her whilst getting the occasional sidewoman.

I agree moving to another region is a good way to precipitate breakup, but you miss my other point. In many ways she is excellent to be with, and I don't really want to seperate. I just want to have my cake and eat it too [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

The problem with the 'move to another place' is that i have no concrete plans post-graduation. Neither does she. In a perfect world, she'll move from Edinburgh to Houston with her parents [her dad has a job lined up there] whilst i bum around the family house for a few months.

However, if seperate cities isn't guaranteed, what other option is there?

Thanks for the opinion, I'm just wondering if there's a way i can keep the chick and work out my maturity issues at the same time [ha ha ha and in 10 years i'll be thinking that's another oxymoron]

Regards,
Pete

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Err, I think you may have missed my points actually. I never said you gave her mental disorders, I said that if you continued to cheat and she found out, this would give her one.

Then as far as dumping her. I understood you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. I was telling you that this was a bad play. You will eff over this girl and you won't be as happy as you could be - you'll either feel guilty or you will lose out on a really good relationship, with either her or elsewhere.

Don't be a cheating slimeball, even if you think you can get away with it. It is an effed up way to live, period. If you ever want to have a serious relationship, you need to be honest.

[Madtown]

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Maybe it's even likely in gamblers; Freud said gamblers wanted to prove they were most beloved by god.

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Freud was also full of [censored]. [img]/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]

But I'd entirely agree with your post. The "I'm unique" mentality is immature, and not based in reality. No one's unique, unless you're talking in a "grand sum of their entire life's experiences, thoughts, and feelings" way, which is pretty useless. But the mentality usually arises when someone's thinking about a few particular aspects of their life and feelings, and even if they are different from the "normal" population, there's still going to be plenty of people out there that identify with them. That seems to be a much healthier way of viewing life, IMO at least.

Back on topic: I agree with Dom's general premise (better to get married when you're late 20s/early 30s) but not most of his reasons. The main reason I agree with is that people change a LOT between 18 and 30 (my range, not his -- then again, I'm only 23 [img]/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]) and what you're looking for in a wife/husband is likely to change quite a bit over those years.

The other reason is simple math -- while I don't believe in "soulmates" (one perfect person for everyone), I do think that compatibility is a tricky thing. I think that while it's possible to meet someone you're compatible with at a young age, leading to a successful marriage, I also believe that it's also very likely you could eventually find someone you'd be happier and more compatible with. This is a pretty big reason the only long-term relationship I've had didn't work -- we both actually felt, pretty strongly, that we could have "made it work." We'd probably even have been happy. But we both felt pretty certain that, somewhere down the line, we'd meet someone that made us think we could have been happier.

So I think the late 20s/early 30s is a good timeframe. It gives you time to figure out what you want, and plenty of time to find it, without the lingering thought that "maybe, with a little more time, I could have done better."

EDIT TO ADD: I also fully realize that I'm a 23 year old who's only had one major relationship, so my thoughts might be total [censored]. But, you know, just offering them up anyway.

[GoblinMason (Craig)]

Dom,

Your post made me feel very good; thanks.

Craig

[Dominic]

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depends on how old you are and if you feel you're missing something by not banging more chicks.

Also guys, this whole thread is not supossed to be "don't get married until you 30 so you can bang more chicks," but more about waiting until you are a more all-around experienced individual.

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Ok, I'll bite. No gimmick account, no [censored], Dr. Dom can be my agony uncle.

I'm one of those guys who can't be arsed moving on after getting with a girlfriend. What i mean is, i'm 22; I had a relationship from age 16-18, and been in my current one for 3 years [23 in June]. Once i get in 'a relationship', i don't really see how/can't be bothered to get out. Then we get bogged down.

So, I am in a relationship. I got together with my partner at the end of my 1st year of college; it's coming up to the end of my 4th year. I do care about her - she is at present a perfect match for me [attractive, intelligent, doesn't want kids, likes travel and cooking etc., is cool about me playing poker].

However, she has a different view of marriage to me (i.e. I don't believe in it, but would concede i'd probably get ground down eventually). Also, and these facts may be pertinent - a) I am her first boyfriend [she hooked up with me aged 22 OMG] and b) she suffers from a (now slowly improving) mental condition [cue jokes about crazy chicks, ha ha]. the combination of these factors means it's pretty tough to bail on her (not that i want to, when she's straight she is pretty cool to be with).

So, i graduate this year, and i'm almost 100% sure there is gonna be a truckload of pressure on the relationship from our respective parents - we currently share a flat with one other person; she moves out in July, and i guess as me and my other graduate this year, we'll be leaving the city. So her parents will be leaning on her to stick with me on a permanent basis.

I am almost THE GUY for Dr. Dom to lay this post out - I am not mature enough to settle down, let alone re-conceptualise my views on marriage. I have not had enough sexual partners [my current partner is receptive and good (enough) in bed; her current medication means no orgasms though, which has made it a [censored] 14 months of sex for her [and to a lesser extent, me by proxy]. I have had 4 sexual conquests (2 one nighters, one between the two long relationships). One of these 1-nighters was last August in NYC (yes, do the math, i cheated) with a redhead [i <3 redheads, and had never banged one]. I feel no remorse for this, partner was ill and not making me happy, i was gagging for it and the redhead was handing it out on a plate. I'd hit that [censored] again given an opportunity.

What it made me realise is i have a couple of options, because banging the redhead opened my eyes to the situation. I want my current partner if a) fully well and b) capable of climaxes (i like to give something back). However, I don't want monogamy/marriage (in my mind, tantamount to the same thing at present) for at least 7 more years.

So, what options do i have? I am not likely to be able to ditch her and come back in 7 years when "i've grown up" [i would see either i) her suicide [not bragging] ii) her never forgiving me iii) her cutting my dick off. I will, however, not live with myself if i end up with her and a life tally of 4 partners (i've made it clear my life goals and happinness is my #1 priority, call me a dick, but i've sacrificed my uni life caring for/being with her; i think i'm owed about 1 year of fun-time).

So, i see my best option is staying with her, seeing if she recovers fully, and get my "experience" banging enough chicks to satiate me on the side till i grow up [this is easy, i take plenty of trips seperate from her]. I am not the sort of person to regret this decision; i still care about her, sex with other women doesn't diminish this. I need to do this as part of my maturity [does that sound like an oxymoron, yeah].

Does Dr. Dom concur? Can he offer an alternative? Opinion? Others can chime in, [constructive] criticism will be gladly received, as it's time to make life choices. And I'm torn.

Thanks all
Pete Harris

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Jesus. okay, I'll give it a shot...

You say you care for her and yet you'd rather stay in this very disfunctional relationship and cheat on her on the side.

wtf? sorry to be so harsh, but you asked for it:

grow a pair and break up with this girl. You are not in love with her.

[Dominic]

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I didnt read the whole first post or the rest of the thread, but I wanted to say that Dom usually has good advice but dont take seriously dating/marriage advice from someone who is middle age and single.

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Do you prefer someone who is young and married?

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LOL...I didn't realize I was middle-aged. Oh well.

[Anacardo]

Dom,

Fear not!

40 is the new 30.

[diebitter]

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Dom,

Fear not!

40 is the new 30.

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This makes me happy [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]